z

Young Writers Society



candy man

by reason


Shino's prompt: Clarence the Candy maker rubbed his hands gleefully. Today, he would introduce the world to a whole new kind of Valentine's Day candy.
The representative paused. Grant took this time to call his employer, "Sir, I have arrived." He cleared his throat, lowly admitting: "no." He stared at the gorgeous black Mercedes-Benz, his beloved C-class sedan. The man in the suit glanced from his prized posession to oh god! All the pinks and lavender burned his eyes. He stared at the car, regaining his bearings, "I have yet to make contact, sir." He adjusted his cufflinks. Grant inspected his appearance in the rear view mirror. The representative fixed his tie, "I will not fail you, sir." He looked impeccable, "I know it is not my place to question you." He grimaced, "but must I be the operative?" Grant grunted, "As you wish, sir." He hung up.

The representative tucked his hands into his pockets. "Of the year," he whistled, rattling off the specifications to himself starting from under the hood. What followed next detailed the understated elegance of the interior, Grant rubbed his chin. It paled in comparison to the S-class Mercedes-Benz with its spacious opulence, fuel-efficient and far more powerful engine, but they weren't going to allow him access to that beauty. No, he recognized his lowly station as the employer's errand boy. Protocol dictated he serve the son.

Releasing a dry sigh, he turned on his heels to face the candy man. Across the street, Candy Dandy Land invited with its sickly sweet candy-coded and heart-ridden architecture. Equally colorful flowers hung from the veranda and insulated the sides of the sizeable estate. The owner, Clarence the Candy Maker, gleefully hosed the entrance in glitter for Valentine's Day. Grant frowned -not that that man needed much of a reason to douse anything in glitter. The representative reminded himself that he was only following the directive as he glared at the door. Grant pressed the door bell and it rang: "You fab, gurlfriend. Mhmmmmm!"

It opened to reveal a man glistening in glitter. This week's hair color took to a flamboyant fire-red. "Oh, dear." Clarence jumped at the sight of the grim fellow, "Aren't you a Sour Lemon Drop!" He apologized for his appearance, dusting off the sugar and other deliciousness from his pink apron, "I'm such a mess." The representative narrowed his eyes at the sight of the other man sliding out of the apron only to unbutton his shirt to reveal chest hair. Grant went to say, perhaps another time would be better: however Clarence lunged with a lollypop. Grant gagged. "Smile, old chap!" He frowned, "That's not much of a smile." Clarence tilted his head just so, "Wait, now. I can see it."
Serious business, he reminded himself. "I'm diabetic," the representative removed the treat from his mouth. Smoldering bay eyes warned Clarence that his patience was running thin -if looks could kill, but sadly they could not. Grant discarded the treat in a disposal unit, "Cla-"
"Well, did you like it?" The proprietor popped to his side, smiling: "it's my newest concoction!" He winked, "Sugar free~ just for you."
He took a breath, remembering the mission at hand. "Is it done?"
Clarence nudged with a knowing glint of pure delight: "Is what done?"
"It," the representative's gaze pierced past Clarence's head to the wall.
"Today's batch of candy is done," he nodded. "It's never enough for Valentine's Day, though," Clarence lamented.
"It," the growing agitation manifested itself in balled up fists and a stiff frown.
"What ever do you mean?" Clarence whispered into the ever so serious man's ear. He wisely ducked behind the counter.
The representative's knuckles went white. He grinded his teeth, spitting out: "You know what I mean by it."
Clarence sighed, cupping his face in distress: "Oh, my good chap! If only I did." He released an exaggerated sigh, suddenly taking to the wall. His arm slung over his forehead, "but I don't." The theatrics proceeded with solemn lips, so torn up over the poor communication. "Tell me, my little Sour Lemon Drop."
That did it. The representative flipped a table, ruining a gorgeous display of sweet hearts. He roared, burning red: "The candy underwear!"
The owner smiled, dismissing the mess with a mere glance: he would pay for it, no loss there. "That's all you had to say," he picked himself on up and darted away into the Inner Sanctum. A most inviting door marked with a glittery sign: do not enter.
Seething, the representative took to breathing before bellowing: "Well, is it done?"
Clarence popped his head on out, "What would that be again?" He blinked. What followed next Clarence would tell you: however, the merry man signed a non-disclosure agreement. He shut down the store for construction.

