Entropy - Chapter Three • Young Writers Society

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Entropy - Chapter Three

January 20, 2021
Novel / Chapter: Mystery / Suspense, Fantasy
6 comments (5 reviews)

"Hi mom."

To say I can hear the crickets deep into this building of thick walls is an overstatement but her silence remains disturbing.

"It's my birthday, mama." Yes, this situation is what I always come back to after death.

"The sun shines bright outside today." That's a lie, an attempt the original said to brighten the dim atmosphere.

"And the moon was especially beautiful last night." It wasn't. A rainstorm passed our town last night, leaving devastated homes, including ours. The next line of words would be "I received a letter from Alec.", but it did not come out of my lips. Not this time.

Still baffled with how I died, I remained seated, staring ahead but not exactly looking for anything. This time there were no spilled blood.

The memory I am able to recall suggests that I was alone in my grandparents empty farmland, expecting death to visit me at the right time, with the right bargain in hand. Keeping proper posture, but undoubtedly scared as the time ticks by, and relieved that no other person was around.

As much as I am in anger of these countless loops of life, it's a lie to say I wasn't afraid to loose my life. Even if one could say I'm already a veteran in dying, the process itself continuously haunts my being. I don't want to die. I don't want to die anymore.

April 3rd, 2028. 6:34 am

I heard the last morning cry of a rooster. Saw an army of red ants sprawled on a decaying body of a wild rat. And then I drowned.

April 3rd, 2018. 6:40 am

As far as I can recall, the only water source was a huge blue drum that is three-fourths of my height. My memory is still a blur as I have barely recovered from shock but the torturous feeling of water quickly entering my mouth and nose, and subsequently my lungs, still lingers. How could I have known, that the only thing more unpleasant than running out of air is breathing water.

Contradictory to a popular belief of your life passing through your eyes before death, mine just all went black. As a common saying goes, one must always prepare to expect the unexpected.

In my blank stare I noticed the subtle tapping of her left foot on the floor. My mother was a disciplined and graceful woman that even in her weakened state such body reflexes cannot be noticed by many. But as her daughter, I felt her anxiety.

This has never happened before. A deviation of other people's actions from the original timeline so early from when I came back! Something changed. Something happened before I died and came back. An information I cannot put my mind on. But I know I knew it. Think Juliana, what were Alec's last words?

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Wed Jan 27, 2021 2:00 am

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whatchamacallit wrote a review...

Hi there raindrops! I'm here for one last review for you ^^

I'm starting to think I was wrong about the narrator currently being a newborn baby? Because last I checked newborn babies aren't capable of small-talk about the weather haha. I think it might be a me-thing, since none of your other reviewers seem confused, but I literally have no idea how old the narrator is at this point?? I think it'd be great if you could clarify that a bit - whether they're a baby, a toddler, a child, a teen, etc. - because even if I'm just missing something, it's entirely possible that another reader might also miss that something well reading through :D

The next line of words would be "I received a letter from Alec.", but it did not come out of my lips. Not this time.

I'm not sure that there's anything technically wrong with the punctuation you have after the dialogue -> .", however it does look a bit cluttered. I think: "I received a letter from Alec," but it did not...
would look a bit cleaner. But that's just a super small nitpick!

Speaking of dialogue, I think Shady might have said this in one of her reviews, but I'm not entirely sure why you have the dialogue bolded? It's not a typical writing convention - you can just use quotation marks to show that something's being spoken aloud - and I honestly find it a bit distracting visually. If you have a reason for bolding the dialogue, though, that's certainly up to you, and I'd love to hear it!

April 3rd, 2028. 6:34 am

Ooh so this is set in the future! Cool!!

Contradictory to a popular belief of your life passing through your eyes before death, mine just all went black. As a common saying goes, one must always prepare to expect the unexpected.

I like the comedic break here ^^ This chapter has been pretty serious so far so a bit of comedy never hurts.

This has never happened before. A deviation of other people's actions from the original timeline so early from when I came back! Something changed. Something happened before I died and came back. An information I cannot put my mind on. But I know I knew it. Think Juliana, what were Alec's last words?

