Published May 1, 2015
I walked up the stairs
to the room where I sleep
I look at her there
in her dreams so deep
I pulled up the covers
so she would be warm
I started to hover
and she started to squirm
oh Harley dear
just lay down still
her make-up had smeared
maybe from fear
of me! how strange
she never was frightful
maybe i'd changed
maybe it's spiteful
she always annoyed me
she did it on purpose
but now she hurt me
batman had cursed us
he changed her he did
she used to be mine
but now she hid
her body, her mind
I hear her stir
pudding come here
I move over to her
she kissed my ear
pudding I love you
I sigh with relief
I love you too
I wanted to speak
I couldn't make words
but I held her closer
maybe she'd get it
or maybe i'd roast her
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Canary word: Present
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127,794 Literary Works • 671,486 Reviews
This is pretty interesting. Though I have never really gotten into superhero stuff, I get a good idea of what the Joker is like here (and boy is he creepy). So good job with that.
You also did a really good job with the rhyming. It was very smooth, and most of the time I didn't even notice it.
One thing:
What's spiteful? I have no idea what you're referring to. Are you talking about the girl? Did you mean she did it out of spite? Please edit for clarity.
Since you have such a good rhyming scheme here, I'd recommend adding stanzas based off of it. A break every four lines should work. Since you're new here, the way you do stanzas on YWS is by pressing shift+enter for every line, then when you want a new stanza you just press "enter"
An example:
I walked up the stairs (Shift+enter)
to the room where I sleep (Shift+enter)
I look at her there (Shift+enter)
in her dreams so deep (Just enter to form the new stanza)
It's a bit counter-intuitive, but that's how it works.
The last thing you could do would be to add some punctuation. You may have chosen not to do punctuation, but it's worth looking at to see how it could affect the flow of your piece. A period in the right place can really serve to emphasize an idea.
Anyway, I hope this helped. Good luck and keep writing!
This is an awesome idea! Yeah, it can be fixed up a bit by looking at the flow of the poem, maybe changing some words or adding/taking some out and a couple of punctuation issues but it's really good work.
It's just really different and original and lack of originality is what's missing in most poems today, so hats off to you for that. It really gives an emotional insight on two characters that are portrayed as very strong.
Keep writing awesome stuff!
-Jumana
This is an awesome idea! Yeah, it can be fixed up a bit by looking at the flow of the poem, maybe changing some words or adding/taking some out and a couple of punctuation issues but it's really good work.
It's just really different and original and lack of originality is what's missing in most poems today, so hats off to you for that. It really gives an emotional insight on two characters that are portrayed as very strong.
Keep writing awesome stuff!
-Jumana
This is an awesome idea! Yeah, it can be fixed up a bit by looking at the flow of the poem, maybe changing some words or adding/taking some out and a couple of punctuation issues but it's really good work.
It's just really different and original and lack of originality is what's missing in most poems today, so hats off to you for that. It really gives an emotional insight on two characters that are portrayed as very strong.
Keep writing awesome stuff!
-Jumana
This is an awesome idea! Yeah, it can be fixed up a bit by looking at the flow of the poem, maybe changing some words or adding/taking some out and a couple of punctuation issues but it's really good work.
It's just really different and original and lack of originality is what's missing in most poems today, so hats off to you for that. It really gives an emotional insight on two characters that are portrayed as very strong.
Keep writing awesome stuff!
-Jumana
Hi Raver,
This is a really interesting poem. I realize that it's supposed to be about the DC characters, but it might be interesting if you changed Harley to "she" and Batman to "he" just for some ambiguity in this piece. The only criticism I could think to give would be focus on punctuation. To help with that, just write out the poem on a document and add punctuation as normal. Then format it to the way you had it, so that it's not just one giant run-on sentence.
Overall though, this is a very well written piece, whether it be about comic book characters or not. Keep up the great writing!
-Incohesive Scribbles
welcome to yws! i loved it your poem. to me, the most powerful line of a piece of work can be the last, and your final line was great. keep writing.