random words

Great job Rawan, especially for your first poem! I liked the emotional and philosophic undertones of this piece. Overall theme is really good!

Just a few nitpicks that can be easily corrected. I don't know if you purposely did this, but some of the grammatical phrasing is quite awkward, beginning with the first stanza, "when you love someone hurt you", and "You just can not stop that feeling ,can you??" I would change that you "When you love someone who hurts you" "And cannot stop that feeling". Second stanza, "But can you think about someone hurt you deeply?" Maybe a little better wording would be, "but can you think about someone who has hurt you deeply?" There are a few more examples but I think this will suffice!

Great job again, you have talent and you're lucky--better to have writing with great themes and emotions with a few tiny grammar mistakes than an error-less but dry and cliche piece. !

Welcome to YWS, and keep writing!
-Zanda

Hi, welcome to YWS.

This reads like a diary entry rather than a poem. Rhymes seem to be placed randomly and your work doesn't form anything concrete. But hey, we are here to learn, right?

English may or may not be your first language; that said, you should consider having a better grasp on grammar (I recommend this) and syntax (i.e. word structure) before diving once again into poetry-craft.

Take a look at your poem from an outsider's point of view. What would attract them to this piece? What will the find memorable? Disjoint sentences and half-formed imagery does not make a good piece. Avoid cliche topics, or try to write them in a way that is not musing, but vibrant images. Read more poetry if you really want to improve. And most importantly, practice practice practice.

My final advice to you is to consider what any reviewers say. See if it works for you; if not, discard it. Sometimes people will say things you don't want to hear. In that case, walk away from that review then come back and see if you understand where they're coming from. As I mentioned before, we are all here to learn.

Keep on writing and hope to see you around.
Cheers,
Alpha~

Hi there rawan!

This is a really good piece of work here. However, I did notice a few mistakes.

the lowercase i in the third paragraph, lines three, five, and six should be capitalized.

'And I didn't choose any of them'
'When I was invisible'
'When I was desperate'

See the difference?

'But can you think about someone hurt you deeply?'

This line lacks something. I think you could add in 'how' or 'when'

'But can you think about how someone hurt you deeply?'
'But can you think about when someone hurt you deeply?'

I would go with 'when'.


In the second paragraph, lines three and four, 'can not' should be 'cannot'


Paragraph three, first line: 'Its weird that we do not choose our destiny, is it?'

'Its' should be 'It's' and 'is it?' should be 'isn't it?'

'It's weird that we do not choose our destiny, isn't it?'


Paragraph four, line four: 'We have a joint sky'
I think you meant, 'We have a joined sky'


Paragraph four, last line: 'You can see my eyes watch you my love'

There should be a comma between 'you' and 'my'. It helps that line to flow better.
'You can see my eyes watch you, my love'



The extra '?' at the end of paragraph one isn't really needed.
'can not' should be 'cannot'
Also, there should be a space between the comma and 'can'.

'You just cannot stop that feeling, can you?'


And lastly, you can erase the period after 'When i was desperate'. It looks a little odd hanging out there.




I hope this helped you, and I'm sorry if I repeated someones advice.



~Swiftfur

Hi! Amddog here for a review.
So I can relate to this. My first poem was not the greatest, but I don't feel it was bad either. I feel the same way about this poem. It was a little bit confusing but It is your first poem, naturally there would be mistakes, right? I'm not good at negative comments so I'm not going to try to give any bad comments. If you take any of this wrong I'm sorry, I'm trying to be nice. In the in
"Many people many places many things around me"

You need to add commas. It helps with the rhythm. Now read it out loud with the commas.

"Many people, many places, many things around me"

See the difference? If not then just find other ways to tinker with the rhythm until you get a positive outcome. You need to do this in a few other places too. And that's all I have for now!

~Amddog

Hey, Ruro here.

First off, take a look at ALL of your sentences. Do they really make sense? No? Okay, go back and fix them. Keep your tenses in order.

Read it aloud.
If you speak a different language and I dunno, you just, used google translate, it didn't come out too well.
I'm not trying to be harsh here or anything, but I really don't /get/ it.
What is "it"? Is it love? Make it more clear for us.
Don't over take it on the punctuation, and make sure if you use it once, you use it everywhere
Make sure you keep your capitalization consistent. "I" shouldn't change to "i", so make sure you know if you want to use capitalization or not.
I'm not sure who the narrator is, maybe make it clear? Poetry isn't all about mystery and hidden messages, some messages are so blunt it just hits you like that.
But that's just me, I write bluntly.

So:
Make sure to read it aloud
Make sure we know who the narrator is or at least let us get an idea of who the narrator is.
Watch your punctuation and capitalization.

And that's all I got,


~Ruro~

ok, i am going to analyze this paragraph by paragraph.

#1 ) what does this mean? " When you love someone hurt you." ?
also, when you wrote "the first poem i write!" it's supposed to be wrote. That kind of ruined it for me...
ANd, lastly for the 1st paragraph, don't use double-punctuation. You did "??". Don't do that. IT doesn't make the poem as strong.
#2) Define "it" in your 1st sentence of the 2nd paragraph.
This goes along with something from paragrpah #1 .. it seems like you forgot the word "who" in between someone, and hate. I don't know if you purposley put it there or not.
I don't understand the last 4 lines..
#3) say "is it not?" instead in your first sentence of the 3rd paragraph.
The last 4 lines don't make sense here. You said "i chose you", but then you said that the 'love' found you... clearify..
#4) The last 4 lines aslo don't make sense to me.. it just doesn't fit for me..
i also dont get the last sentence.....


overall, this poem was... ok..

Hello CapitalMonday here for a review, from the nest. I would first like to say (is the title suppose to be random words not ranom words?) also I can relate to this poem in so many ways and how the tone is settled. This poem could relate to many people, since when you love someone you are afraid that they might turn you do for who you or what you might do in the world (without their permission or not). I could almost relate since I loved someone then a year later, they were dating this girl and I cried for 3 days straight then i got over them, by pretending they weren't in my life. I did, however, become friends with them.

The tone of this poem is happiness since the person in this poem has found love and wants to be with this person forever. Then one day, the person's gf/bf doesn't show up for a date and then the person realizes that their date has died 1 year ago and is now crying. They look up at the school asking why they had to die and all the get is nothing but a blue, silence sky and broken heart.

But above in the sky, are the date's eyes looking down hiding the tears that went down their face.

Farewell and Welcome to YWS!~
CapitalMonday