Eee plot twist! I've noticed that throughout these three chapters you've had consistently strong endings with some really gripping cliffhangers - you've definitely mastered the art of ending chapters.

Overall, the plot continues to be really interesting and there's a surprise waiting in each chapter, which I love! I think a little bit of clarifying about how old the character is wouldn't hurt, but other than that, I don't have any significant critiques! I hope this is helpful, and thank you so much for requesting these three reviews <3 Again, if you've got any questions about anything I've said in these reviews, feel free to ask c:

Keep writing!

whatcha

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Fri Jan 22, 2021 9:35 pm

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ShadowVyper wrote a review...

Heya again raindrops,

Shady back for your last requested review! Thanks again for requesting And feel free to keep me updated as you post new installments of this story if you'd like to ^-^ I'm enjoying it so far!

"Hi mom."

To say I can hear the crickets deep into this building of thick walls is an overstatement but her silence remains disturbing.

"It's my birthday, mama." Yes, this situation is what I always come back to after death.

"The sun shines bright outside today." That's a lie, an attempt the original said to brighten the dim atmosphere.

"And the moon was especially beautiful last night." It wasn't. A rainstorm passed our town last night, leaving devastated homes, including ours. The next line of words would be "I received a letter from Alec.", but it did not come out of my lips. Not this time.

This is an interesting start to the novel! If you're repeating the "Hi Mom" from the previous chapter, I would suggest you find another way to start this chapter so it's not repetitive. In general, we don't want to backtrack in our stories which is what you're doing here by repeating something that happened in the previous chapter.

I would suggest maybe a reflection on the silence, to make this different. Like even something like:

The silence hangs in the air for an uncomfortable moment. My throat constricts as I try to remember what it was like to actually hear her voice. To get a response in my conversations with her. To feel her warmth.

I think it's a really interesting concept that they have the same conversation after each rebirth! That's a really cool detail! I would suggest trying to add some more backstory into it as you're working through it.

For example, you could be like:

"It's my birthday, Mama." I already know there won't be a response. There never is when we have this conversation, but still, I have to try. I tell a little lie to try to lighten the atmosphere. "The sun shines beautifully today."

Like, it's the same information, but it is a little smoother way to explain it, you know? Makes it clear that this is a repeated conversation. Predictable. Before we get to the end of what the narrator doesn't say. I think that would hit harder if we know before now that this is a repeated conversation each time they are rebirthed.

For example, your last paragraph that I quoted could be like:

"And the moon was especially beautiful last night." It wasn't. A rainstorm passed our town last night, leaving devastated homes, including ours. I pause. 'I received a letter from Alec.' I can't bring myself to say it. Not this time.

The italicized words would be recognized as their thoughts. And hit us that they know how this conversation is supposed to go, but is getting discouraged. Also, I'm still not sure who your narrator is. I am getting femme vibes and assuming that they are female, but you still haven't really given us any information about them. I would suggest making it a little clearer because at this point, three chapters in, we should know basic information like that about your character, even though there's still a lot of mystery surrounding them.

I don't want to die. I don't want to die anymore.

These are emotionally-charged lines and are SUPER well done! Great job!

But as her daughter, I felt her anxiety.

Ahh, okay, so the narrator is a girl. I still think my point stands that this should have been introduced a bit earlier.

Think Juliana, what were Alec's last words?

Ooh, and we got a name, too! I like that. I would suggest italicizing this so that it's clearer that it's her thoughts here.

~ ~ ~

This is another good chapter! It was a little harder to follow, but I think it's got real potential. Overall, I think just expanding a bit more as you describe the backstory is a good plan. I don't really understand how she's seeing her mom. Or where she is. Is she still laying on the beach? Has she moved?

It would really help to get more concrete landmarks so we can envision what's happening here. Like I mentioned in the first chapter, even showing some movement or talking about the setting can help us get a sense of characterization, and I think that would really strengthen your story.

I think that's all I've got for you this time! Hope my reviews helped a bit! I really enjoyed reading your story and I appreciate you requesting reviews on it!

Keep writing!

~Shady

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Fri Jan 22, 2021 2:35 am

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Yoshikrab wrote a review...

OKAY I am HERE!

Shall we begin?

