the lonely girl
The water is cool.
Gareth pushes himself through the cool blue water.
Pushes himself through the water with sure hard strokes.
The sun sends threads of white into the blue.
At the bottom Gareth sees a shadowy blue bundle and
He dives.
Turns over the blue bundle and sees that
The girl has a beautiful face, beautiful and blue and swollen.
Gareth hangs in mid-water and watches the girl who lies.
The girl’s eyes slide open and her hands claw.
Gareth’s mouth opens.
He chases his scream-bubbles to the surface with panicked hands.
Gasp pulls himself out gasp but he slips on the lip of the pool and falls.
The girl stands over him and water drips from her blue body onto his body.
Puts her beautiful blue face next to his face.
So lonely, she whispers.
The leaves are falling.
Gareth walks amongst the falling red leaves.
Walks along the red rustling path with slow thoughtful steps.
The trees cast grey shadow on the raining red.
At the end of the path Gareth sees a hooded figure dressed in black and
He stops.
The figure walks towards him with her
Black black cloak swirling through the red red leaves.
Gareth stands on the path and watches the girl who steps through the red.
She reaches him and pulls down her hood and her eyes bleed.
Gareth moans.
He stumbles backwards with each breath snagging in his throat.
Laces of red unfurl from beneath her lids and slip down her pale face.
The girl grabs him and pulls their bodies together.
Presses her bloodied red cheek to his cheek.
We are so lonely, she whispers.
The night is still.
Gareth sits outside in the still black night.
Sits in the silent black night gazing up at the stars.
The moon lays strips of silver on the black.
From behind Gareth hears a sigh and
He turns.
Sees the girl standing over him with silver tears in her black eyes.
The girl kneels and takes his face in her hands.
Gareth sits in the black night and watches the girl who kneels and cries.
Lays her long silver fingers on his eyes and slides the lids shut.
Gareth gasps.
He feels himself leaving the garden behind.
They are gliding out of the garden and out of the still black night.
The girl pulls him up to the sky and beyond it.
Takes him out of this world and into another.
Now we will never be lonely, she whispers.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey your poem was really good. I loved it. I will like to read more of your poems or even stories if you write stories. It was unique the way you put and, and then started a new stanza. It worked. It has a bit of repetition however and there were certain parts where the flow was disrupted.
What is in bold is what I changed and is an explanation.okay so the bold doesn't work, I think I have it so you can figure out what I did. Hope this review helps you and good luck with your writing in the future.
The lonely girl
The water is cool.
Gareth pushes himself through the cool blue water.
Pushes himself through the water with sure hard strokes.
The sun sends threads of white into the blue.
At the bottom Gareth sees a shadowy blue bundle and
He dives.
Turns over the blue bundle and sees that
The girl has a beautiful face, beautiful and blue and swollen.
Gareth hangs in mid-water and watches the girl who lies.
The girl’s eyes slide open and her hands claw.
Gareth’s mouth opens.
He chases his scream-bubbles to the surface with panicked hands.
*Gasp* Pulls himself out, *gasp* but he slips on the lip of the pool and falls. (Somehow the gasp doesn’t fit the way you just put it directly in the sentence)
The girl stands over him and water drips from her blue body onto his body.
Puts her beautiful blue face next to his face.
So lonely, she whispers.
The leaves are falling.
Gareth walks amongst the falling red leaves. (You’re repeating yourself)
Walks along the red rustling path with slow thoughtful steps. (It flows better without the excess words.)
The trees cast grey shadows(it should be shaodows not shadow) on the raining red.
At the end of the path Gareth sees a hooded figure dressed in black and
He stops.
The figure walks towards him with her “with her” disrupts the flow.
Black black cloak swirling through the red red leaves. (Too much repetition.)
Gareth stands on the path and watches the girl who steps through the red.
She reaches for him and pulls down her hood;(remove the and ,and use a punctuation mark) and her eyes bleed.
Gareth moans.
He stumbles backwards with each breath snagging in his throat.
Laces of red unfurl from beneath her lids and slip down her pale face.
The girl grabs him and pulls their bodies together.
Presses her bloodied red cheek to his cheek. You don’t need to put cheek; it throws of the flow of the poem.
We are so lonely, she whispers.
The night is still.
Gareth sits outside in the still black night. More repetition.
Sits in the silent black night gazing up at the stars.
The moon lays strips of silver on the black.
From behind Gareth hears a sigh and
He turns.
Sees the girl standing over him with silver tears in her black eyes.
The girl kneels and takes his face in her hands.
Gareth sits in the black night and watches the girl who kneels and cries.
She lays her long silver fingers on his eyes and slides the lids shut. Change this unless he put her fingers there.
Gareth gasps.
He feels himself leaving the garden behind.
They are gliding out of the garden and out of the still,(comma here) black night.
The girl pulls him up to the sky and beyond it.
Takes him out of this world and into another.
Now we will never be lonely, she whispers.
Wow.
All I can say, is, wow.
This was beautifully descriptive,
Hauntingly poignant.
Oh and by the way,
Happy Birthday.
Sarah
Love the imagery, love the story and love the entire piece. I had to read it a couple of times, just to make sure I didn't miss anything out. I'm a new member myself and can't wait to read more of your work.
Hopefully they all tell as much of a story as this one. Good writing, good work.
Welcome to YWS!
I have a few words to say; your poem is full of good imagery and it keeps the reader on the right track. I like it. I would also like to read more of your work too.
One more thing; do not repeat the same words in a stanza if unecessary. I can sometimes dull the poem slightly, but that's just me (I think).
Well, keep up the good work!
Cheers
HELLO,
First, I wanna say welcome! I see you are a New member. I hope you're following the 2:1 ratio. You know, the ratio that says for every 2 reviews you give, you get to post one piece.
I would like to welcome you to YWS.
Im am Tiffany and I guess Im the first person to reveiw your poem.
Just let me tell you it was great. lots of imagery, which is wonderful! Hopefully I'll be seeing more pieces from you.
But I do want to point out that (even though Im sure this is just a typo) is A suppose to be At?
Well hope to read some more of your work, which is awesome!
-Yours truely Tiffany