The hours pound haunting sounds,
I have immersed myself in dark.
But now I fear it's growling rounds,
I feel it's hand on my heart, Ti's evils harp.
It moans out to claim my soul
Now I, like all those who fear, dash back to the light.
But still i hear the bell of wickedness roll,
Constantly i am badgered by the devil's children at flight.
Now I am as sleepless as Macbeth,
Some how i march onward through this.
I shall put darkness to the test,
I know it will cause me agony and not bliss.
Where the story ends,
iI know not.
Wherever the world begins,
I shall never stop.
The devil wishes to claim my evil soul,
Doth he sends his pawns to collect.
But i say this without flow,
My wickedness is not for sale, i shall keep my debt.
They bang against my walls,
They walk on my stairs, preventing me sleeping falls.
It will always keep me awake, and i hold my breath,
Till the witching hour is over.
I shall sleep within the day.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
A lot of strong words right off the bat. I like that.
However, it really starts to break down in the second stanza. The lines are choppy and they don't make sense, just not as much thought went into those. You're too focused on staying consistent and you ran out of things to say, I think.
I like the allusion to Macbeth, but I agree with tassen, the slant rhyme with test is a bit much. I don't like your inversions, like "I know not" and such. You could just say I don't know.
So this is a lot better than some things that are really cliche, but you need a better mastery of the language. I'd say write and read even more then you already do, and I don't mean just poetry, read a lot of fiction. That I think, would help you most.
Hello, Red_Helix7! Tassen Spellbinder here to review your work!
First of all, I think your rhyme scheme, if anything, detracts from the poem. In some places, it sounds rather forced. For example:
"Now I am as sleepless as Macbeth,
Some how i march onward through this.
I shall put darkness to the test,
I know it will cause me agony and not bliss."
-- Macbeth and test? That sounds quite awkward.
"...Ti's evils harp."
-- Is this a typo, or a name?
"It moans out to claim my soul"
-- I think you need punctuation here.
"But still i hear the bell of wickedness roll,"
-- Toll would work better than roll here, I think.
"iI know not."
-- Typo.
"Doth he sends his pawns to collect."
-- The Old English infusion here is not working well with the rest of the poem.
"But i say this without flow,"
-- This line is awkward, and makes no sense, unless you are speaking of the same 'flow' oft referenced by the Hip-Hop subculture. Also, your 'i' needs to be capitalized.
"My wickedness is not for sale, i shall keep my debt."
-- Capitalize the 'i.' What debt?
"They bang against my walls,
They walk on my stairs, preventing me sleeping falls.
It will always keep me awake, and i hold my breath,
Till the witching hour is over."
-- Who are 'they?' The second line sound extremely awkward. You need to capitalize the 'i' in the third line. Lastly, "Till" should be "'til".
An interesting poem. I look forward to reading more of your work.