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12+ Violence

The Beginning - Prologue and Chapter 1

by rebelpilot


Prologue 

How long have I been stranded in this escape pod? 

Hours?

...Days

I glanced at the computer to try and find out. The monitor beeped "Escape pod has been in use by Ensign Chad Hilse for 3 days, 6 hours and 15 minutes".

I sighed and continued trying to get the locator beacon working. NEED MORE POWER. 'Useless tech' I thought as I slumped to the floor, defeated and wondering what to do. Suddenly the computer started beeping to alert me that I was rapidly approaching a planet. 'Oh shucks' I thought scrambling to brace for impact. Less than a minute later the pod slammed into the planet's surface, bounced and then slid for about 10 meters, before being stopped by a tree. I opened the hatch and stepped out of the pod,which had come to rest at the edge of a clearing. The clearing was about 30 meters in diameter but outside of that was jungle as far as I could see. Taking the Ration packs, water purifier, blaster pistol and the locater beacon from the pod I set off into the jungle.

Chapter 1: 11 days later

'This place is really creepy,' I Thought as I crept through the jungle like a commando, but still not managing to avoid the spiky tentacles of the little red bushes that covered everything. Suddenly I thought I heard talking. "Who's there!?” I yelled drawing my blaster and pointing it at the bushes. I strained my ears, trying to locate the source of the sound but all was quiet. 'Must have been one of those weird, orange, bird-lizard things' I thought as I continued walking. Suddenly something burst out of the bushes and charged at me. Before I could react, it reached me and everything went black. 


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Wed Feb 15, 2017 7:50 pm
Elijah wrote a review...



I can see it is a prologue and only as the beginning, I do not need to know everything so yet. It may be your first work, may not, it does not matter right now really.
Welcome to the site if you consider yourself new here though months have already passed.

I will try to still help, maybe with bits, with this start and hopefully we will get to the following parts together. The review may be not long and informative as the writing is short but I will try my best. Most things were marked by previous reviewer.

At least in my eyes, there is no need to repeat the word Prologue at the beginning but many do it so we can leave that aside right?



'Oh shucks,' I thought scrambling to brace for impact.


You really do not need the comma before closing the thoughts' marks. You can of course leave it there if the speech/though is continued right after that, maybe also in another paragraph. But it needs to be continued and by the same person who started it, whatever it is.

I sighed and continued trying to get the locator beacon working.


For this sentence, I mainly have one question. Is the narrative sighing and continuing something while trying to get the locator beacon to work..or he is continuing to try to get it to work? If it is the second, the construction is right.

Less than a minute later the pod slammed into the planet's surface,bounced and then slid for about 10 meters before being stopped by a tree.

I opened the hatch and stepped out of the pod,which had come to rest at the edge of a clearing.


Two things to point out here. First, you need to hit the space before the comma.
Second, you need one more comma before 'before'.

Same for the second sentence which I put with it, space after comma. I noticed you know your grammar and all but you are unevenly using it. So double checking will help.


I strained my ears trying to locate the source of the sound but all was quiet.

One comma after 'ears'. Not really needed because you can not misunderstand it because ears can't try to locate but still.

"Must have been hearing things”I thought as I continued walking.


You need your space after the speech and before the action.

Before I could react it reached me and everything went black.

Comma after 'react'.
React and reach are pretty close and easy to mistaken so it's good to seperate the actions. Not the only reason to do that of course.


Overall, it is a very good beginning. I hope to read and review more. Your skills are appearent but it seems you just forget a thing or two sometimes. Someone already said it but you really can put more details in there, maybe showing us a bit of the jungle. Animals, unknown creatures for the narrative. His thoughts of survival and many others. You are currently pushing the reader to aim at the narrative's thoughts when you can let the reader see so much more.


Have a great day!




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Tue Jan 24, 2017 12:52 pm
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Vincian wrote a review...



Hey there rebelpilot and a belated welcome to YWS! I hope you're finding everything well and are enjoying the site.

So, some thoughts, before I get into some grammar stuff. It says that this is fanfiction, and upon reading it I noticed the mention of a blaster pistol. Star Wars fanfiction? Nice! :D

In a bit I'll go through your first paragraph and show you a bit on how to A)add some tension and variety to the story through formatting, B) point out some repetition and where we can change some words, C) some dialogue grammar, and D) usage of the "Show, don't tell" mentality when writing.

