Words I am Missing

Life at Eighteen

Why is this world so cold? Where social media takes its toll. A place where you speak your mind only to be told to go die and be alone; crouched in a dark corner, confused and hurt. Being out casted because you won’t change who you are to blend in; to become another color that has gone by in a blur. When will it be okay to no longer be afraid? When will it be okay to no longer hate the day? Remember back to the days of love, peace, and generosity. A time when neighbor loved thy neighbor. Where judgment was only at those controversial pearly gates, not in everyday endeavors. When will we all stand hand in hand on this Promised Land. When will we relies love can be reached; just out stretch your hand. Life at eighteen was finally making sense. Yet here we all are; being challenged once again.

Kaycea

I miss the days when we were like brother and sister

When we would stay up late and talk about the future

I was just a lost girl at the time

Trapped in a world full of changing faces

Where nothing was ever consistent

I remember the day I ran into your arms crying saying mama is moving me into that strange mans’ house

There was nothing but pain that day, nothing but fear. Damn I remember it so vividly and clear

Just to think back and see how much has changed in just a few short years

I was just a lost girl

Trapped in a world full of changing faces

Did you ever think a friendship so unique could ever fade away?

I never hear from you

Maybe I’ll shed a few tears

Maybe you will see how much you still mean to me

Do you remember the pack we made?

That no matter how far apart

Or where we go

We will always and forever be bro’s

Always and Forever

Forever and Always

That’s what we used to say

Please save me

Take me back to those days

Because they were not so bad after all

Trust me the storm eventually faded

Are you feeling lost and alone?

Does your soul feel the pain it once took away?

How can you look back at those years and not feel the fear

Please I beg you

Never forget that I am near that I am always here

I am just a lost girl trapped in a world full of changing faces

Of changing faces

A Shell

A drink from river lithe is all I need, a trip to Hades to throw my blossoming life away; to forget all the memory’s kept in my head. Is it worth it? My shell of fear will follow me there. I am meant to suffocate and die inside. Full of dents and scratches, a wide variety of patches. Many different shades of browns and greens; supposedly all different representations of me. But how can that be when there is only one being that is me. Battered and tattered, just a gust from turning to dust, and becoming a faint memory. Will I ever be free from the chains that keep me?

13

Day dreams and coffee stains

Work called because I’m late

Shits just not right

Friends are pissed cause I ditched them again last night

Boss throwing another bitch fit

My heart aching cause I just want to quite

Yeah life is hard I get it

Stuck in the past remembering all the missed chances

Town lines suffocating me

It’s killing me

They form a noose around my neck, please someone save what’s left of me

Bills got me down

Never enough food in the house

Clothes worn and torn

Shoes too small, my toes poking out

No money to go back to school to get my degree

I’m rooted in place like that old willow tree we used to hang out in when we were 13

Missing child hood, crayons and blanket forts

Nothing but high hopes

Innocence destroyed the day I turned eighteen

Wasn't ready, got more than I thought life would be. Nothing like a good night sleep, oh how I miss having innocent dreams

When we were 13

Yeah life is hard I get it

Stuck in the past remembering all the missed chances

Town lines suffocating me, it’s killing me

They form a noose around my neck

Please someone save what’s left of me

Day in, day out past due notices stack up higher

What the fuck can I do?

Can I go back to being 13? No more tears no more fears no more fucking melt downs

Yeah life is hard I get it

Remembering all the missed chances

Town lines suffocating me, it’s killing me

They form a noose around my neck Please someone save what left of me

Yeah life is hard I get it

Remembering all the missed chances

Town lines suffocating me, it’s fucking killing me

They form a noose around my neck

Someone please save what’s left of me

When we were 13

13

My Relapse

In my head I am trapped. Afraid of another relapse. As the blades cut into my flesh, the crimson liquid is released. My pain is momentarily put at ease. I relapse and repeat as I watch the blood drip from my shredded wrist. My heart stutters and spits. My scars yet again go unkissed, the love I lacked sent me back to a time I desperately wish to forget. I put on a mask to hide what’s really going on inside. It’s tedious to repeat to myself that I’m okay. One day I hope to believe it. When will my life make since, when will my misery end. I’m relapsing, hopefully just this one last time. What’s wrong with me? Are my insides as ugly as my out? The drugs, the blades and the burns don’t help you say? Do you know what misery is? Do you have sorrows your fucking drowning in? I’m sick of crying, tired of trying only to get knocked on my ass every single time.

Really this is me

This is me, I’m sorry I’m not near and always clear. I can’t go back in time and change all the things that make me this way. I cannot change how I was raised. It’s embedded into my brain. It’s how it’s always been. It’s how it always will be. I’m sorry but this is really me. There’s pain in my heart that grows every day and I cannot face this agony. In god’s name someone please fucking help me. I’m about to go insane.

Hero’s Poverty

So many thoughts and emotions. My brain and heart feel like a storm over an ocean. Dark clouds distribute such negativity and in this bricked over cell I’m burdened with volcanic envy.

