Published September 8, 2007
I'm writing a novel and this would really help if someone...anyone gave me their feedback. Like on spelling, pronunciation, ideas etc.Thanx;p
The fire burned through her throat, scorching through her veins. It was a heat so excruciating words couldn't describe. A fire so powerful it burned ever inch of her, consuming her entire body. She blinked back the tears as she clenched her jaws tightly. Obviously trying to evoke some sort of rebellion. The power completely overwhelmed her, and with eyes shut she threw back her head; screaming out as if being tortured.
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Frist off, welcome, welcome!!!! I'm Wiggy, resident happy, hyper, insane member, and it's great to see you here!
) Best of luck, and if you need some help with any navigating or whatever, feel free to pm me!
I'd say exactly what Misty said, and also, when you write other posts, you might want to speak in "normal" language. Some people on here don't take too kindly to chatspeak, and won't reply to your posts if they see that. (Just warning you before something bad might happen!
thanx so very much! That has 2 b the most detailed and wonderful advise I've ever gotten. Thanx again;p I'll try 2 c what I can work on.
GENERAL SCATTERED NOTES AND OTHER WHATSITS
Hey there Raven! Well, first off, I see you're new here (cheers and hello)! A good thing to do when you're new is lurk about the writing tips sections, and then join a few groups (such as character development, and so on). Posting right off isn't super advisable. You're also going to want to critique about 5 times as much as you post (so for every post you want a critique for, you should have five critiques elsewhere. Just good policy).
If you're not sure how to critique, my critique mode (general notes, line edits, things you did well, things that could use a second look) is very standard. Another piece of good advice is to critique back the people who critiqued you--at the very least PM them if you have questions. And never talk back after a critique or get defensive. That'll just miff the people who critiqued you and you'll be less likely to get critiques in the future.
Also, I don't think you mean to ask for tips on pronunciation. ^_^
LINE EDITS
My anatomy and physiology knowledge isn't the best, but I don't believe there are veins in the throat. Maybe I am wrong, but there shouldn't be room for doubt.
But you go on to describe it in the very next sentence.
There's quite a bit of confusion here, especially since you didn't post enough for the reader to get what you're saying. Is this a literal fire?
Nice work! This detail is easy to envision. XD Good job!
This isn't a complete sentence. How about "[She was] [o]bviously..."
"Overwhelmed" is a good word, but it seems like you're showing, not telling. "Screaming as if being tortured" is also showing not telling. I also think it's safe to say that she is being tortured. So you can take out the "as if." ^_^
THINGS YOU DID WELL
1. Vivid descriptions. Even though you haven't yet described much (except the feelings of this one girl as she's (apparently) burned alive, I still got bits and pieces of the scene in my imagination. Now what I want is more! Solid details, girl!
2. Specific character. I as of yet know very little about this girl, but what I do know is vivid!
3. Nice use of prose. It's written nicely. I hope you are getting your daily dose of Nabokov, master of prose? If you aren't you ought to be, since this seems to be your forte.
THINGS THAT COULD USE A SECOND LOOK
Here is where I critique you on the exact things I just praised you on.
1. I want more solid descriptions. Besides some strange fire, power, rebellion, I want to know the scenery, the color of the girls hair (and hair ribbon), the way she seems or comes off. This should all be very subtle, and well written, which is why you need some Nabakov in you.
2. This is a really short section. Next time, work it out more carefully and post more, because it's really too short to get much out of...
CONCLUSION
Good for a first post--you're still learning the ropes. I hope to see you on the boards critiquing your heart out--and hopefully using this same format (which is always helpful, I like to think).
Cheers and Merry Unbirthdays!
Misty
Ok thanx that really does help. I'll try 2 make it longer. Probably from another chapter though. The preview I've just given hasn't exactly been written yet. But brilliant advise though. Thanx;p
First, I'm going to move this to the fiction section, because that is where writing goes. ^^
As to the critique, this is really too short for us to give a good response to. It's just a paragraph--and from it I know nothing about your novel at all. I don't even know who "she" is. So you might want to give us some more to work with.
Hope that helps. =)