I would highly recommend putting in more paragraphs into this, as it breaks the reader's thoughts and makes it easier to read. You can also use paragraphs to add tension and drama to the piece. For example, let's take your first few sentences here:

How long have I been stranded in this escape pod? Hours? Days?


and let's break them down like this, adding some of the tension and drama I talked about above.

How long have I been stranded in this escape pod?

Hours?

...Days?


So, I added two more paragraphs to this, added an ellipses, and italicized the last part. Adding multiple breaks through the multiple paragraphs and the use of the ellipses, I've forced the reader (in this case, you) to pause, even substantially at the last part. This gives the effect of the narrator also pausing, as if to take in a breath or to ponder over the situation. Cool, huh?

Using things like paragraphs and italics to your advantage spices up your story.

Something else I've noticed is repetition of words. Let's take this, for example:

I glanced at the computer to try and find out. The computer said that I had been stuck in here for three days. I sighed and continued trying to get the locator beacon working.


Two words are seen in here multiple times, "I" and "computer." "I" isn't really too noticeable, but if you want to avoid using it too many times, you could implement this person's name here. Here's an example of changing and removing the repetition as much as possible.

I glanced at the computer to try and find out. The monitor beeped "Escape pod has been in use by a Captain Ronan Andor for Three days, 2 hours, and 48 minutes. I sighed and continued trying to get the locator beacon working.


^so my changes above are A: changing the second "computer" to monitor and B: letting the monitor remove one "I" by giving a name to the narrator. Not so repetitive now, right?

One other thing I wanted to point out is grammar involving dialogue. Dialogue is like everywhere and basically all writers use it, but the grammar involving where to place those darn commas can be really confusing. Let's take your first use of dialogue here:

"Useless tech.” I thought as...


So, there are two articles on YWS that explain dialogue grammar much better than I can. This one is simple to go along with and explains the basics well, while this one expands a bit on the previous one for more explanation.

After reading those articles, I can tell that the dialogue above should be this:

"Useless tech," I thought as...


Simple change, right? But, man it is really easy to stumble over dialogue sometimes. There are lots more articles like the ones I linked above in the forum they're in if you want to check them out. They're simple and really informative :D

All righty, the last thing I wanted to talk about is the notion of "Show, don't tell". Put simply, in the quote above, instead of telling the reader that the computer said the narrator had been stuck for three days, it showed the reader that throw the computer beeping out information to the narrator. It's all about involving the reader more with what's going on around a scene.

For another example, instead of just telling us that a room was purple, you could say "two vibrant lamps sitting on either side of the room shone fiercely onto the walls, its pale light dancing with the lavish purple painted on." With the latter, through the use of vivid imagery and engaging verbs, it creates a scene that the reader can far better walk through with the narrator and the writer. This comes with practice, and what you have is a great starting point.



I really, truly encourage you to keep writing! This is a wonderful start and I cannot wait to read more from you. Don't let anyone keep you down or try to stop you. You'll do great <3

If you have any questions or just wanna talk, please reply to this review. I love a good conversation and I am down to chat with anything involving this story.




rebelpilot says...


Thanks for the help. I have updated my story and I will keep what you said in mind when I am writing more story's. And yes this is star wars fan fiction and I am going to post the next part as soon as I have enough points.



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Tue Jan 24, 2017 10:35 am
MeAndMyThoughts wrote a review...



Hello there. Hope to give a true review.

To say whether the story has a great plot or not it would be very early, so I will just tell about common things. The beginning could have been better I believe not by changing the scene, but by changing the words and sentence formation. Rather than a question, it could have been a negative sentence. And even before that if you could have written lines like what all are on display inside the pod, I mean like creating a scene. Telling more about the pod and the space indirectly. Not like description but as a part of the narrative. Also more could have been done with the part just before and after collision. I also felt that the Ch-1 was too short. But if you want to finish the story quickly, I can understand. But other than that, I didn't notice any grammar mistakes, and yeah, punctuation are there, so that's great. But I believe you can use '....' for thoughts, or maybe *...*. Hope it helped. And I will wait to read more from you.





It is most unlikely. But - here comes the big "but" - not impossible.
— Roald Dahl