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Points: 668
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Mon May 06, 2013 11:58 am



Short comment: I adore your writing style!
:D




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Sun Feb 24, 2013 5:39 am
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Snoink wrote a review...



…Oh, non-disclosure agreements! What bothersome things. They take away the ending of what is more than likely a very riveting tale.

In any case, this was amusing. An uptight businessman, trying to find out whether the candy underwear was made? Interesting! Still, I wouldn’t exactly call it realistic… most likely, this would be done over the phone, even IF the son was involved. And there would probably be some lame name for the candy underwear that would make it very boring.

I think that what happened next is that the very flamboyant son made a very flamboyant entrance and shocked the poor uptight businessman. Which is a shame, really, because that poor businessman! Were I in his shoes, I would be very uncomfortable. But then, if I were in his shoes, it would probably be considered sexual harassment, eh?

In any case, my dearest reason, you should totally write more. More specifically, you should totally write more comedy. That was very amusing. I will never look at pink sugary things (such as Peeps) in the same way again. Not after reading about this implied Peeps show…

(OH, BAD PUN.)

And with that… I hope this helps! ;D\




P.S. Shino is awesome.




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Fri Feb 15, 2013 4:20 pm
dogs wrote a review...



Hello their Reason! Tucker here with your review :). Okey dokey, what an excellent prompt you got, certainly lots of creative potential in there, and you take it to its fullest. To start, I loved your character Clarence, he was such a fun loving wonderful melodramatic character that it's hard NOT to love him :). Always love characters like that in writing, they make reading and editing fun. Anywho lets dive in shall we?

"Adjusting his cufflinks prior to opening the door to Candy Dandy land"

Firstly, this line sounds a little awkward because you use "to" twice, and too close to each other in proximity. Try saying something like: "Adjusting his cufflinks before opening the door to Candy Dandy Land." Also if it's the name of a factory, Land should be capitalized. Furthermore, I think you need to make a better picture of what "Candy Dandy Land" even looks like. Just based off the name I think of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and something enormous, similar to that. However, it seems that the conversation takes place in an office of some sort. But I'm not entirely sure because you don't give the reader a strong enough image to hang on to. Definitely need to create that imagery see we can see the scene you're describing.

"Clarence the Candy maker"

haha, just love him. Love love loovvee him. An all around well written character, funny, melodramatic, fun to read. Oh those are wonderful characters. My only criticism is that every time you mention his name you say "Clarence the Candy maker" which just gets incredibly tedious after a little while. After you introduce his title, just call him Clarence.

"but Clarence the Candy maker lunged with lollypop"

Ok, again just say "Clarence," it'll sound smoother. Also, you just mention that he lunges with the lollypop, you don't make it clear that the lollypop went into the representatives mouth. I love the thought of that though, it's funny. So just make that a little clearer.

"-if looks could kill, but sadly. The could not."

No period after "sadly," you're totally breaking up the flow and train of thought with the period.

"and discarded it in a disposal"

This is just for flow and smooth writing purposes, but I've never heard anyone reffer to a trashcan as a "disposal." So just say "and discarded it into the trash." Or trash can. Whatever works.

"my good chap.... my good sir"

Great lines, but I dunno why but the double use of "good" in that paragraph is throwing me off. Edit one of them out.

"balled up fists and a very stern frown"

Ok, biggest pet peeve of mine, but "very" should never be used in any sort of literary piece (except occasionally reviews) unless it's an essay about why "very" should NOT be used in writing. It's entirely unnecessary every time you use it and breaks up the flow and rhythm no matter which way you look at it. You can just take it out and the same point will get across to the reader.

"He shut down the store for construction"

Interesting way to end a short story. I like the general theme you get across the the reader. Although you don't specify who "he" is in that sentence, so there is some confusion as to who is closing down the store. All and all I loved reading this story, the candy man was hilarious and a great character. He really gave this piece more dimensions. Let me know if you ever need a review! Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032





A woman knows the face of the man she loves as a sailor knows the open sea.
— Honore de Balzac