Entropy - Chapter One • Young Writers Society

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Entropy - Chapter One

January 17, 2021
Novel / Chapter: Mystery / Suspense, Fantasy
6 comments (6 reviews)

Feeling the harsh wind on my tanned skin, the flying dust that enters my eyes, the flapping of soft water touching my feet, and the smell of salty air. This state is what I have awoken.

Today, I shall live again. Become new again. For the nth time, I shall be reborn. I wonder what I shall do next. Should I remain the introvert smart kid? Or test my luck in another sports? I should have tried swimming, then maybe I have had escaped.

I'm tired. Tired of repeating multiple timelines I've been trough over and over again. Tired of trying to find a solution to get away from the misery of this loophole. I can almost predict certain people's actions towards me, and have memorized many of the hateful words they have said, before and after my death. I even once chose to live my life in the most perfect manner it can be. But even that is not enough to keep me alive.

In the morning of April 3rd year 2002 I was born as the only child of my father's second wife. An infant brought to the world with hopes and joy. Although to my brother's discerning eyes I rather looked like a wrinkled small monkey but lacks the tail and fur. Alas, twenty-six years later I will die. Always at the same day and time, exactly at 6:37 in the morning. And in every death it is always a crime scene.

I have lost count of the times I've witnessed blood to be splattered and bodies to go limp and lifeless. Some deaths had been intentionally inflicted through suicide, but most of the time it is guised as an accident of an outright murder.

However, I am not the victim.

Somehow in every lifetime I end up killing three people including myself. But I solemnly swear to each grave of mine. I am not the murderer.

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Tue Jan 26, 2021 7:52 am

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ChrisCalaid wrote a review...

Hello there! I'm here as requested. But just before that, I just want to say that I enjoyed reading this story and I was very intrigued by both the title and the story. I love how it's written in a clear understandable way yet so mysterious and interesting.
I haven't read any of the reviews below and I might repeat some of what they said. Plz understand that it's just all suggestion and you are free to bring it aboard or not.

REVIEW!

Should I remain the introvert smart kid?

I understand what you mean by "introvert smart kid?" but I suggest you say "introverted smart kid?"
He's not an introvert right now according to the context, he might have been introverted and the fact he thinks about these things might mean he is introverted. However, there isn't an intro or a prologue about him. Although you said "remain" which gives us the clue he was and might still be a introvert I suggest you change it. *Feel free to ignore the suggestion.*

Or test my luck in another sports?

By "another sport" do you mean "another sport"? Or maybe "other sports"?.

I've been trough over and over again.

Do you mean "through" not "trough"?

Tired of trying to find a solution to get away from the misery of this loophole.

You just said "tired" one sentence before. How about you use the synonym of tired, such as "worn out" or "weary"?

In the morning of April 3rd year 2002 I was born as the only child of my father's second wife.

I suggest you say "On the morning of April", you can't be in the morning, can you? Or is it because you are in a loophole?

I also suggest you use a comma after "In the morning of April 3d year 2002".

For the nth time, I shall be reborn.

By "nth time" do you mean "ninth time" or is it unknown?

And in every death it is always a crime scene.

I suggest you use a comma after "And in every death".

Some deaths had been intentionally inflicted through suicide, but most of the time it is guised as an accident of an outright murder.
However, I am not the victim.

You don't need to say "an" before "outright murder" if you don't want to.

Somehow in every lifetime I end up killing three people including myself. But I solemnly swear to each grave of mine. I am not the murderer.

I suggest you use a comma after "Somehow in every lifetime" since it is an introductory phrase. I liked the ending and the psychopathic air about this story. Time to end this long review!

Thank you for the request and for sharing this wonderful story!
I hope you have a good day and you keep on writing no matter what!

Chris

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Sun Jan 24, 2021 12:24 am

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whatchamacallit wrote a review...

Hi there raindrops! Thank you for requesting some reviews in my thread - I can't wait to dive into your story!

You've already got quite a few wonderful reviews, so I'll try not to be too repetitive in mine ^^

The premise of this story so far reminds me a bit of Groundhog Day! I've never actually watched it, but from what I've heard, it's about a guy who gets stuck living the same day over and over again until he makes all the right choices. Not exactly the same as this story, obviously, but it's still got a similar time-loop concept going on. Definitely a very intriguing and interesting premise!

I do have to admit, I'm a bit confused by the opening? Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy the descriptions ("flapping of soft water" is so poetic!), and it's definitely always nice to start a story with a slight ~air of mystery~. However once I get further in, and discover the narrator is living their 26-year life in repeat, I don't fully understand how the opening fits into the timeline of the story. For example, the narrator says that today is the day they'll be "reborn", but it certainly doesn't sound like they're a new-born baby talking. Which I presume means that today is the day they'll die and then consequently become reborn? If that's the case, I'd try adding that info into the second paragraph - even just something like "Today, I shall be killed and then start over again" would clear that up a little.

(I should note, it's possible that I'm just missing something obvious / it's just a me thing, and if that's the case, feel free to ignore what I've said!)