Where’s the predictable glory? Is it still stuck up the hero’s ass as it always seems to be in the end of the story? Princess do not be surprised when your hero finally dies and you are left with your bastard child; to spend life alone and cold. Poverty stricken, bed ridden and penniless. OH, the glorious future of the world we all sadly live in. Tears are real, and blood is spilled. When are things in the real world going to change? When is the end of mothers mourning over deceased sons and fathers daughters are no longer having drug filled fun.

A Chance

I can tell you've had your heart ripped out of your chest; even though you gave that girl your absolute best. But, Darling don’t waste any more time dwelling on the past. There is someone new in your life and if you would just open your eyes you would see that you and this new girl could really last. You have heard it all before but even with that in mind, this could possibly be something more. Give this new girl a chance, there’s more to her then she will ever let show. She’s at her lowest point but if you get to know her, you will see that behind her walls she’s ready to explode. Her true colors ready to shine so brightly through but only if you are there to guide her and to love her along the way. So in her arms hold on to her tightly; this will cause her to be forever yours. With each passing day she will trust you more and she will keep opening up doors for you to see inside her soul. Are your eyes open? I guess not because if they were you would have noticed that all along I was truly her. That new girl. Your oblivious innocence kept your mind closed to the fact that I was here, in front of your face but you let yourself get blinded by all this hate. Goddamn it, open up your beautiful blue eyes, read between the unwritten lines. My emotions for you grow stronger every day and the closer we get the harder it is for me to break away from your intoxicating gaze.

Jubilant Escape

Oh, how I long to fill these page’s with words, words of beauty, words of grace, words to break me free of the cage society has built around me. Once the last bar is taken away, there will be nothing connecting me to this wretched place. I’ll finally be free to become whom I’m meant to be. I’ll cleanse my soul in the purity of sanity. I will suffocate no more, I will not suffer in a practically unconscious daze. My thoughts shall become clearer as they are no longer shrouded in a vile haze. As night blossoms into day, I will leave behind all the strife I've ever felt and feel once more the jubilance of life.

Monsters

Drop that razor

Toss the knife

Flush away those pills

They are not worth your life

Wipe the tears

Take a deep breath

Hold on to me

I’ll help you through this nightmare

Don’t fret my darling

You’re meant to shine

Despite the darkness that shadows your life

The monsters you fight can only be stopped if you close your eyes

Because they are deep inside you

So count up to five and whisper to your self

“I will no longer be terrorized”

“I will no longer be terrorized”

Reap

Each passing moment the truth gets buried deeper

Gathering dust next to my personal reaper

Love dies so quickly and in the end I have been played

I've been left on the road side wishing you had stayed

My hearts desires drip down my dampened sleeve

And history repeats as I have fallen for another sleaze

Fooled by a midnight romance I have screwed up

Something that was potentially true

One day that little prick will feel my rue

All my emotions raging high I am so confused

Where did I leave the hang man noose?

I broke my own heart and it cannot be fixed

Yet the words “I still love you” burn fresh on my lips

F.T.H

Fuck the haters

What they say will never matter

Stand strong and nothing else in your life can shatter

Always have faith in yourself because there’s nothing more morbid than a dream gone cold

Stand tall, fuck the hate

Stand strong, Fuck the pain

Stare up at the sky

Let the haters beware

Your pent up anger is here

Rise against the predictable trends

Never settle for anything less than the best

And when they scream in your face

Swing right swing left

Give them fuckers a taste of the hate (they forced into your life)

When they brake remind them this is how you felt only yesterday

Don’t let anyone tell you who you can be or who you are

Never hide away in the shadows

Let the life inside you burn wild

Stand tall, fuck the hate

Stand strong, fuck the pain

Stare up at the sky

Let the haters beware

Your pent up anger is here

Stand tall, fuck the hate

Stand strong, fuck the pain

Stare up at the sky

Let all the haters beware

Your pent up anger is here

Fuck the haters

What they say will never matter

Stand strong and nothing else in your life can shatter

Always have faith in your self

Because there’s nothing more morbid as a dream gone cold

A dream gone cold

A dream is a precious thing

Don’t hide it away

It’s your deepest desires

Let it shine the way

Let it inspire the next generation

With your head held high

Don’t cower don’t be shy

Put that fist up high

Say goodbye

To all the times you had to hide

Monsters pt 2

Breath in the light

Exhale the dark

You've won the battle

Yeah I know

The after math isn't such a pretty sight

But my darling

You’re here

You’re alive

And you can dance with me tonight

No need to worry

The monsters are dead

They can no longer torment you inside your head

So open your eyes

And whisper to your self

“I am free at last”

“I am free at last”

Mask of skin

There’s never a louder scream then those without sound

A rebellion against the tyrants that control the forces of this nation

Let me break free of this social class that has me bound

For I can see the freedom that hides in the clouds

A place where these tyrants lose all control

And where technology cannot corrupt all of our souls

In this life that I have lived I have not once felt that pain and love can truly co-exist

Being medicated for a simple thought inside my head and stuck here

Till my last breath

My body trembles with caged screams

This world changes us into something we are not

Recognizable on the outside

But under that mask of skin our original spirits no longer live