I woke up to the sound of an explosion. And screaming. And crying. Still half asleep I stumbled to the window and saw that we were under attack. Buildings on fire. Men on fire. The sound of bullets ricocheting off of walls and into flesh. It was so strange to think about. Like a sci-fi movie. We were under attack. I didn’t understand, but it didn’t matter. I put my coat on, grabbed my giant bag, and ran past the screaming girls of my room and out the door.
In the hallway it was every man for himself. Some faculty grabbed young children’s hands while others flung themselves down the stairs and out the door without looking back. I searched through the crowd for Leila, and saw her huddled in a corner by the stairs scared and alone, her long dark hair a curtain between her and the world.
I picked her up without a word and went on looking for Sam and Pat. “Dani! Dani!” I heard them both calling my name. I looked around and saw them by the staircase, nearly being pushed to the ground by the crowd trying to get out of the building. Pat took Leila from my arms. I heard more explosions and rapid gun fire. I grabbed Sam’s hand and Pat’s elbow and we pushed through the crowed.
When we got out of St. Mary’s we ran full speed still grasping onto each other. We didn’t look back. Not once. We heard another explosion and it was like a part of me died. I knew it was St. Mary’s that went down. With all those kids still trying to get out. All those kids I’d learned and laughed with. I’d read to and played with. All gone.
We didn’t have time to dwell on it. We had to run. Nobody knew where they were going. Everyone was frantically running in different directions, looking for loved ones, or a place to hide. Pat was in the lead, and he lead us behind a dumpster to catch our breath. Leila was crying softly into Pat’s shoulder. Pat was taking quick ragged breaths and looking around uneasily, making sure we wouldn’t encounter a surprise attack. Sam was shaking, with a look of total terror on his face. I held his hand but he kept shaking.
The men were everywhere, shooting at the defenseless civilians of the city. Why us? Why this small city? Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a man hidden by shadow coming toward us with a gun, and we took off around a building.
“Charles.” Sam practically whispered. I looked to the side where Sam was pointing, and my heart leapt with joy. It was Charles, holding the hands of two kids from the orphanage. His son Peter was by his side. We ran up to them.
“Oh thank God. Sam, Pat, Leila, Dani. You’re alright.” He said with relief and touched the top of our heads as he said our names. “Come on, follow me.” He ordered, and we followed him without question.
He lead us to the outskirts of the city. Even here people were being shot at and bombed. Eventually we came to a dirt road and ran into some people also running from the city. After a while of not running into any of our attackers, we slowed our pace but didn’t stop.
It seemed like Charlie knew where he was going. Sam, Pat, Peter, and I all took turns between holding the bag, and holding Leila, who refused to walk and clamped onto us if we tried to put her on the ground.
For days we walked like that, hardly talking. Only stopping once in a while for fifteen minutes or so to catch some shut eye, or eat and drink whatever someone was willing to share.
Finally after three days of nonstop walking, we came to a very large building that was perhaps a once serviceable hotel. “This is where we’ll be staying for a while,” Charlie explained. “It’s the safest place to go right now.” I saw other groups of people, looking as dirty and tired as us. I guessed that it was some kind of refugee camp. I learned about them in my human geography class, but I never thought I would be staying in one.
Charlie went away to talk to some man, and I slumped to the ground followed by Pat and Sam. Sara and Ken – the two other orphans that had been with Charlie when he found us – sat together a few feet from us. I leaned my head on Pat’s shoulder and Sam laid on the ground in front of us. Leila rested her head on Sam’s stomach, and Peter looked at us curiously. None of us had ever really spoken to Peter for years. He wasn’t one of us. He had a father and a mother. Granted his mom didn’t exactly live with him but he had one none the less.
When we were younger, and Charlie brought him to the orphanage, he would play with Sam, Pat, and I pretending to be pirates or dinosaurs or whatever our imaginations lead us to that day. But as we got older he came less and less, and then not at all. It wasn’t such a big deal. People grew apart all the time. It only made it a little bit awkward to be thrown together at such desperate times now. He quietly sat down next to me and drew his knees up to his chest, as his dark matted hair fell into his sleepy brown eyes - waiting for his father like the rest of us.
