Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
Well the story Five Families is about a story that took place in New York City, it was in the 20th century when this happen. The story was about the mafia called "Five Families" it was a guy named Tony Veto and had a wife name Rachelle Veto.They had a son name Adam Veto, he was a very smart kid and look up to his dad as an idol. Tony Veto was the godfather of the gang called five families, married Rachelle in 1922 and had Adam the year after that. Tony was proud having Adam because he never had a son or daughter, always wanted one but know he does know.
Therefore, Tony decide on November 21, when tomorrow was about to be his wife birthday, he took his wife and son to the movies to watch a cartoon movie and they like it. When the movie was finish like around 9 pm they were going to their car to go home but suddenly, there was a gang called "The Saints" they when up to them and they hit Tony with a gun in the face and got knock out. They shot Rachelle in the heart because she was able to escape when they grab and shot her in the heart because the Saints boss was her ex named Joe and he in mind, decide to shot her when he knew they were married, and they also had a thought to kidnapped his son and they did.
When Tony woke he was in the parking lot when he parked the car and the car was not there no more and he knew Rachelle was dead because her body was next to him. Didn't saw his son so, he got scare and didn't know what to do but get revenge? So he when to a house where was the Five Families known as the gang and when he went to the office and found out there was a letter in his cabinet and said his name. The letter said "Tony if you want to see your son again you have to give use to 2 million dollars and hurry if you don't your son die by two days."Tony didn't knew what to do but he had an idea in mind so, he told his gang to get ready because there was going to be war against "The Saints". Soon they found where was his son at it was in and old fish factory and he knew that there was going to be war so he told his gang to get ready and to set up a barrier or something . When he gives them a little visit. They were all set and when the saints pull out their guns on Tony he gave a sign to his gang to tell them to fire their guns because they wanted to kill Tony because he also married Rachelle.
Which was the Saints boss Joe. So they were having a big gang war when it also alert the police and there was blood everywhere. People were screaming when they heard gun shots from the big gang war and the people were running if like they were in a zombie movie. The police were requesting for back up because it got intense of the big shooting in the abandon fish factory.After that there was a big explosion in the fish factory because the Five Families shot at a gas tank that was near to the factory and Tony and Adam were still there in the abandon fish factory.People were dying from both gangs and also from the police that, were shooting outside. It was intense for both godfathers of the gang because they nearly lost half of their crew because of the big explosion and the shooting from cops and the gangs.
Tony was struggling to find his son because their was a fire that caught out and it manage to effect the factory and it started a fire. Tony was sweating because of the fire and he was getting worried because he didn't know were was his son at, he went door to door finding his son. Suddenly he spot something in a room he forgot about and he look an saw that his son was tied there but the fire didn't affect the room. So he ran to his son because he was tied in a chair and his mouth was wrap with a blanket but, suddenly Joe the Saint boss came out nowhere and tackle Tony. The fight was intense that both were bruise and bloody because they were fighting like crazy if they were dogs.Their were fighting until Tony shoot Joe in the torso in the body a whole clip of a magnum revolver.
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125,012 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hello. Holographic Ladybug here for a review!
You could paragraph it a bit like this:
First off: you really, really, really, REALLY NEED to use paragraphing. Your story is impossible to read and disorganized otherwise.
Spoiler
Also, you are really showing and not telling. To made your story amazing with good quality, you need to show us the events and backstory and not tell us. For example, you told us that they liked the cartoon movie. You could show us instead something like this:
There is absolutely no showing in your story, so I would suggest that you do something like this. Sure, it will make your story longer, but you'll find that you and the reader will have a lot more fun.
This leads up to that you are going way too fast. Honestly one of the only ways you as the writer could really do this for this story would be to do what I said above. You could also add description, which is what you really need for this. So look around your story, see spots where you could add detail, make a mental note, use this as a guideline, and rewrite it so that you're showing and not telling, slowing down, using description, and using proper grammar. (Which brings us to our next point)
Really, you don't always have good grammar here. You're sometimes missing spaces, you're mixing up your tenses, etc. I would be here all day correcting everything and we'd both end up confused, so I'd recommend getting somebody to check your word to make sure there's any spelling errors. Also, you could read it aloud. Reading out loud works wonders.
You also don't need to say to us that this was written in the twentieth century. This goes along with the showing and not telling part. Let us experience it.
I was overall slightly confused by this, but take my, TahaT11n, and mialynire's advice because every bit of help counts, no matter what the story is, for every work. I also apologize if I sound a bit mean.
Have a good day/night.
~Holographic Ladybug
Hey, razy! Here's a short review from Taha. Well, senpai Rine has already done a good job giving you a biiiig review!
First of all, the title. Well, the story is about the family of a member of Five Families, not about Five Families. So, I think it would be better if you changed the title to something that really reflected the family's story since it is the focus of your story.
