Young Writers Society

Hi raindrops,

Mailice again here with another short review!

This was definitely a difference between the previous chapters. I found it a nice change in structure and how for the first time there is more dialogue in the text.

I assume that the dialogues in bold mean that the narrator has already recited them in the last life and remembers them. I think this is a good idea and I think it can also lead to interesting moments in future chapters when there is a sudden switch between bold and non-bold to show a break.

What I also liked is that in this chapter we finally get the name of the narrator and I have to honestly admit that I'm surprised that it's a woman. I had kind of assumed the whole time that it could be a man. We also received another interesting piece of information, namely that Juliana received a letter from Alec. But who is Alec? In a good way you have introduced a new character and also a motivation to look for this person, to have something to do with him.

I found the scene at the beginning creepy but good. There must be a lot of shock behind the fact that the mother no longer speaks to her own child or is speechless for what has happened. I thought that was a good build-up.

Here again I liked how you created the transition to jump back and forth. That wasn't so given in the last chapter, but came across really convincingly here.

April 3rd, 2018. 6:40 am

Contradictory to a popular belief of your life passing through your eyes before death, mine just all went black. As a common saying goes, one must always prepare to expect the unexpected. 

Hi there raindrops! I'm here for one last review for you ^^

I'm starting to think I was wrong about the narrator currently being a newborn baby? Because last I checked newborn babies aren't capable of small-talk about the weather haha. I think it might be a me-thing, since none of your other reviewers seem confused, but I literally have no idea how old the narrator is at this point?? I think it'd be great if you could clarify that a bit - whether they're a baby, a toddler, a child, a teen, etc. - because even if I'm just missing something, it's entirely possible that another reader might also miss that something well reading through :D

The next line of words would be "I received a letter from Alec.", but it did not come out of my lips. Not this time.

April 3rd, 2028. 6:34 am

Contradictory to a popular belief of your life passing through your eyes before death, mine just all went black. As a common saying goes, one must always prepare to expect the unexpected.

This has never happened before. A deviation of other people's actions from the original timeline so early from when I came back! Something changed. Something happened before I died and came back. An information I cannot put my mind on. But I know I knew it. Think Juliana, what were Alec's last words?

Heya again raindrops,

Shady back for your last requested review! Thanks again for requesting And feel free to keep me updated as you post new installments of this story if you'd like to ^-^ I'm enjoying it so far!

"Hi mom."

To say I can hear the crickets deep into this building of thick walls is an overstatement but her silence remains disturbing.

"It's my birthday, mama." Yes, this situation is what I always come back to after death.

"The sun shines bright outside today." That's a lie, an attempt the original said to brighten the dim atmosphere.

"And the moon was especially beautiful last night." It wasn't. A rainstorm passed our town last night, leaving devastated homes, including ours. The next line of words would be "I received a letter from Alec.", but it did not come out of my lips. Not this time.

I don't want to die. I don't want to die anymore.

But as her daughter, I felt her anxiety.

Think Juliana, what were Alec's last words?

OKAY I am HERE!

Shall we begin?

To say I can hear the crickets deep into this building of thick walls is an overstatement but her silence remains disturbing.

As much as I am in anger of these countless loops of life, it's a lie to say I wasn't afraid to loose my life. Even if one could say I'm already a veteran in dying, the process itself continuously haunts my being. I don't want to die. I don't want to die anymore.

April 3rd, 2028. 6:34 am

I heard the last morning cry of a rooster. Saw an army of red ants sprawled on a decaying body of a wild rat. And then I drowned.

Contradictory to a popular belief of your life passing through your eyes before death, mine just all went black. As a common saying goes, one must always prepare to expect the unexpected.

Contradictory to a popular belief of your life passing through your eyes before death, mine just went all black. As another popular belief goes, one must always prepare to expect the unexpected

But as her daughter, I felt her anxiety.

