I always wanted my grandma to be like the old lady in that movie "The Wedding Singer". The one that sings to her husband at their fiftieth wedding anniversary. She seemed so cheerful and loving. I would imagine my grandma cooking me strange foods, knitting me sweaters, singing my favorite rock songs into a microphone, and having a splendid time doing it.
I'd never actually met my grandmother before. The only grandmotherly figure I'd ever had was Ms. Anderson, the resident nurse of the orphanage. She was nice, but I only ever saw her when I was sick, which wasn't often.
As I was sitting on my bed reading a book, Leila came and sat on my lap. She leaned her head against my shoulder and mumbled, "Dani, I don't feel good".
"Do you want me to take you to the nurse?" I asked her becoming concerned. Leila is kind of like my little sister. I'd been looking out for the tyke since she got here about three years ago. Her parents died in a car crash. Nothing particularly special. She was just two years old when it happened.
"No," she whimpered. "I just don't feel right. I don't feel good." She looked up at me with her big brown eyes and I gently patted her head. I didn't really know why she hadn't been adopted. Usually the little ones get scooped up fast. I suspected it was because she simply didn't want to be adopted, and tended to throw a fit at the prospect of leaving me and my friends.
"Okay Leila, how about if I put you to bed, and I'll read you a story. Will that make you feel better?" I asked hoping that her answer was yes. I did feel sorry for her, but the book I was reading was good and I wanted to get back to it.
Leila sighed and replied. "Okay, but I don't think I'm going to feel better."
We walked together in the dimly lit hallway to the room she shared with about four other girls a few doors down. Some of the other girls were already tucked in and sleeping. I pulled down Leila's covers as she picked out a book from a large stack beside her bed. She handed me Little Red Riding Hood and I read it to her, changing my voice for all of the different characters. When I was done, I looked down and saw she was already asleep.
As I walked back to my room I saw Pat and Sammy talking in hushed voices. Curious, I walked over to them. The conversation immediately stopped after they saw me coming. This was never a good sign. Sammy, Pat, and I are best friends. We're all we have in this stupid unforgiving world. We don't keep secrets from each other.
"What's up guys?" I asked casually. The boys shared a glance and meekly looked around, obviously avoiding my eyes. Their appearances are so contrasting, if you didn't know better you would never guess they're related. The cousins had come here eight years ago, around the same time as me.
Pat with his straight dark brown hair, almost covering his bright green eyes that have every girl at St. Mary's Orphanage sighing when he walks by. Every girl besides me anyway. He's tall too. Just over six foot. His tan skin almost showing off his love of outdoor sports. Sammy on the other hand has the looks of the All American Boy. Or he would if he wasn't so disheveled. His shaggy platinum blonde hair is constantly in a whirlwind around his face. He is thin, though not at all in an unhealthy way, and much to his dismay only comes to about five foot eight, just reaching Pat's shoulder.
I look into Sam's deep set dark grey eyes and unfairly ask him, "So what were you guys talking about?" I can always tell when he's lying which he does often.
It’s because of his eyes. So expressive and constantly changing, I can tell almost the exact thought passing through his head by looking at them. He becomes anxious and muddled only when lying to me. "Well...um...we... were talking about..." he stuttered breaking out into nervous laughter.
"We were talking about tomorrow's field trip and how we should really start packing," Pat said with mock confidence. Sam nodded vigorously in agreement. I rolled my eyes. I didn't feel like pressing them any further. They would tell me eventually.
"That reminds me!" I exclaimed with the rush of today's events surging through my brain. "You know those terrorist threats we've been hearing about on the news?" Sam and Pat nodded solemnly. "Well Charles might not let us go on the trip tomorrow. He said it might be too dangerous."
"Damn it no!" Sammy shouted. "I have been looking forward to this trip for almost a year." He slumped his shoulders and looked at me pitifully. As though I could change the decision of Charles (the head of the orphanage).
"Listen, he only said we might not be able to go. Just pack your things and tomorrow morning we'll find out for sure. It's probably just some silly scare anyway. They always are." I said in hopes of making a smile reappear on his face.
"Yeah we should all get going," Pat said probably fearful of the conversation returning to what him and Sammy had been talking about before.
