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by randy

Snow falls hard onto the cold ground on which a lone man lies down, waiting for death. It is so cold that his blood seems to freeze, no matter the amount of motion he attempts to make with each limb. He had stopped shivering long ago. He can feel every one of his muscles slowly contracting into a frozen state. He only has a few minutes until death finally reaches him. He has to beat death in order to live.

He makes more attempts to move his arms, legs, and head. He can feel his heart slowing. His breath freezes into flecks of ice above his mouth. His tears nearly freeze his eyes shut. The snow no longer melts once it touches his skin. He stops moving.

Concentrate on one finger. The index finger is the easiest to move. Feel your blood flow into it. It feels numb to him. Feel your life flowing through your muscles. He has barely any life left in him. Don't stop breathing. He has to force his lungs to work. Thought is the only thing that keeps you alive. He thinks to himself. I cannot be stopped. He lifts his arm.

Far outside of the man's mind, he hears a voice, "Finally you move." Although the man attempts to prevent himself from hearing the voice, it enters his mind. "You are too weak to fight me now. Too frail."

The man opens his mouth, but all that comes out is a remnant of whatever moisture he has left in his body.

"Don't try to speak. I can hear you."

Where are you?

"I am right behind you. If only you could see me now. However, your eyes seem to be frozen shut."

I can still see. Slowly, the man's vision fades to black. You bastard child of Evil!

"I can do worse, if you wish. I could take a leg, an arm...whatever appendage I desire, really. Ha! You can't stop me now! It has taken me eternity to reach this point! To make it here! To see you fall has been my vision since before time was ever a thought! To be here now..."

A question lingers on the man's mind; one that he doesn't want to ask. Why am I still alive?

The man feels the snow stop. The world glows red behind his eyelids. The air gets hot...very hot. So hot that all the snow within a few miles of the man melts away, leaving only sand and bare dirt. The voice enters his mind once more, "To witness this!" The world glows white behind his eyelids.

Screaming. An eternity of screaming. Torment in his mind. Pain all over. Flashes and flashes of time. Before now. After now. He's spinning into oblivion.

It stops.

The voice says, "You screamed. You're stronger than I thought." A rush of wind passes over the man, and the voice is gone.

I cannot be stopped.

So, I kinda rushed this, and I don't really know where to go with it. I think it's a little cliched at this point. Anyway, thanks for readin' it!

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Points: 790
Reviews: 2

Tue Jun 02, 2009 10:10 pm
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jocelyn wrote a review...

One, snow does not fall hard. Ever. Ice can fall hard. Not snow. Two. I really like that this is in the present tense. I love writing in the present tense. It makes everything so fresh, because it's in the present (duh) but also it is a style that not many writers use, so it's something new. Keep writing.

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123 Reviews

Points: 82
Reviews: 123

Mon Aug 11, 2008 6:33 pm
Lord Anzius wrote a review...

To be straight I'm not sure is that death. You have written that death will be there in a few minutes but when at last "the voice" speaks for the first time he says

"Finally you move."
. so it seems that "the voice" has been there for a very long time.

It also sounds like that they would have had a fight with each other.

Should you continue this story? = Yes

Should you edit this text? = yes (but only a little)

Would I read this book? = absolutely

The start is good, it's dramatic and gives the book a great feel. And I disagree with the person above, I would not even care if he turned into a villain. There are too many books that have good people that always win.

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Points: 1190
Reviews: 32

Tue Dec 21, 2004 4:45 am
J. Wilder wrote a review...

He had stopped shivering long ago.

This sentence is in past tense, whereas the rest is in present. Personally I think you should put the whole thing in past tense, because a lot of people dislike reading stories in present tense. Do you have a particular reason for writing it in present?

He has to beat death in order to live.

This sentence seems unnecessary.

The antagonist--"the voice"--seems unrealistically power-tripping and malicious. Make sure you have good motives in mind for him and make them clear later on in the story. Also make sure you give him some unique characteristics so he doesn't turn into a cliched villain.

This is mostly well-written, in my opinion. It does make the reader want to read more.

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221 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 221

Mon Dec 20, 2004 5:34 am
Elelel wrote a review...

Oh I like it! It is interesting! Editing is required though, I hate saying it too but *sigh* someone has to I suppose. You could descibe Death's voice, because it would surely sound like the essence of despair, or something or other, he is death after all.

Snow falls hard onto the cold ground on which a lone man lies down, waiting for death.

This sounds a little awkard, and needs changing, there are a few other stops like this, or that need some description.

Good luck with it! :D

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24 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 24

Sun Dec 19, 2004 6:20 pm
randy says...

Thanks! I just really wasn't sure if it was worth it to edit it before, but I definately will spend the next week or two doing that. It does need a lot of work. Thanks for your comments!

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Points: 890
Reviews: 37

Sun Dec 19, 2004 12:52 pm
mim wrote a review...

I like this. I take it that the voice is Death and that during one part the man is in Hell. I think this is very unusual and that it needs some work. I think that if you spent some more time on it and added some more details in it etc it could be an amazing piece of writing.
I hope you don't think I'm being nasty saying that but i think that this could be truly amazing if you altered it slightly. I would love to see it after you have, if you decide to, edited it.
Well done!

It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
— Mark Twain