After a few minutes, Charlie motioned with his hand for us to follow him. He lead us up two flights of stairs and down a few hallways. “You three don’t mind sharing a room do you? I figure Sam and Pat can share a queen bed and Dani, there’s a twin bed mashed in their somewhere for you. There just isn’t a lot of space.” The three of us just looked at him, to tired to respond that no, we didn’t mind. We just wanted to sleep. “The kids and my son will be sharing a room with me at the other end of the hall. I don’t want to be so far away from you guys but like I said before there just isn’t enough space.” He handed us the key, and said something about seeing us in a few hours to eat.
I unlocked the door and we walked in. First I ran to the bathroom before the others could even think about it. I washed my hands and face, and drank water until my belly felt full. I left the bathroom, took off my shoes and socks, and looked up to see Sam and Pat already in bed on top of their sheets with their shoes still on fast asleep. I climbed into my bed which was indeed mashed in place against a wall, and fell asleep as soon as my head touched the pillow.
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hi. First of all I loved youre tittle "As the World Crumbles". I started out thinking it was going to be another melodramatic teen angst plot but was supriesed when it didnt ( in a good way ). I did feel a little bit rushed too by reading it. The chapter started so abruptly I was waiting for Dani to wake up from a nightmare panting. You could try to soften it in the begining. Be more descriptive. Explain the surroundings, what was going trough her head. Was she scared for herself? Leila? Sam? Pat? Anxious? Panicked? Overwhelmed? It could have been a great time for her to flash back trough memories that could later be helpful later in the story too. Overall I really like how you write. Loking foreward to the next chapter.
Hi Rae222
End of the World stories have always intrigued me so this story caught my eye. Admititedly I did'nt get where you were going with this story but it is only the first chapter so it may develop. The main issue I have with this story is that it starts off in a very abrupt manner that is I felt it started to suddenly. This is not necessarily a bad thing because some of the best stories ever told begin in such a abrupt, chaotic manner however it also felt as though as a result of this chaos we did get a feel for the characters. In a story it is important that the reader feels a connection to the character early on because ultimately character anchor a readers attention. I did'nt really feel as though there was any real sense of urgencey among the orphans. Emotions of the characters are kept to a bare minimal even by the stories narrator who does stuff looking for family members when the world is being destroyed but does ot seem panicked, nervous , sad ect. Also a little more backstory would be nice. I think more detail should have been given on the men with guns and what was happening to the world. What this story really suffers from is it's compressed format. It almost seems as though you wanted to keep the story in a certain number of lines rather than make it longer and more fleshed out. I do not mean to sound harsh as I liked the basic premise of the story as in the children coming to grips with the end of the world as they know it. I also think that the characters have a lot of potential to be fleshed out in the future of the story. Looking forward to reading the next chapter!
Hi!
MAJOR APOLOGIES for taking so long to review this. I've had some other stuff going on and school's just about to finish but anyway, here I am now.
I like this premise, it's really interesting and I always love stories where the world ends because they're always so mysterious, you know? But you do need to decide on a title, even if it's just a working title. Right now ch. 1 is When the World Crumbles and ch. 2 is As the World Crumbles...so yeah, one or the other ^_^ I personally like the ch. 2 title, but it's up to you of course!
The thing that I think you need to work on most is not cramming all the story into little bits. I know, I know, the boring parts are, well, boring, and you want to get to the exciting scenes as quick as possible, but please slow down! I felt very rushed reading this - first of all, it's hardly any of your character's thoughts, which would help me know her and consequently care about what happens to her. The events also pass by so quickly that it's like as soon as I got my head around the setting, the setting was exploding! Try and ease the story into it a little more - let me get to know your character first, and then, once the story's been introduced and everything, make it blow up.
You have a nice writing style, but it felt stiff at times. That can be easily fixed during editing though, I think the main thing to do is take this skeleton-story and flesh it out more.
Again, sorry this took so long but I hope it helps.
-Mars