Published September 12, 2009
I'm new to this site so I thought I would post my newest poem : )
I know I have a lot to learn haha.
You’re a packaged deal
I’m buying it at quite a steal
I want it all
Your heart, your pain
Your love, my gain
I want it all
I want to share my bed
I want inside your head
I want it all
I want to wrestle in the sheets
I’ll accept you and your beliefs
I want it all
Your problems are mine too
I want everything and all of you
I want it all
I want to kiss you all day long
I want you to know you belong
With me
I want it all
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141,623 Literary Works • 675,225 Reviews
Hiya! Welcome to YWS! I'm Rosey and I'll be your reviewer today.
I'd just like to point out YWS has a 2:1 review to works posted policy. For every one work you post, you should have two reviews. So get out there and get some reviews done quickly, alright?
I didn't really enjoy the repetition here, and the "telling" aspect of this poem. It made it more into a list, without any emotional involvement from the reader. Spend more time on the imagery and emotions in this poem so that we want this guy as well. Right now, the descriptions probably hold a fair bit of meaning to you, but we don't know who you're talking about. The trick to good poetry is making readers feel what the poet is feeling about the topic.
Overall, your base is maybe a bit cliched, but I do see some redeeming qualities and traits you can pull out to really make this shine. Mostly, wanting his pain. I haven't seen that much and would really like it if you explored that more.
PM me with questions.
~Rosey
Oh, thanks for pointing that typo out for me! Yes, I realize that love poems are the most common probably out of the history of writing, I'll try my best to fix it up.
Thanks so much for the advice! : )
Hey there! Welcome to YWS! ^^ I'm Hawkie and I'll be reviewing you today.
Should be "I'm," not "I've."
. . . my favorite line. ^^
That's all the nit-picks for now. As for the poem overall, I thought it was a bit lacklustre. There are all kinds of love poems out there; sad love poems, happy love poems, passionate love poems, sappy love poems, you name it, it's out there. Ask yourself this: what really makes your love poem different from the others? I like the way you write, and I really think you can make this shine if you spice it up a bit.
Good job with this! PM me if you have any questions.
Keep writing!
-Hawks-