Grammar nitpicks aren't super fun or interesting, and don't really reflect the actual quality of the story (you can have a great story with a couple of typos, after all!), so I've put them in the spoiler below just to keep them out of the way ;)

Spoiler! :

I do like how intriguing this opening chapter is! It leaves me with a lot of questions - how did the narrator get trapped in the loop? why do they keep killing people? why do they keep getting killed? - and I'm super interested to see how the story progresses in Chapter Two. I love the premise of the story; time travel & time loops can make for really cool, mind-bending novels. I agree with Shady, too, that the ending paragraph is a great cliffhanger! All in all, this was an enjoyable read and I can't wait to pop over to the next chapter tomorrow ^^ I hope this review is helpful, and if you have any questions about it feel free to ask.

Keep writing!

whatcha

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Fri Jan 22, 2021 9:35 am

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ShadowVyper wrote a review...

Hey raindrops,

Thanks so much for requesting reviews! I'm excited to read your story! Let's get started...

Feeling the harsh wind on my tanned skin, the flying dust that enters my eyes, the flapping of soft water touching my feet, and the smell of salty air. This state is what I have awoken.

I really like the mystery you open this story with! It instantly makes me want to know more about the narrator and how they've managed to get themselves in this situation. And what, exactly, the situation is. We're just as confused about it right now as the narrator is!

One suggestion I have for you would be to slow this opening paragraph down a bit. Readers generally have a very limited number of things we can keep in our short term memory. If you crowd that then we start forgetting things quickly and feel overwhelmed.

To help this, sometimes short sentences with more description works well. For example, consider something like:

The wind was harsh against my sun-worn skin. My eyes felt like they themselves were made of the dust that relentlessly assaulted them. I could feel warm water softly lapping against my feet and breathed in salty air when I took a deep breath.

You see what I've done there? By breaking it up into shorter sentences it's easier for readers to process and understand what's happening. It also makes each statement hit a bit harder. Instead of having this and this and this and this happening all at once, we can process with the narrator, one by one, all the things that they're sensing just then.

After this, you sort of do an info-dump. What that means is you give a lot of backstory that is important and valuable, but you "tell" us instead of "showing" us. Our goal as writers is to guide readers towards the story we want to tell, but we have to learn how to do it gradually. For example, you could show some of your character's personality through their thoughts as they process what was happening.

Did they stand up and huffily stomp through the sand? Did they stay laying on the beach lamenting their life? Did they slowly push themselves up and stumble towards a nearby tree? Were they confused? Angry? Sad? Emotionless?

You can use actions to slowly introduce all of this backstory. For example:

I push myself to my feet with a heavy sigh. Alive. Again. Wonderful. I sigh again as I stagger towards the bench sitting a few meters ahead of me. And what are we going to be this time? I flop down on the bench with an angry hmph. Clearly, being an introverted smart-kid hadn't worked out so well for me. Maybe I'd try being an athlete during this lifetime. I should have tried swimming; then maybe I would have escaped.

This is fully just an example, not something I'm actually suggesting you take for your second paragraph, but do you see what I mean? This works in important info that 1) this is a rebirth, 2) it's happened before, and 3) the narrator is annoyed about it happening again. Adding in these actions is a way that we can use to weave the story together and let the readers get a bit of a better idea of what's happening and what our character is like, without having to explicitly just write out all the backstory.

You could even have the narrator sarcastically throw in bits of the backstory about being born and then dying. This article, Show and Tell explains nicely what I'm trying to say about "showing" us the story instead of just telling us the backstory.

Also, just a quick note, I was born in 1995 and am only 25 lol so unless this story is set in the future your narrator couldn't be 26 if they were born in 2002 lol. So maybe make it a bit clearer what year you've set this story in? Or choose a date that's dramatically before now? Because as it is, confuses me a bit.

Overall, I do think this is a good story, though! You have a strong hook at the start, making me curious about your narrator and what situation they've managed to get themselves in. And then your premise seems really interesting, too! I always love a good rebirth story, and it sounds like you've got a particularly fascinating twist to it, too!

Somehow in every lifetime I end up killing three people including myself. But I solemnly swear to each grave of mine. I am not the murderer.

This final paragraph, in particular, really piqued my interest. That's a very specific number of people to kill. It's a fascinating claim that they're not a murderer if they know that they do in fact murder two people before they die each time.

I'm really interested to see what chapter two holds!

Hope this helped!

~Shady

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Thu Jan 21, 2021 12:42 am

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Honora wrote a review...

Hey Rain! I read the two previous reviews and everything I noticed that could have been pointed out are already there so just stick with what they say. This is awesome because that means I get to be the good guy!

Just saying, this is amazing! The loophole concept is so riveting and even in such a short work, you’ve managed to give your reader a clear idea of what the book will be about. What’s even more awesome, is that yo did it in a really well written way because I didn’t feel overwhelmed by any information and really just want to know what you are going to do with such an incredible idea.

Looking forward to you next chapters!

Keep on writing!
Honora

raindrops says...

Thanks for this review. I hope I can keep you entertained.

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Mon Jan 18, 2021 2:40 pm

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Yoshikrab wrote a review...

Hi @raindrops! I'm Yoshi and I'm here for a review!

