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Entropy - Chapter Two

by raindrops


Red.

In every birth that's the first color I recognize. Not a white light or an empty darkness. I see flowing colors of red.

Her lips, her hair, her fingernails, and her favorite dresses. Even the surroundings is brimming with colors of red. The couch and curtains, the linings of the cabinets and walls, the flowers in the table vase, they are all shades of red, be it vibrant or dull. Everything is almost red, but not our carpets. They are a snowy white color and have a fur texture. They easily get stained. I once remember her brushing hard on these cloths to remove the stains, saying it's necessary to hide the flaw.

It's from her that I got my features. My hair, face shape, nose, lips, and even the tone of our skin are similar, but the color of our eyes couldn't be more different.

Separated by a glass wall, I look at her, however I knew she sees me not. Her figure so thin, that she must have lost pounds of weight. Her soft lips now chapped and dry. Her eyes deep and dark. And her face appearing dry and skeletal.

"Hi mom." I try talking to her through the small microphone I nervously held, but once more disappointment sinks to my gut, for like the past several lifetimes she gives me not one response.

The first me, whom I refer to as the original, cried. The original cried for the pitiful state of her beloved mother. Then the second was angry, yelling at her, cursing her, begging for her to speak, to have some reaction towards her presence. Over and over, I did various ways to attract her attention. Now, I have lost count of the number of me's. Am I still the 8th? 13th? Or have I reached the 20th? Too many memories are jumbled together, sometimes even my dreams are a lifetime themselves. Yet no matter how I twist each life, I don't get any closer to this stranger.


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Tue Jan 26, 2021 2:16 am
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whatchamacallit wrote a review...



Hi raindrops! I'm here for another review for you ^^

I think in my first review I made a note about the narrator "not sounding like a newborn baby", and I was honestly wondering how you were going to narrate them being born / being a baby. But I see you decided to go with them narrating like an adult who's been through the experience many times, and I think that was a good choice - it would certainly be really difficult to narrate through the perspective of a baby or even a toddler xD

My hair, face shape, nose, lips, and even the tone of our skin are similar, but the color of our eyes couldn't be more different.
Because you change thoughts so suddenly here, I think it'd be nice to reflect that in the flow; changing the bolded section to something like "similar - though the color..." would work well.

Her soft lips now chapped and dry. Her eyes deep and dark. And her face appearing dry and skeletal.
Super minor nitpick, but you repeat "dry" as a description here twice. "chapped and peeling" could eliminate that repetition and keep the same meaning!

Over and over, I did various ways to attract her attention.
Did feels a bit awkward here? I think something along the lines of "tried" would feel more natural.

Yet no matter how I twist each life, I don't get any closer to this stranger.
Ooh I really like how you describe this! Very poetic <3

I really enjoyed your use of repeated sentence structure in the final paragraph - it adds to the sense of hopelessness and exasperation being conveyed by the narrator! I think the entire paragraph is a good way to indulge the reader's curiosity but leave them with enough questions to want to carry on to the next part, too! And the final sentence is another great cliffhanger.

All in all, this was another strong part! I'm sorry this review's a bit on the short side; this chapter's a bit on the shorter side, too, and I honestly don't have any huge critiques for it c: I hope this proves helpful, at any rate, and if you've got any questions let me know!

Keep writing c:

whatcha




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Fri Jan 22, 2021 9:20 pm
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ShadowVyper wrote a review...



Hey raindrops,

Shady back for another requested-review! Let's get started...

Red.

In every birth that's the first color I recognize. Not a white light or an empty darkness. I see flowing colors of red.


I really like this opening! Again, it is intriguing and makes me curious to read on and understand more about what your narrator is experiencing. I think you are definitely talented at "hooks" that draw me into the story right away at the start of each chapter and entice me to keep reading. Great job with that!!

"Hi mom." I try talking to her through the small microphone I nervously held, but once more disappointment sinks to my gut, for like the past several lifetimes she gives me not one response


It's not really clear to me why this section is bolded? That's really not necessary. I know that this is the first bit of dialogue that you have but the quotation marks are adequate to designate to us that this is a speaking role, so we don't need for it to be bolded.

Also, a bit of a grammar nitpick, it should be capitalized "Mom" since this becomes a proper noun when it's assigned as a name of someone. Like:

"I saw my mom." Is just a common noun and doesn't need to be capitalized because it's referring to a general thing.

"Hi Mom!" Is basically the equivalent of going "Hi Susan!" Because "Mom" is the name that we use to refer to our moms, so when you're using it directly like this it should be capitalized.

for like the past several lifetimes she gives me not one response.


O o f, a lot of emotion wrapped up into this single statement <3

~ ~ ~

I really like this intrigue that you're adding to the story! You've clearly got a really strong, interesting premise. It's definitely making me want to read on to understand your fascinating narrator and the concept of what's going on. I like how you're making it more emotional, too, so we can make that closer connection with the narrator. I'm starting to care about your character which is an important part of building a story so great job there!

Great job!

~Shady




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Thu Jan 21, 2021 1:02 am
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Honora says...



Hey Rain! I’m back ;) I again read the two reviews and the second one was in line with my thoughts so read that and that’s what I think XD I feel lazy but why repeat the same things?

This chapter is just as good as the last. Just reading it I can feel the very morose character you have chosen to put on display for your readers. I can feel the darkness and the despair that he/she must be feeling. (Still don’t know if it’s a boy or girl...my only complaint ;))

I’m starting to wonder what will happen next. You’ve given your readers quite the setting and now I want action! I do love the way you describe things. It’s really intriguing. Somehow, even the flow of your words enhance the desperation of your character. Awesome!

