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Young Writers Society



dreams, lost hope, running from something...

by raquel.wolfangel


Darkness


I climbed higher and higher.

I wasn’t afraid of falling.

Grasping the next branch,

I pulled my body even further up the rough surface.

Stepping onto each limb,

Hardly large enough to support my weight,

I was hiding,

Hiding from Darkness.

I could feel a rush of cold air run up the tree,

As if I was being submerged in water.

He was also climbing,

Faster than me.

Now I was afraid.

I kept on reaching, pulling, stepping.

My foot slipped and I reached for the nearest branch.

I was balanced again.

The tree seemed to extend forever on.

How long would I be running for?

Then I felt Darkness’s hand wrap around my ankle,

It was ice cold, painfully cold.

Beginning to kick viciously,

I screamed.

I tried to scream,

But nothing came out.

Darkness was killing me.

I was holding on to the branch now,

My fingers unwrapping slowly.

I wouldn’t let go.

Then I saw it,

My savior!

The Sun was rising,

But Darkness wouldn’t let go.

He kept on pulling

And I kept on holding on.

Jut when I had the slightest bit of hope,

The Sun exploded.

Then I woke up.




By: Raquel Pea

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60 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 60

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Sat Aug 30, 2008 9:35 pm
Sportgurl46 wrote a review...



hi :) welcome :) your poem is very good :) i only have a few...suggestions of my own to fix it up a little.

1)

I kept on reaching, pulling, stepping.
stepping just sounds like the wrong word for this sentence. try finding a different word for it.

2)
I kept on reaching, pulling, stepping.
My foot slipped and I reached for the nearest branch.
here you say reach twice. (yes i realize that they are sort of different) it sounds too repetitive and takes away from what you are trying to say right there.

3)
It was ice cold, painfully cold.
this sentence just sounds funny. maybe try something like "It was painfully bleak" or something. (that sounds stupid but it is just an option)

4)
Beginning to kick viciously,
I screamed.
I tried to scream,
But nothing came out.
ok, saying i screamed and then i tried to scream sounds funny. kind of like "OMG I screamed!!!! but i didn't really scream." maybe just saying "beginning to kick viciously, i tried to scream, but nothing came out."

5)
I wouldn’t let go.
But Darkness wouldn’t let go.
again, it is repetitive and you should try and find some differrent wording for it :)

6)
And I kept on holding on.
maybe try saying "and i kept holding on" saying "i kept on holing on" sounds like song lyrics.

7) honestly, the ending isn't strong enough. you should try to make it as powerful as the rest of it.

all in all it is really great :) just change a few things around and it will be awesome :) :) hope this helps :) if you have any questions please pm me :)

happy writing :)

-sport




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140 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 140

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Sat Aug 30, 2008 12:51 pm
Sapphire wrote a review...



Welcome to the site! Just to let you know we have a rule here that says you have to review two other works before posting a piece of your own - that way, everyone gets a chance to have their work critiqued.

To the review! I don't actually think this is a poem - it reads more like prose and doesn't really use any poetic devices. You could try expanding on it and turning it into a short story, or use techniques like alliteration, metaphors or repetition (but you have to be careful with repetition) to be able to call it a poem.

Also, I was a little disappointed by the end. Not everything needs a message but the ending just made it seem like this poem didn't have anything to tell us. It was great when you said that the sun represented hope; I thought that might be the message you were going to convey - that if you can get through the bad times, there'll be better times ahead. Never lose hope basically! I'd recommend changing the ending to reflect this kind of message, as opposed to the 'it was all a dream'.

Good luck!





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