To say I can hear the crickets deep into this building of thick walls is an overstatement but her silence remains disturbing.

First, I like this so far. You started off your chapter very uniquely and it really attracts attention. Why? You start off with a leading-off sentence that leaves the reader thinking-- what in the world did the author mean? This will make the reader CONTINUE reading and that is exactly what you want, right?

I love this part and you should definitely congratulate yourself for this miraculous addition.

The only thing I really noticed wrong here was a small grammatical mistake, but it's no sweat. We all make grammatical mistakes sometimes. You need to place a comma after "overstatement".

As much as I am in anger of these countless loops of life, it's a lie to say I wasn't afraid to loose my life. Even if one could say I'm already a veteran in dying, the process itself continuously haunts my being. I don't want to die. I don't want to die anymore.

Very, very good job! You added emotion here! The last part was seriously shredding apart the reader's heart! For someone to die over and over is really something to be more specific with and let the reader know what is happening and also hit the reader with emotion in it.

April 3rd, 2028. 6:34 am

I heard the last morning cry of a rooster. Saw an army of red ants sprawled on a decaying body of a wild rat. And then I drowned.

As far as I can see, this part really isn't needed. You could have naturally added that somewhere else saying that "I drowned on April 3rd, 2028 . . ."

Contradictory to a popular belief of your life passing through your eyes before death, mine just all went black. As a common saying goes, one must always prepare to expect the unexpected.

I would have loved some repetition here! If you want to know what I mean, check out my edited suggestion of this passage:

Contradictory to a popular belief of your life passing through your eyes before death, mine just went all black. As another popular belief goes, one must always prepare to expect the unexpected

You see how I added the same thing you said in the first sentence here? That's a type of good repetition, to emphasize a topic or phrase.

But as her daughter, I felt her anxiety.

This has never happened before. A deviation of other people's actions from the original timeline so early from when I came back! Something changed. Something happened before I died and came back. An information I cannot put my mind on. But I know I knew it. Think Juliana, what were Alec's last words?

Alright, this is a great way to end the chapter, even though the chapter is a bit short. You introduce the Main Character's name and add a little mystery at the end! Great job! However, I would like to warn you, try not to make a new mystery and cliffhanger at the end of every chapter, especially since your chapters are so short. Mysteries and cliffhangers are perfectly fine if used in moderation, but too many of them can confuse the reader. You should also add a pinch of action so the reader can get excited about something. Give the reader something to look forward to, something like a final battle or a concluding encounter! Let the reader know 'I will show you this later-- just wait and keep reading".

Anyways, I hope you were satisfied with this review! Keep up the good work!

Remember the Alamo. Remember Goliad. Remember Fireworks

-kyoshi

raindrops says...

Whoooo, I was waiting for this. I am actually quite nervous for this one (more than the other two chapters), and I see what you guys (other peeps who reviewed the chapter) meant. Thanks as always.

Yoshikrab says...

Also, I think you spelled "Entropy" wrong on the title

raindrops says...

Oh, why did i not noticed that. Thanks for telling.

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Thu Jan 21, 2021 3:53 pm

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Honora wrote a review...

Hey rain! I'm back again this time, I'll give you a real review instead of being lazy :-P

Keeping proper posture, but undoubtedly scared as the time ticks by, and relieved that no other person was around.
Here, I found the third piece a little out of place following the first two. Maybe make it it's own sentence? With a few words added so it's not so short?

...mine just all went black.
I think it would flow easier if you switched the words all and went around. Probably just a typo error

Okay so I found myself a little confused in this chapter. The beginning was fine but towards the second half, I couldn't quite grasp the situation. With the continuous talk with her mother and her weakened state, I'm wondering...is she still alive? In the afterlife? What? Maybe I'm jumping the gun with questions and information but I find it a little puzzling.
The last paragraph had me confused the most. I understand that something changed but....something changed where? In the real world? In her own self? I think that last paragraph could use some more clear information. The last three chapters have been such a riddle which is amazing but I think something concrete is in order for your reader to hold onto. Make sense?