Keep up the good work! :)
Honora




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Tue Jan 19, 2021 12:51 pm
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HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to review the second chapter as I promised in the previous review. Let's where this takes us.

First Impression: Hmm...well this is a great second chapter, I think it continues to build on the premise from the first one quite well and established something that our protagonist is fighting for so its doing quite well.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Red.

In every birth that's the first color I recognize. Not a white light or an empty darkness. I see flowing colors of red.


That is interesting to stay the least, I wonder if perhaps there's some imagery or symbolism there with the color red replacing white what with the two colors often representing some rather opposite things.

Her lips, her hair, her fingernails, and her favorite dresses. Even the surroundings is brimming with colors of red. The couch and curtains, the linings of the cabinets and walls, the flowers in the table vase, they are all shades of red, be it vibrant or dull. Everything is almost red, but not our carpets. They are a snowy white color and have a fur texture. They easily get stained. I once remember her brushing hard on these cloth to remove the stains, saying it's necessary to cover up the mistake.


Well...that's an interesting bit of decor for sure, definitely is telling us quite a few things but well let's see what exactly is meant to happen from here onwards. These details, especially that last line feels like its going to be fairly important going forward.

It's from her that I got my features. My hair, the shape of my face, nose and lips, even the tone of our skin are similar, but not the color of our eyes. Her eyes are green. Muddy dark green that once looked as clear as the spring, but mine are a chocolate shade of brown.


Well that is a clever way to describe both the characters to us. Its not obvious that we're being given a description and it flows smoothly enough.

Separated by a glass wall, I look at her, however I knew she sees me not. Her figure so thin, that she must have lost pounds of weight. Her soft lips now chapped and dry. Her eyes deep and dark. And her face appearing dry and skeletal.


Oh dear, that certainly does not bode well for our protagonist, I have a feeling this is someone who's down with some pretty bad illness.

"Hi mom." I try talking to her through the small microphone I nervously held, but once more disappointment sinks to my gut, for like the past several lifetimes she gives me not one response.


Yup, that's what I feared, well there's another excellent point to get your readers hooked. Good job.

The first me, whom I refer to as the original, cried. The original cried for the pitiful state of her beloved mother. Then the second was angry, yelling at her, cursing her, begging for her to speak, to have some reaction towards her presence. Over and over, I did various ways to attract her attention. Now, I have lost count of the number of me's. Am I still the 8th? 13th? or have I reached the 20th. Too many memories are jumbled together, sometimes even my dreams are a lifetime themselves. Yet no matter how I twist each life, I don't get any closer to this stranger.


The situation gets worse...oh I definitely will be on the lockout for later chapters of this story. This has intrigued me quite a bit.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall I think this is so far a pretty cool story. I'll definitely read more if you post it. I do hope Chapter 3 gets some events underway because the story does seem a little stagnant so far but that's not a concern for now so just keep that in mind.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Mon Jan 18, 2021 4:34 pm
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Yoshikrab wrote a review...



Wow! Very intriguing story!

Red.

In every birth that's the first color I recognize. Not a white light or an empty darkness. I see flowing colors of red.


This intro is spot-on! Great job! You are giving a perfect introduction to the chapter.

Her lips, her hair, her fingernails, and her favorite dresses. Even the surroundings is brimming with colors of red. The couch and curtains, the linings of the cabinets and walls, the flowers in the table vase, they are all shades of red, be it vibrant or dull. Everything is almost red, but not our carpets. They are a snowy white color and have a fur texture. They easily get stained. I once remember her brushing hard on these cloth to remove the stains, saying it's necessary to cover up the mistake.


Although I really want to say this is too "Purple Prose" and wordy, it's very nice and I don't want to change it. The only thing I want to say is that don't use this kind of paragraph to many times or the reader will become disinterested.

It's from her that I got my features. My hair, the shape of my face, nose and lips, even the tone of our skin are similar, but not the color of our eyes. Her eyes are green. Muddy dark green that once looked as clear as the spring, but mine are a chocolate shade of brown.


And there is our issue. You already made a pretty descriptive paragraph, so adding this would make everything too wordy. Try simplifying it to something like: "My features were received from her; my hair, face, nose, lips, and even my skin tone are the same. But our eyes couldn't be more different." If it is ABSOLUTELY necessary to add the specific color of the eyes, then do it, but I wouldn't.

Am I still the 8th? 13th? or have I reached the 20th.


There should be a question mark of "20th" instead of a period.

Yet no matter how I twist each life, I don't get any closer to this stranger.


You know what I decided you're good at? Cliff-hangers. You are perfect when giving cliff-hangers. They're not too vague that it will leave the reader angry, and they're not too informative that the reader has nothing to look forward to. Your cliff-hangers are spot-on, just like your intros. All I want to really say is that you don't need to separate all of these passages with "Chapter 1" and "Chapter 2". This could all just be one chapter, if you get what I mean.

Anyways, great work! I hope you were satisfied with this review as much as I was satisfied with your story!

Remember the Alamo. Remember Goliad. Remember Fireworks.

-y0shi




raindrops says...


Thanks again y0shi!

Your insight on the 4th paragraph was very useful and helped me improve what I have written. I'll also keep in mind my use of purple proses (as I tend to use it from time to time). As for the merging of Chapters 1 & 2, it did made me think, but am still debating over it. Although I admit it's a problem of mine that I write short chapters.



Yoshikrab says...


You're welcome! Remember that the reviews are supposed to be suggestions and you don't have to listen to everything I have to say. Nevertheless, I appreciate you considering my opinions.




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