Second, the lack of stanzas. Well, stanzas or paragraphs give you a good sense of what is happening after what, what is being emphasized, what is not so important for the story etc. You could have used stanzas to do the same. The story kinda seemed "dense" to me when I only gazed at it. But if you had used stanzas, it would not happen.
Third, this looks like a narrating of a story from a third person. Like, someone other than the writer is only telling us the main parts of the story. So, I am a little confused thinking either it is a story or not. Also, if it's a story, you could have dug a little bit deeper into the story. There is a lot of emotions to write about in this plot. They are definitely missing here. If you sketch them and use stanzas and some direct speeches, I am damn sure, it will be a great short story and you can post it under Short Story.
Fourth, definitely there has been quite a lot of grammatical mistakes. But that's something that all do and you are here to learn, right?
So, don't be hurt for my only "criticizing" review. Just read the story again and try to feel if you want to edit or not. If you don't, let it be just the way it is. And keep on trying to correct your mistakes...
Best of luck!
Hey, razy! Here's a short review from Taha. Well, senpai Rine has already done a good job giving you a biiiig review!
First of all, the title. Well, the story is about the family of a member of Five Families, not about Five Families. So, I think it would be better if you changed the title to something that really reflected the family's story since it is the focus of your story.
Second, the lack of stanzas. Well, stanzas or paragraphs give you a good sense of what is happening after what, what is being emphasized, what is not so important for the story etc. You could have used stanzas to do the same. The story kinda seemed "dense" to me when I only gazed at it. But if you had used stanzas, it would not happen.
Third, this looks like a narrating of a story from a third person. Like, someone other than the writer is only telling us the main parts of the story. So, I am a little confused thinking either it is a story or not. Also, if it's a story, you could have dug a little bit deeper into the story. There is a lot of emotions to write about in this plot. They are definitely missing here. If you sketch them and use stanzas and some direct speeches, I am damn sure, it will be a great short story and you can post it under Short Story.
Fourth, definitely there has been quite a lot of grammatical mistakes. But that's something that all do and you are here to learn, right?
So, don't be hurt for my only "criticizing" review. Just read the story again and try to feel if you want to edit or not. If you don't, let it be just the way it is. And keep on trying to correct your mistakes...
Best of luck!
Hello hello.
Some quick edits! Hurry!
Rewriting: When this happened.
Rewriting: The story's about a mafia group known as "Five Families" where there's a guy named Tony Veto who had a wife named Rachelle Veto.
This makes no sense. Remove it. ^^
Rewriting: On November 21, Tony decided to take his wife and son to an animated movie to celebrate his wife's birthday which was on the next day. And, they liked it. ( :3 )
Rewriting: Around 9 pm, the movie was finished and they headed to their car but suddenly they were attacked by a gang called "The Saints." They hit Tony with a gun and he lost his sense.
Rewriting: They shot Rachelle straight in chest while she tried escaping because the leader of that gang, Joe, was her former boyfriend who turned revengeful when she got married to Tony. They also kidnapped their son.
Rewriting: Tony gradually started getting back to sense, he saw his wife's dead body just beside him and his son wasn't there, nor his car. He was totally lost. He went to his gang's office but nobody was there, just a letter.
Rewriting: He opened the letter and he felt unbearable pain at the back of his head. The letter said,
"Tony, if you want your son alive, give us Two million dollars and don't try being clever. Otherwise your son's dead body will be sent to you.
He was furious and called his gang members calling for a war against "The Saints." Soon enough they found out the place where his son was being kept, that was an old fishery. He told his mates to stay put.
Rewriting: When all was set, Tony walked alone inside the fishery and "The Saints" were ready to shoot him. Only then, Tony gave signal to his mates and both of the gang's started firing. There's a massive cross-firing. People were terrified and police reached the area and found it covered with blood, horrifying, it was!
Rewriting: There's a big explosion in the factory and fire spread everywhere. The police requested everyone to get away from the place as it was no longer safe. Members from both gang's were dying and police started shooting too. Tony, on the other hand, was bruised dangerously and he was looking for his son. He was acting crazy. Suddenly he found a room where he found Adam tied to a chair, there's fire everywhere but luckily not inside the room. He was untying his son but only then Joe came out of nowhere and they both started fighting like animals until Tony shot Joe in his torso!
Weeeell, I think I just tried editing your grammatical errors and rewrote those. I know I stink but I tried helping. :3 And, your story, it doesn't flow quite nicely. I felt it while rewriting it. It feels incomplete and more like a boring essay, not a thrilling story. So, think again about the plot. Try looking at my edits. There were pretty much a lot of mistakes, I don't know if those are because you weren't sensible enough while writing the story. But, anyway, always there's room for improvement. Don't worry.
Hope I helped even when I just tried covering the grammatical issues.
Have a great day~
Nire.
Do our eyes catch the same things?