"Okay. Night guys," I yawned realizing for the first time how tired I was.
I got to my room and jumped into bed, of course landing on the edge of my book and slightly scraping my back through my nightgown. I threw the book onto the ground and slid under the covers. My things were already packed. I had everything for the ski trip I could possibly need. It wasn't often that any of us got to leave the town and all of the high school crowd was excited.
Last year Pat, Sam, and I didn't get to go because we'd gotten into a bit of trouble. Actually a lot of trouble. We locked Mike Anderson in the janitors' closet for four hours, because he threatened to tell Charles about how we skipped third period every other day to hang out. We ended up getting in trouble for both acts. Not our most thought out plan.
Eventually I fell asleep, dreaming of fresh fallen snow, a warm fire and a starry night in the mountains.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi Rae, I'm Evi. ^^
You're missing some commas here, which would help your readers keep a more constant flow. I've noticed that acouple of times throughout this story-- a lack of necessary commas, that is. If you read your writing aloud and figure out where you pause for breathe, it'll really help you know when to insert a comma.
Note: If you PM me, I will be happy to go through this and show you where you're missing commas or where you have incorrect punctuation. But for simplicity's sake, I will skip the grammatical nit-picks in this review and focus more on content. If you still can't figure out some proper punctuation, though, be sure to PM me.
Here, you kind of contradict yourself. First you say that Sam isn't a very good liar, because Dani can always tell when he's not telling the truth. And then, in the next paragraph, he has a hard time coming up with something quick, and it's Pat that has to come to the rescue. Sammy has to be either a good liar, which would mean it's hard to tell he's lying, or a bad one, which means it's easy to tell and he can't lie at the drop of a hat.
Alright, that's it as far as nitpicks go.
I think you characters can be fun, as long as you work to develop them. One problem that's already been pointed out is gender-- with names like Dani, Sammy, and Pat, those could be either girls or boys, and you'll need to elaborate on that quickly. Also, Incognito is right-- add some more of those subtle descriptions instead of dumping a paragraph on appearances, because that sort of overwhelms your readers.
As for Dani, the touch with Leila is exactly the sort of thing you need-- it shows that she has a maternal instinct to care for the younger children at the orphanage, but still needs her own 'me' time to read and such. You'd do well to include those kind of insights into your characters for ALL of your characters, even if they're not the main ones.
I think you're style is pretty good and solid except for maybe one thing-- your sentence structure. I've noticed that a lot of your sentences in this chapter are short and simple, with no semi-colons and limited clauses, no colons, no dashes, things like that. you can really use those (as well as commas-- heed Incognito's advice and add those commas) to make your stories run more smoothly and be varied with their sentences. Use short ones, long ones-- even the occasional fragment is perfectly fine. Just be sure not to become boring with lots of the exact same length sentences all in a row. ^^
As for your plot, I'm not quite sure where this is going, but I think you need to bring that in pretty quickly. Your readers will get bored if you spend too much time building up to the main scenes, you know?
^^ PM me if you need anything, dear.
~Evi
Hi there (:
You already got a great and long review from Incognito Temptation, but still I couldn't resist telling you a few things about your text.
I just read this, and I thoroughly enjoyed it - very, very nice.
>> The opening is simply great, it's sweet and just that slight bit weird (-> that just was a compliment!) and it makes the reader wonder what will come up next. The main character is popular with the reader from the very first moment.
>> I can't really tell yet whether the 'I' is male or female - was that your purpose? I'd guess it's a guy, but there's no real hint actually.
>> After the first part, I get the feeling you're way too keen on getting on with the story, suddenly you describe everything really fast and the quality isn't quite as good as at the beginning.
>> I noticed the dream. I don't know about you, but I never dream such coherent things, and I mostly don't dream anything that has to do with my day / with the next day etc. I guess it's a matter of taste, but I personally would have the MC dream of something more.. realistic and abstract. But it's just a detail.
Generally: Really interesting. Good work!
Nice greets (:
Hey there! Welcome to YWS!
I am Incognito and I am going to review your work today, but before that I would like to remind you if you haven't heard this already that on YWS we have a two for one ratio meaning for every story you post, you have to review two other storyies (not your own). That way everybody gets a review. I recommend reviewing one more piece so the Mods stay happy.
