It's been a while since I've posted...or even been on YWS. But I wanted to share this, so here it is:
Please tell me I’m not alone,
On my own, in this strange
World of crazy confusion.
Every time I see you, I
Regret myself
For everything I am, for how
Unlike we seem to be, yet I’d
Love to know who you are.
I’d love to be the one you want, to
Never speak words because it’s easier
To read each other’s eyes. But unfortunately I
Realize how impossible that is and how
I must learn to live with this
Guilt of curiosity and
Uncontrollable thoughts that center
Every thing around you.
P.S.--There's a secret message? Think you can find it? It's a pretty unoriginal method of hiding it...
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello, Razzle. Reise here to review.
I love how you have the hidden message inside of your poem. That was really creative and when I actually found it, it made me laugh a bit. This had a very nice flow and was easy to read. Your rhythm was on point and carried throughout the whole poem. I would suggest spacing more but that would just ruin the message. Yes, your poem is, in some ways, very passive but I won't grill you too much on that fact.
This was clever and nice. Keep writing.
#FF8000 ">ReisePiecey!
Hey.
This was a good read. I found the secret message clever and entertaining. The poem itself flowed well until certain points (which have already been pointed out.) Try to make your poems flow better by reading them out loud. This way you know where some lines need little tweaks.
All in all though, a good read.
Thanks.
Hey razzleberry,
I think this is suffocating from vagueness and too many pronouns.
Let's look at this one part:
The last three lines you use "to be" in three different ways -- I am, to be, and you are. I don't have anything against "to be" per se, but in a poem it's pretty passive and doesn't give the reader much to work with. The poem itself makes very little conclusions or daring images, it's a all a bit empty of things for the reader to grab onto and explore. Without little details we're not really sure what's going on.
Also, I found the acrostic message, but didn't really get it.
Good luck in the future!
Hey Razzle.
A bit confusing because I thought when people where alone they were generally on their own.Awkward bit. I found this weird to read. I feel as though the flow from the beginning has been cut off.
How unlike we seem to be? I don't get it. Perhaps you should rephrase that line.
I liked the ending.
This wouldn't be my favorite poem in the world but there was something about it that struck me except for the hidden message thing. There were a few punctuation mistakes . The flow was cut off at the beginning and the imagery wasn't that bad. To me this poem was average and can be improved upon.
Keep Writing,
Anger
If you have any questions or complaints with my review PM me.
Oh and the hidden message is POWERFUL INTRIGUE I think.
Hey, it's smashles here for a review!
I'd like to start off by saying I really like this piece. It's creative and I really like the way you've patterned your lines with how it's chopped off half way through the sentence and then finished on the next line. It's also refreshing to see a poem that doesn't rhyme! In all honesty, I can't see any flaws in this poem. It's all very well written.
And I'm not entirely sure what the message is. Enlighten me???
Smashles