Published March 22, 2012
If you did, you wouldn't hang around so much. You'd see me for the disgusting excuse of a human being I am. And like my mother, you'd be repulsed by what you saw.
You'd see the reason why I give and give. My time. My possessions. Myself. I can only hope to make up for my inadequacies. People say they love me, but they don't really mean it. They can't possibly love me -because they don't know the real me.
One day, they will see only a glimpse of the real me.
It hurts every time. You'd think by now, I was use to it. The way they look through me as though I don't exist. How they hear me knocking, but pretend not to be there. The harsh words that cut really deep and leave me blinking in shock, but after a few moments I realized they saw me for me.
The worst is when they lie promising to come back, but I know they won't. I know they won’t. I realize: I had it coming. They were eventually going to see what I saw in the mirror every morning.
All the mistakes. The imperfections. The real me.
So, I invest time and effort in covering it all up. No amount of foundation is going to hide it, but I try. I try to prolong moment in which they see me for what I am. I wait in dread for it. The shock when they recognize what I see in the mirror every morning; the disgust that promptly follows.
It's okay because I'll sleep it away. Start a new day, put the time in covering up all the blemishes, and walk out the door to repeat yesterday -different people and places, but it's always the same. I'll just wait for it to happen again because I know what to expect. Because it is what I deserve, but you don't really know me yet so you'll comfort me and tell me it isn't true.
I’ll just wait in dread for the moment in which you see me for what I am. I don’t think it’ll be okay, but I’ll try to sleep it away. Maybe I'll make a cocktail of pills so that I can fall asleep forever. So that I'll never have to wake up and see that awful mirror again.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,247 Literary Works • 674,329 Reviews
Hello reason!
I'm not too sure what I think of this. There's a lot of raw emotion, which is excellent, but for such a strong emotional piece, I feel like there should be more of the narrator present. I know so very little about them--are they male or female?
(Okay, if I reread... there's that bit about the foundation, but hey, more and more guys are wearing makeup these days.)
So, are they male or female? How old? I guess these aren't vital requirements, but I feel like they would add a lot to the overall whatsit. This is all about the narrator's personality, how they feel about themselves, so more about themselves would add another dimension to it, so we would be able to see his/her actions for ourselves. Then we could form our own opinions about them, which would make his/her thoughts all the more tragic.
On a more pedantic note, I don't like the underlined and bold type. I prefer italics as it looks better, and seeing as you do use italics, it would be more effective, less gimmicky, if you just stuck to one form.
Another thing is, I'd like a better idea of who the "you" is. Is it everyone the narrator meets or a specific person? At times it seems like it's a more generalised address to the whole world, but other times it seems to become more personal, as though the narrator is speaking directly to one person who's very important to them, like a potential boy/girlfriend.
I hope this all makes sense (I'm multitasking right now) but do PM or Wall me if you have any questions!
-twit
Hey there! Rosie here!
I hate to say that I like this piece, but I don't. I think it's a good piece of work and writing on your part, but I don't like what it stands for, mostly because I identify with it, and I don't like that I can. There was a time in my life when my thoughts were basically everything that you wrote about here. I distinctly remember waking up, looking in the mirror, and telling myself that I absolutely hated the person staring back. It was really...hard.
If this is simply a piece of creative writing trying to play the part of someone who's depressed, then you definitely did a good job. But if these are your real thoughts, if this is genuinely how you feel, I'm sorry for you. I know how hard it is to hate who you are, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. If these are your real thoughts, I hope you get past them. Believe me, there is a past. There is more, and it's beautiful, once you stop caring what anyone else thinks of you and simply start being the person who's inside.
I've made a lot of changes in my life, and they've made all the difference. I'm entirely in love with the girl I've become, and I've come to terms with what made me the person I used to be. There's nothing quite like being happy for no reason at all, waking up and dancing around your bedroom because you're free.
Anyway, if these aren't your thoughts and this is simply creative writing, great work. You captured realistic feelings very well. And if these are real, my prayers are with you! The world is a wonderful place if you let yourself be the person you were meant to be!
Best wishes,
-Rosie
We talked about this already in chat, but to recap:
-- I wouldn't have known the narrator was a girl if you hadn't told me, save for the one comment about covering up blemishes.
--Also, I'm not in love with the formatting. Too many different kinds actually kinda detract from the emphasis. Stick with one alternate format, or let the words speak for themselves and don't use any alternate formats. Personally, I'd go with the latter; words are powerful--let them speak.
--I don't have much else for you, beyond that the piece is pure emotion--to which people can relate --but not anything that gives a clue as to who the character is, as a person. Nameless, faceless, ageless, and therefore, a nobody. Similar to how an info-dump is a lot of information without any emotional implications, an emo-dump (heh) is all emotional implications, without any context.
--Your writing is clearly developed, and you've a strong grasp of sentence structure variability and wording.
Looking forward to more.
--D