Bouncing through the hallways
and skipping down the street.
Talking, giggling, and greeting,
a radiant smile on her face
she glows with life's excitement.
Behind the shining girl,
three friends,
dark shadows in her presence
who squint against the glare.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
It's a nice little snippet, but it's lacking.
I think you should develop this more. As it is, the reader is simply left with a puzzled smile. The girl in the poem sounds like she's enjoying herself. But who is she? Who is the narrator? Why are we being shown this particular moment?
It needs more context and more substance.
Cheers,
~bubbles
At the moment this is a bit of a list. It's a nice idea, to show how one girl shadows her friends but I think you need to expand it. Some physical description tied in with her exuberant nature would be good and then try to add some of the emotions involved. Do her friends feel inspired and awed looking up at her or are they jealous? Are they tired of walking in her shadow? And maybe work a story into it; some sort of narration rather than just describing some rather vague personas.
Perhaps you could re-write it from the point of view of one of her friends? That might be interesting. And add some really vivid imagery.
Generally, what you have is a good theme and a few reasonable but slightly bland lines. I think it has a lot of potential but you need to take another look at it and think about poetic techniques. If you do a re-write and want someone to take a look at it, feel free to pm me. Hope this helps a little,
Heather xx