This has never happened before. A deviation of other people's actions from the original timeline so early from when I came back! Something changed. Something happened before I died and came back. An information I cannot put my mind on. But I know I knew it. Think Juliana, what were Alec's last words?

Hey rain! I'm back again this time, I'll give you a real review instead of being lazy

Keeping proper posture, but undoubtedly scared as the time ticks by, and relieved that no other person was around.
Here, I found the third piece a little out of place following the first two. Maybe make it it's own sentence? With a few words added so it's not so short?

...mine just all went black.
I think it would flow easier if you switched the words all and went around. Probably just a typo error

Okay so I found myself a little confused in this chapter. The beginning was fine but towards the second half, I couldn't quite grasp the situation. With the continuous talk with her mother and her weakened state, I'm wondering...is she still alive? In the afterlife? What? Maybe I'm jumping the gun with questions and information but I find it a little puzzling.
The last paragraph had me confused the most. I understand that something changed but....something changed where? In the real world? In her own self? I think that last paragraph could use some more clear information. The last three chapters have been such a riddle which is amazing but I think something concrete is in order for your reader to hold onto. Make sense?

Anyways, I really enjoyed this just like the last two chapters. Although I was a bit confused, I can still feel the plot thickening and this change could be interesting. I also want to know more about this Alec character...he sounds like he'll be a crucial point in your plot and I'm interested to see what he'll bring to it. It's a whole lot of suspense you've built in your work so awesome job! It's not something everyone can do and you've definitely got the talent for it!

Keep up the good work!
Honora

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to review the third part...let's see where we've gotten now.

First Impression: Okay...looks like the plot is getting a move on in this chapter. There's a difference in this loop and our conflict has been introduced. We also learn a lot about or protagonist here also a good thing. Let's see how it does in line by line.

Anyway let's get right to it,

"Hi mom."

To say I can hear the crickets deep into this building of thick walls is an overstatement but her silence remains disturbing.

"It's my birthday, mama." Yes, this situation is what I always come back to after death.

"The sun shines bright outside today." That's a lie, an attempt the original said to brighten the dim atmosphere.

"And the moon was especially beautiful last night." It wasn't. A rainstorm passed our town last night, leaving devastated homes, including ours. The next line of words would be "I received a letter from Alec.", but it did not come out of my lips. Not this time.

Still baffled with how I died, I remained seated, staring ahead but not exactly looking for anything. This time there were no spilled blood.

The memory I am able to recall suggests that I was alone in my grandparents empty farmland, expecting death to visit me at the right time, with the right bargain in hand. Keeping proper posture, but undoubtedly scared as the time ticks by, and relieved that no other person was around.

As much as I am in anger of these countless loops of life, it's a lie to say I wasn't afraid to loose my life. Even if one could say I'm already a veteran in dying, the process itself continuously haunts my being. I don't want to die. I don't want to die anymore.

I heard the last morning cry of a rooster. Saw an army of red ants sprawled on a decaying body of a wild rat. And then I drowned.

As far as I can recall, the only water source was a huge blue drum that is three-fourths of my height. My memory is still a blur as I have barely recovered from shock but the torturous feeling of water quickly entering my mouth and nose, and subsequently my lungs, still lingers. How could I have known, that the only thing more unpleasant than running out of air is breathing water.

Contradictory to a popular belief of your life passing through your eyes before death, mine just all went black. As a common saying goes, one must always prepare to expect the unexpected.

In my blank stare I noticed the subtle tapping of her left foot on the floor. My mother was a disciplined and graceful woman that even in her weakened state such body reflexes cannot be noticed by many. But as her daughter, I felt her anxiety.

This has never happened before. A deviation of other people's actions from the original timeline so early from when I came back! Something changed. Something happened before I died and came back. An information I cannot put my mind on. But I know I knew it. Think Juliana, what were Alec's last words?

Hey I'll review this as fast as possible today is my mid-terms day so I'm mostly going to be working, alright?