First off, this is a pretty engaging start! I love it! Let's get started with the review then, shall we?

Feeling the harsh wind in my tanned skin,

You start off with a very nice descriptive phrase, but you messed up a little bit right here.

How does the harsh wind go "in" the skin? I think you meant "on".

Feeling the harsh wind in my tanned skin, the flying dust that enters my eyes, the flapping of soft water touching my feet, and the smell of salty air. This distant memory is what my body long for.

First off, great start! You easily tell the reader more about a setting. However, what I don't understand is the last sentence. Does the last sentence mean that the first sentence is actually just a memory? If so, that isn't the best idea. It's best to start off with something concrete instead of abstract.

Also, "long" should be "longs".

Today, I shall live again. Become new again. For the nth time, I shall be reborn. I wonder what I shall do next. Should I remain to be the introvert smart kid? Or test my luck in another sports? I might try bowling, but the unknown consequence of playing it frightens me.

Good, you establish your narrating style and you give some information on how this character thinks. Great job! Some places to fix is "nth" should be "ninth"; and you should remove the "to be" in the fifth sentence.

I'm tired. Tired of repeating multiple timelines I've been trough over and over again. Tired of trying to find a solution to get away from the misery of this loophole. I can almost predict certain people's actions towards me, and have memorized many of the hateful words they have said, before and after my death. I even once chose to live my life in the most perfect manner it can be. But even that is not enough to keep me alive.

Awesome! One thing I like about your writing style is that you give out information at the correct speed. Not too fast, not too slow. You give some information in a very natural way and I love it!

In the morning of April 3rd year 2002 I was born. Twenty-six years later I will die. Always at the same day and time, exactly at 6:37 in the morning. And in every death it is always a crime scene. But I'm not the victim. Somehow in every lifetime I end up killing three people including myself. But I solemnly swear to each grave of mine. I am not the killer.

You end this very nicely. Great job! One thing to say though, you could have elongated this paragraph into multiple paragraphs so that the information is given out slower. The paragraph before this is nice because it gives out some information but not all and also contains some pointless information. This paragraph, however, gives way too much information. I suggest placing pointless information between each sentence and seperating this into many paragraphs. That would help a lot. The last thing you want is a confused, overloaded reader.

Anyways, I hope you were satisfied with this review! Great work!

Remember the Alamo. Remember Goliad. Remember Fireworks.

-y0shi

raindrops says...

Thank you so much for these insights, I really appreciate your feedbacks.

Yoshikrab says...

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Mon Jan 18, 2021 1:35 pm

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HarryHardy wrote a review...

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review on this piece!!

First Impression: So this was a really interesting chapter one, its actually short and mysterious enough to serve a pretty effective prologue to be honest because do come away with a rather small amount of information about our protagonist and not to much about where he is and what he usually does but we do get introduced to a really interesting concept.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Feeling the harsh wind in my tanned skin, the flying dust that enters my eyes, the flapping of soft water touching my feet, and the smell of salty air. This distant memory is what my body long for.

Okay...well an interesting start to a scene to be sure. It does set a sort of well setting which is helpful and does establish a view of what's going on which is good. As far as getting a reader's attention, that last line does work quite well so good opening paragraph I think.

Today, I shall live again. Become new again. For the nth time, I shall be reborn. I wonder what I shall do next. Should I remain to be the introvert smart kid? Or test my luck in another sports? I might try bowling, but the unknown consequence of playing it frightens me.

Well that was far more mathematical than I was expecting but I am loving it so far as a big fan of Mathematics. This reminds me of something someone like Sheldon would say but then it is pretty interesting so I think its a pretty unique but fun paragraph there.

I'm tired. Tired of repeating multiple timelines I've been trough over and over again. Tired of trying to find a solution to get away from the misery of this loophole. I can almost predict certain people's actions towards me, and have memorized many of the hateful words they have said, before and after my death. I even once chose to live my life in the most perfect manner it can be. But even that is not enough to keep me alive.

Whoa that seems like a pretty cool premise because if I'm not mistaken we are dealing with some sort of time loop situation here aren't we? And somehow this person is trying to live himself a perfect life to escape said loop?

In the morning of April 3rd year 2002 I was born. Twenty-six years later I will die. Always at the same day and time, exactly at 6:37 in the morning. And in every death it is always a crime scene. But I'm not the victim. Somehow in every lifetime I end up killing three people including myself. But I solemnly swear to each grave of mine. I am not the killer.

Okay...now that sounds like the most epic blurb ever and possible an amazing end to a prologue or cold open but it works out okay at the end of the first chapter, if sounding a little too snappy. But on the bright side I am definitely intrigued enough to read more chapters now so expect a review on those soon.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall I think this a solid first chapter, and it does its job pretty well for the most part. I would have appreciated maybe a couple of more details but as someone who writes very vague first chapters that's probably hypocritical. And as something to get a reader hooked, it does a wonderful job.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

raindrops says...

Thanks so much for this review. As this is my first work here in YWS, I am nervous if it'd be even noticed. And to find others appreciate it (well) makes me feel great and be a little more confident. Again, thanks so much.

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Entropy - Chapter One

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