z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

The Beginning- Chapter 2 and 3

by rebelpilot


 Chapter 2: Captured 

I awoke to find myself in a cage surrounded by several creatures of the same species as the one that attacked me. They were a meter and a half tall with blue skin and ruby red eyes, as well as tails and a strong figure. For weapons they used spears, swords, bows and clubs. They wore clothes made from very colorful and exotic looking skin. They were talking to each other but I could not understand what they were saying. Suddenly one who was bigger and nastier looking than all of the others turned and looked at me. I gulped with sword in hand, it slowly began to walk towards me. It stopped just in front of my cage and looked at me in a way that I knew that it was deciding what to do with me. 

”What do you want with me?” I asked desperately trying to stay calm. “I don’t want to hurt you, I’m just trying to get back home”

“Well you might as well give up,” It snarled.

”Why?” I replied startled that it could speak my language.

”Because, scum, you’re going to be my slave for the rest of your life. Put him in with the rest of my slaves,” It commanded two others standing nearby.

“Yes chief,” They replied,grabbing me, dragging me over to a hut and throwing me inside. This hut was exactly the same as the ones they lived in except there were bars across the windows. Inside there were lots of other slaves looking at me with sad eyes. They had been badly beaten but what shocked me the most was how thin they were as well as the fact that all of them were the same species as the ones that captured me.

Chapter 3: Backstory stuff 

“Hello stranger,” one of them greeted me. "Are you here to free us?”

 “Sorry but no,” I replied.

”Oh,” He said sadly. He looked like he was once their leader but based on his current appearance that had not been the case for a long time.

”Excuse me for asking but why are you a slave?” I asked him.

”Well stranger, you know that I wasn’t always a slave. Until two years ago I was the chief of this tribe and I made sure that everyone was treated fairly even people who weren’t from around here. I was happy my people were happy and life was good for everyone,” He paused.

”What happened?” I asked

”Well two years ago a young warlord called Misefa decided that I had become too weak to lead us because at the time we were at war with another tribe and unfortunately we were losing. Misefa thought that the reason we were losing was because the outsiders, as he called them, were giving our secrets to our enemies in exchange for money. I tried to convince everyone that he was lying but only a few believed me. Misefa became chief and ordered all of the 'outsiders’ to leave. He also enslaved me and anyone else he deemed too weak,” He finished. "Oh my! I haven't even introduced myself,” He exclaimed, "I’m Treo Mela former and rightful chief of this tribe,” He held out his hand.

“And i’m Chad Hilse crew member of the CR90 corvette Tantive IV,” I replied shaking his hand.

”So Chad how’d you end up here since other species aren’t allowed on Acrea anymore?” He asked.

“Well two weeks ago near the planet Leron we were running all of the usual tests on our ship. I was charged with testing the escape pods. Everything was normal until I got to the last pod then the equipment started to malfunction and when I went to check it then the door shut and the pod ejected. I was in the pod for three days and alone in the jungle for eleven more days before being captured,”

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26 Reviews

Points: 317
Reviews: 26

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Sun Feb 19, 2017 6:42 pm
regismare wrote a review...



Hello! regismare here to review this piece.

I apologise - I haven't read earlier installments on this work so I don't have much context about where this comes in. I shall, however, try my best to work things out. Apologies in advance if I missed out on any big plot points. I'll also try not to mention things that have already been mentioned below.

One thing I think this work is suffering from is a lack of words. The chapters are so short! With so few words, it's hard to get in all of the necessary detail and dialogue and just writing that the work needs. This is a really interesting concept so the lack of words doesn't really do your work justice. Even if this shortness was intentional, there just aren't enough words to describe everything properly and to write a good narrative that encompasses everything that supposedly happens.

More description and a larger vocabulary would also be good in here. Your descriptions are kind of simple when they are present - more on that later - and they'd be much more striking if you could a) use a wider vocabulary and b) use literary devices such as metaphors and similes to better form images in the reader's mind of what's going on. There isn't much description at all in here, and it leaves everything a bit vague and too much up to the reader's imagination. It's good to leave the reader to figure out some things, but the level of description should ideally be increased to get a more rounded piece of narrative.

