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Hi reason, here are some of my thoughts:
To me, this feels less poetic than a story that is told in small chunks as if someone was telling a story, blacked out at parts, and then blurted out small snippets as if they thought they were telling the story the whole time. It's a bit schizophrenic.
The "last meal" bit made me think of death row, but that wasn't what was meant.
The pain line is very weak, it's an image that I can't picture. This poem is a little too much for me at this point. It's describing the event as it's happening, but it's treated oddly. It's almost comedic, which is simply NOT the tone of the poem, but it's almost like one of those cult classic things that it's so out there some people like it.
I'm not exactly sure where the nose comes in here. And please let the line about a "god of porcelain" die in the graveyard and not be resurrected. I think of all the lines, that one makes the unintended humor come. It really needs to be cut.
The last two lines here are oddly disjointed, and I'm not sure it even belongs in the poem. I mean, why is there a woman suddenly there? If it's a public restroom, we aren't told of it before.
I'm just not sure this is working. I mean the scene with the tissues is just kind of sad, not like a depressing sad, but something is really pathetic about this person. And her thoughts in between, the oh gods and dear lords also add to that silly comedic effect. I think it's totally unintentional, but it's a thing that needs attention. I shouldn't be looking at the absurdity of the poem because it's not that kind of poem.
I think what the problem here is that the topic is difficult to wrestle. In some ways, vomiting is a comedic act and so you must be especially careful about it. I mean think about a poem about farting, obviously the thought of it even is absurd and humorous, so delicacy and subtlety are needed to take the bite off of that.
If you're serious about revision, this needs a major overhaul. It's a small mix of melodrama and absurdism to the point where it becomes humorous. And I'm pretty sure that was never your aim.
Feel free to contact me if you have any concerns.
Hi, Ree! =D
Well. I don't think I've ever read a poem about vomiting before.
But it's about more than that, isn't it? It's about the woman's reaction. Yes? Unless I'm being silly. It's been known to happen.
I like your style. my favorite line is
because it's wonderful.
I would omit "glass." If you say "no ice" at the end, we get that it's a drink shot, and not a gunshot.
I'm not quite sure why "fucking" is italicized. It makes me emphasize it in my head, when, in retrospect, I don't know if it should be emphasized when read aloud. But that's your choice, I suppose.
I think "I" is necessary to insert before the first line of the two. It feels really odd without it there. Though it is a very bold choice. Perhaps instead of putting a subject, change "cry" to "crying." The second line is redundant. "follows next" is a redundant phrase that I have used many times in essays and have always had points taken off for it. Pick one or the other.
I think that these two lines should be in the same tense. I am in favor of the present tense, simply because the rest of the poem is in present tense (also, I write in present tense more often than past (so I'm biased)).
First, I think it should be "the" instead of "a." Second, I think you should use a different word than "went." If you're saying "oh, god," then you need to have a better dialogue tag. If you're hiding in a corner, and you've just thrown up, you're probably going to moan. I would say that.
make sure your poem is in the same tense as itself. This is in past tense, while the majority of it is in present.
Altogether, this was quite a pleasant read. You're good at poeting, Ree. I hope this review proves helpful to you. Happy poeting!