Anyways, I really enjoyed this just like the last two chapters. Although I was a bit confused, I can still feel the plot thickening and this change could be interesting. I also want to know more about this Alec character...he sounds like he'll be a crucial point in your plot and I'm interested to see what he'll bring to it. It's a whole lot of suspense you've built in your work so awesome job! It's not something everyone can do and you've definitely got the talent for it!

Keep up the good work!
Honora

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Thu Jan 21, 2021 1:57 pm

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HarryHardy wrote a review...

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to review the third part...let's see where we've gotten now.

First Impression: Okay...looks like the plot is getting a move on in this chapter. There's a difference in this loop and our conflict has been introduced. We also learn a lot about or protagonist here also a good thing. Let's see how it does in line by line.

Anyway let's get right to it,

"Hi mom."

To say I can hear the crickets deep into this building of thick walls is an overstatement but her silence remains disturbing.

Well that is somehow funny and also sad at the same time. I really don't know why but I think its a great start to the chapter, definitely gets across the situation right away.

"It's my birthday, mama." Yes, this situation is what I always come back to after death.

That is super harsh, having to deal with that on one's birthday, over and over again. Well, things just continue to get worse for our protagonist.

"The sun shines bright outside today." That's a lie, an attempt the original said to brighten the dim atmosphere.

And this statement adds to that statement...you're definitely doing really well in that department.

"And the moon was especially beautiful last night." It wasn't. A rainstorm passed our town last night, leaving devastated homes, including ours. The next line of words would be "I received a letter from Alec.", but it did not come out of my lips. Not this time.

Well that's a good plan, changing things up would probably head lead to a different outcome.

Still baffled with how I died, I remained seated, staring ahead but not exactly looking for anything. This time there were no spilled blood.

I think that were should be was.

The memory I am able to recall suggests that I was alone in my grandparents empty farmland, expecting death to visit me at the right time, with the right bargain in hand. Keeping proper posture, but undoubtedly scared as the time ticks by, and relieved that no other person was around.

Can't imagine how horrible that must be...its certainly not a pretty way to go.

As much as I am in anger of these countless loops of life, it's a lie to say I wasn't afraid to loose my life. Even if one could say I'm already a veteran in dying, the process itself continuously haunts my being. I don't want to die. I don't want to die anymore.

Oh I can agree with that, no matter how many times you die, you never really do get used to it. Not that I have experience or anything. *Looks around nervously*

I heard the last morning cry of a rooster. Saw an army of red ants sprawled on a decaying body of a wild rat. And then I drowned.

Drowning sucks...

As far as I can recall, the only water source was a huge blue drum that is three-fourths of my height. My memory is still a blur as I have barely recovered from shock but the torturous feeling of water quickly entering my mouth and nose, and subsequently my lungs, still lingers. How could I have known, that the only thing more unpleasant than running out of air is breathing water.

Oh breathing water is the absolute worst way to die...I hope that she doesn't drown on every death because that would just be really, really cruel.

Contradictory to a popular belief of your life passing through your eyes before death, mine just all went black. As a common saying goes, one must always prepare to expect the unexpected.

Hmm...well that is the first time I've ever seen a death described as just blackness without the life flashing before the eyes so that's different from the usual.

In my blank stare I noticed the subtle tapping of her left foot on the floor. My mother was a disciplined and graceful woman that even in her weakened state such body reflexes cannot be noticed by many. But as her daughter, I felt her anxiety.

Ahh....we finally know that our protagonist is a she...that's very helpful...I was wondering when we were going to get that bit of information.

This has never happened before. A deviation of other people's actions from the original timeline so early from when I came back! Something changed. Something happened before I died and came back. An information I cannot put my mind on. But I know I knew it. Think Juliana, what were Alec's last words?

Ooh...well...finally it looks like the plot is getting underway...yipee!!

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall I think this is also a pretty good chapter. Since its only started moving now pacing and all isn't something to judge right now. So for now, its pretty interesting, its good to see the plot get underway and I will be on the lookout for chapter four.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

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Wed Jan 20, 2021 2:33 pm

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Yoshikrab says...

Hey I'll review this as fast as possible today is my mid-terms day so I'm mostly going to be working, alright?

raindrops says...

I hope you did well, today's my own midterms, so I'm crossing my fingers in hopes of passing all.

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Entropy - Chapter Three

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