Well, not that that is over, let us begin!~
I. Nit-Picking
First off, you use a lot of 'ands' in this sentence. When you use too many 'ands' then it makes your sentence seem run-on which isn't a good thing. I would recommend getting rid of some of the 'ands' that don't need to be there and leave a comma instead. That way it keeps the flow of the sentence, and it deosn't seem redundant.
Secondly, after 'Dani' you need a comma and after 'said'.
So all the changes would look something like this;
'I was sitting on my bed reading a book and Leila came and sat on my lap, she looked me square in the face and said, "Dani, I don't feel so good."'
One thing that I have to mention is that this is written in present tense, while the rest is written in past. It works, but it was minorly confusing because if this was supposed to be in present tense then he first part would relatively be too.
Another thing is simply that this does have a lot of info-dumping. It isn't a severe case, but any more and it could be. I recommend revealing the information slowly through out the text, making the reader know more and more about the character over time. It also keeps the reader reading because they want to know more about her.
You need some commas in here. Either you put one after 'okay' and after 'Leila' or you can put it just after 'Leila'. Place them where ever it is deemed necessary for a pause.
Comma is needed after 'okay'.
'I' needs to be capitalized. ;D
A comma is needed after 'done.'
This confused me moderately and I had to read it over again. I believe you need a comma after 'contrasting', and it will make it make more sense.
What got me lost was that I thought that you were actually talking about the looks on their faces when you said 'looks'. It wasn't until I read it the second time that I realized that you were talking about their appearances. I would change the word 'looks' with something else to make it clearer.
'filed' should be 'field'.
'to' should be 'too'.
Watch out for the 'and problem again! I would recommend getting rid of the first on and replacing it with a comma.
II. Grammar and Punctuation
You have great grammar. You had a few errors which I thought were probably typos. They were simple ones like 'to' instead of 'too' and not capitalizing an 'I'. If you proof-read your work a second time, I am sure you would pick up those errors.
For your punctuation, I believe you use to little of commas that are necessary at points. Especially when there is names spoken in dialogue. After someone addressing someone using their name, it usually has a comma after it, that is the same with starting of dialogues like 'Okay,' or 'Well then,'.
III. Character Development
I loved your characters certainly They each have their own personalities and and characteristics that make them unique in their own way. The MC's character traits could actually be easily spotten to my surprise and I was impressed.
One thing that I found iffy was that you described the oher character's appearances and history is one big blurb everytime. Info-dumping is bad. D;
A strategy I use to fix that is to simply add minor descriptions into actions so that people could get ahold of what the person looks like without being directly told. That also works for adding character traits because when describing an action, everyone moves differently depending on their personality. You could get a lot about a person with one simple sentence. For example;
'He ran his hand through his golden hair swiftly, meanwhile looking down on me, appearing unimpressed.'
From that you could kind of already pick up that he has blonde hair, and for character traits, you can find that he probably thinks highly of himself and is confident with his appearance because of his gesture.
Try it out sometime. ;D
IV. Writing Format
I do enjoy your writing. You blend the words so that it is not too overpowering with description (except for the minor parts of info-dumping). One thing I want you to watch out for is your 'ands'. Don't make one of the most commonly used works seem redundant. xD
I believe that if you spread out your description as I have mentioned in the Character Development section, you could probably get rid of a lot of the info-dumping, but there is one minor problem that you can't fix with that strategy. You can't get rid of the blurbs with the histories because you need them in the story.
For those, I believe that you coud possibly even write it so that history clips come and go by saying something like describe an injury and say it was from the car accident that killed their parents. Just spread out the information in a way that doesn't make it over-powering. Some of the information is alright, while others isn't exactly necessary and can be removed. That is of course to you.
V. Overall
I certainly like your story very much. It seems different so far, and was a subtle first chapter. I think that it would probably get better later one because at this moment in time, it hasn't materialized much of a plot other then that there is a group of orphans and a skiing trip. I personally think that they will go and it turns out the terrorist threats were actually real.
That would prove to be an exciting plot.
I just have to say that work on fixing the 'ands' the 'info-dumping' and lack of commas, and your writing would be marvelous.
Keep writing and I hope to read more of your work.
~Incognito