Lahore drew a line,
where the women and children die.
On the ground all bodies will lie,
no cross or star and crescent to tell apart.
This fear we see as our own,
we stole from them years ago.
Everyday they try to hide,
but it is time we all fight.
Terrorism has no faith,
only the remains of the gates of Lahore.
It is not whom you pray to at night
that shall condemn your side.
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Also, one more thing putting it all together like that made it feel so definite and as though the narrator was saying it all in one solid, final breath - so it gave it so much more. Great structure as well.
This is very powerful and I love the rhythm because it perfectly sets the tone for this scene. I had to read it a few times to take it in, it's one of those pieces. I like how the last line is almost a warning but not too specific, so as to haunt the reader as to who exactly is condemning them. And, also coming from Peshawar, I really could connect to this, so beautifully done.
What a poignant piece of writing. Though your word usage is simple, each sentence packs a punch. The other reviewers were right, it sends such a positive yet neglected point of view on the tragedies that are happening in today's world. Media coverage is so one-sided and is serving only to fuel the fire. But it's great to know that there are people like you who can see past the lies and understand the reality of the situation.
Terrorism has no faith.
Thank you so much!! I'm really happy you like my writing
Hey SilverBerry here! Let me just say that this poem is wonderful, and I'm so glad that you said what so many people refuse to believe. I am not the most religious person, but let's just say that I know and love a lot of people who are getting crap for their religion which I think is very stupid. So great work! I will now review.
"On the ground all bodies will lie,"
This sounds a tad awkward and doesn't flow very well in my opinion. Perhaps change it to "On the ground the bodies lie,"
"This fear we see as our own,
we stole from them years ago." I
love this!
"Everyday they try to hide,
but it is time we all fight."
The second line sounds awkward too. What about "But it's time for us to fight." For some reason time and we don't go together very well without something in-between them. But that's up to you!
"Terrorism has no faith," Again, great line.
"It is not whom you pray to at night
that shall condemn your side."
This is really great and I like the message, but the second line sounds too short. It's a great ending but perhaps spice up the second line to make it a bit longer?
Anyways that's all! But I truly love this poem and it's message! Keep writing!
Thank you sooo much!! Your corrections are so useful. I'll definitely edit my essay. Thank you for liking it!!
Wow, this piece was moving to read. I loved everything about your writing. It serves almost as a unifying movement aginst terrorism. The poem has a very catchy meter; its consistency augments the building tension from start to finish. I applaud your attempt at playing with the structure of your poem. For instance, your choice to include the entire poem in one stanza was ingenious; it helps assure that no tension slips through the cracks through stanza separation. However, I would recommend you rethink your choice to alternatingly capitalize the starts to your sentences. It takes away some lines' authoritative tone and power, and frankly, makes the uncapitalized sentences seem visually weaker and less effective than those that are capitalized. I do, however, enjoy the consistency of your punctuation; it keeps the poem organized. I'm really impressed by the manner in which you unify a religiously diverse world in only 12 lines-kudos! I have a question, and It may honestly be ignorance on my part: Who or what is Lahore? Is this the name of your friend? Are you referring to the region in Pakistan?
Great job and write on!!
Thank you so much for the advice. So over easter people in the city of Lahore(both christian and muslim) gathered in a big park to celebrate Easter and it was bombed by terrorists. I wanted to write about it because when something happens in Paris everyone knows but this attack which took the life of 74 people and it was barely covered in the media. I'm so glad you enjoyed the piece and I'm happy you asked because I wrote this to bring attention to the issue.
This is true "Terrorism has no religion". Being a Muslim I can feel the poem. Your writing is very good. I am inspired. The flow of poem is excellent.
But we should fight against terrorism. They literally have no faith. The last portion of your poem is inspiring
But I have a bit of advice for you. Whenever you introduce a new line in poem it should start with a capital letter. Overall the poem is fantastic. Keep writing
Mahvash.
Thank you soo much! It really means a lot. I'll change the punctuation.
Welcome
This is fantastic. We need more important social commentary like this in our everyday reading. Fantastic of you to put your voice out there; whatever anyone can do to help spread awareness, even if to a small audience, is well-received. On the literary side, this flows well and the rhyme scheme is captivating. A very good job on this.
Thank you so much!Means a lot, I hope I can make an impact, however small it may be.