Young Writers Society

Hello.

I might sound a little harsh, but I will try to be honest.

In general I liked your poem. It was emotive and descriptive, and the rhythm was smooth in most areas when read out loud.

However, there are some things that you could look at.

To the wonderful soul you would no doubt be

I find this jars a little, and although grammar is not my strong point, it doesn't sound right. Perhaps you could change it to: 'To the wonderful soul you would have no doubt been'. This also clears up the clash of the two lines ending in 'be'.

I'm sorry you never got the chance to really be

This seems to have the same meaning as the last line. I think this is the most important and profound line in the poem, which summarises the rest and as such should go at the end. I would either cut out the third line or replace it.

And since this is such a key line, it should be emphasized more. The two best ways of doing this are by slowing it down with punctuation, alliteration or a list, and by rhyming it with an earlier line. These are some of the rhyming words I could think of that you might like to use: chances missed, twist, kissed, fist... And many more - it's up to you, of course.

Also, although you start off with a good meter, you lose it after the fourth line. Try playing around with syllable counts.

But despite being mostly critical (I presume you are interested in improvements more than flattery), this poem definitely has a message to get across, which it does well, and I like the idea behind it, which I think is about, as has been said, the loss and grief experienced by the twin that survived. Am I right?

Thank you for writing this poem. May it soon be joined by others.

GusG.