1.5 meters

A metre and a half.

also

This is a word that should be avoided when describing and writing in general. It's fine in dialogue, though, but it makes your writing weaker.

I asked desperately trying to stay calm.

This is good, but we need more of it. Add more of how the character is feeling and how they interpret the world.

i'm

I'm

“Well you might as well give up,”It snarled.

"Well, you might as well give up," it snarled.

“Yes chief,”They replied,grabbing me

"Yes, chief," they replied, grabbing me

“Hello stranger,” One of them greeted me.

"Hello, stranger," one of them greeted me.

Well stranger you know

Well, stranger, you know

2 weeks

Two weeks.

3 days and alone in the jungle for 11

Three days... eleven

I really love how fast-paced this is, though. With a bit of work, this could be a really exciting piece of writing. The concept is very engaging and the circumstances the characters find themselves in gives scope for an awesome plot! I hope my review helped in some way, and keep writing!

-regismare




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485 Reviews

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Thu Feb 16, 2017 12:49 pm
Elijah wrote a review...



This part is a bit longer so we will have what to talk about? Anyways, I will try my best to be short and clear as much as possible.

I awoke to find myself in a cage surrounded by several creatures of the same species as the one that attacked me. They were 1.5 meters tall with blue skin and ruby red eyes.They also had tails and looked very strong. For weapons they used spears, swords,bows and clubs. They wore clothes made from exotic looking and very colorful animal skin. They were talking to each other but I could not understand what they were saying. Suddenly one who was bigger and nastier looking than all of the others turned and looked at me. I gulped as,sword in hand, it slowly began to walk towards me. It stopped just in front of my cage and looked at me in away that I knew that it was deciding what to do with me.


What I noticed from the prologue and now here, in the second part, is that you use very simple language when you describe a situation. For an example, you say 'they looked strong and they were tall'. The use of 'they' all the time can be replaced with many different synonyms while you can switch the adjectives as well. It is not interesting to just say 'they are tall' right? The main problem in this first paragraph is that there is no space left so we can breath. You continue to talk to us about his surroundings which is no bad but in the end you are limited to only that one narrative and /them/. Instead of saying they wore clothes, say something about the clothes alone. No need to mention them. We already know about them.

Commas and spaces are also a problem here. Mostly one only mistake repeated many times.
I will still re-write this part below, questions welcomed. But explaining 100 times one thing makes no sense, you are not brainless. Mind the commas and the spaces after each sentence.

I awoke to find myself in a cage, surrounded by several creatures of the same species as the one that attacked me. They were 1.5 meters tall with blue skin and ruby red eyes. They also had tails, rather strong figure as well. For weapons they used spears, swords, bows and clubs. They wore clothes made from very colourful and exotic looking skin. They were talking to each other but I could not understand what they were saying. Suddenly one who was bigger and nastier looking than all of the others turned and looked at me. I gulped with sword in hand, it slowly began to walk towards me. It stopped just in front of my cage and looked at me in a way that I knew that it was deciding what to do with me.

”What do you want with me?” I asked desperately trying to stay calm. “I don’t want to hurt you, i’m just trying to get back home,”


You do not need the comma at the end of the speech bubble.

"I want to help you," Morgan said and let the papers fell down the floor. "I love you."

"I want to help you," Morgan said and let the papers fell down the floor.
"Do you?" She said, not believing that. Dirty lies.

If the narrative continues on talking after a pause, you put a comma. If no, no.


That is all for part two.

No idea why they are together but I do not mind.


”Well stranger, you know that I wasn’t always a slave. Until 2 years ago I was the chief of this tribe and I made sure that everyone was treated fairly even people who weren’t from around here. I was happy my people were happy and life was good for everyone..” He paused.

Actually the only thing I need to say about the third part as anything else is okay or related to what we covered earlier. You give us a bit more information, a bit about the chef and the tribes' war in between each other. The story is going on well. Though the chef's kindness is unrealistic is such a situation. I can tell he is all sweet and some see it as a weakness but I would expect them to not trust a stranger that fast.



Anyways, good write and have a good day!





All hail the mighty Glow Cloud.
— Welcome to Night Vale