Published June 27, 2011
Whenever I feel sad, depressed and left out,
And my loneliness prompts me to huddle up in my couch and shout;
I softly shut up my tired eyes ,
And see the picture of a vast blue ocean before me rise.
The wide ocean has a cool and refreshing appeal,
As if assuring me that all my pains it will heal;
With its soothing effect upon my dark brown eyes,
It assures me to make my day nice.
It’s cold blue water washes down my face,
And it’s waves drenches my stockings of lace;
I sense a shimmer of coldness pass down my spine,
And a feeling of relaxation passing through my mind.
I keep staring at the vastness of the sea,
As if trying to unlock its thousands of mysteries
That are long forgotten, buried and dead;
Under the sands of the deep sea-bed.
I suddenly open up my eyes wide and stare,
And find my room filled with a cool, refreshing air;
My mind gets filled with a beautiful essence,
After all, the ocean in my dreamland is the best among all my friends.
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138,393 Literary Works • 672,114 Reviews
Hi there! Here is, as promised the reveiw of you entry to my contest. So, first of all I'd like to say that I enjoyed reading it. The word choice was good, and it had a nice, slow, real feel to it. All I can say is I think these two lines sound a little weird.
I know you are trying to rhyme but it just.. doesn't work. So, anyway, great job with this. Keep writing!
-Cammie
Overally I like this poem but thre are some things that need improving. For a starter, you say
I know you want to make it rhyme, but I'm not sure depression makes you just shout out loud to no one imparticular. (I may be wrong, as not having looked it up, or having had experience, but yeah thats what I think.
These lines are a bit awkward because you rhymed during the whole poem, and then have these odd lines standing out. I think you should change them making the rhyme, or find a better word.
Apart from that though this poem is good. I really like how the ocean, beautiful and calm relaxes her even when she isn't there. It is a good image. All in all its an okay poem
I like how you use the image you see of the ocean in your mind as an escape from hard times in reality. The fourth stanza,
about the sea being mysterious is very intresting. Is that symbolizing the confusion and mysteriousness of life itself? Perhaps, trying to figure everything out that makes hard times so frustrating? Just a guess. Very great portrayal of escapement! Good job!I totaly agree with MiRaCLeS there are so many other adjectives to describe the sea other than the ones you have used. I too feel that nice is a really un-adjectivey adjective xD [i know thats not a word but I couldn't think of a better way to say it] Nice is quite flat and generic. Using a rhyming dictionary and or theasaurus is a good idea as that way you get more words to use and then words to rhyme it with :] Perhaps using "precise" or another word of the same meaning would improve that line :] Hope this helps x
Hi!
So, I quite like this poem. I liked the juxtaposition between the waves and the emotions behind it. I also liked the fact that you chose the ocean, because for me, the ocean is a strong symbol for calmness and freedom because it's so vast, huge and nothing can restrain it.
Another reason the poem was good was the rhyming, often when people try to rhyme, the words mostly end up sounding forced and it's really obvious that they tried a little bit too hard to rhyme. With your poem, the rhyming was brilliant. So brilliant and flowing that I didn't notice it when I read it for the first time. Really good job on that.
A criticism I have, would be your choice of adjectives. I don't think that they're as strong as they could be. For one, you used 'vast' to describe the ocean twice. I also noticed that you used lots of common adjectives, such as: soothing, cool, nice (more on this one later), beautiful, etc. I don't feel like those words are doing the ocean justice. You had attached this calming and relaxing feel to the ocean and it's let down a bit by the simple choice of adjective. But, this problem is quite easy to solve, with this helpful tool.
Okay, I mentioned that I'd talk about the word 'nice' later one, well, here it is:
For me, that word (nice) rather killed the poem. You've been talking about this awesome ocean and then you went one about it making your day... nice. I do realise that you're trying to make it rhyme. But nice is such an overused word. Everyone use it all the time that it no longer has an effect. It's just this word people use when they couldn't be bothered to think. I think you can do better than that. Give us something better than nice whilst keeping the rhyme. I understand this could be hard. But I'm sure you can do it.
So, overall impression, the way you associated the ocean and an emotion is really cool. But some of the adjectives are a bit of a let down. But awesome job on the poem anyway. Keep it up!