Published August 24, 2011
Everything was a game
all you said was a lie
those three words never ment to escape your lips
stupid me i should have known,
it hadn't been the first time
i took a second chance
now my hearts in a trance
to keep from tearing up
as it collects itself from the shattered pieces
you dared to leave it in
you say you regreted breaking up
i shouldn't have believed you
because here i stand alone once again
there was only tears and silence as we were ending
like we didn't have the chance
you left me without a word and came back with your heart
in anothers hands
i hope you don't get done wrong
just as you left me stranded on a lonely street
along side a broken and bleeding heart
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138,958 Literary Works • 672,365 Reviews
I'm highlighting this portion, but the same rule goes throughout the whole poem: you need some punctuation. I had to read and re-read and re-re-read the poem to figure out where the narrative was going. It's hard to follow something when the entire thing is a runon sentence.
The rule I've always been taught was that poetry is just prose with line breaks. Taking your last little bit of the poem, this is how most people would read it:
"I shouldn't have believed you because here I stand alone once again there was only tears and silence as we were ending like we didn't have the chance you left me without a word and came back with your heart in anothers hands I hope you don't get done wrong just as you left me stranded on a lonely street along side a broken and bleeding heart"
That's a lot of text with no break, and it's very hard to read. Putting in punctuation is essential if you want something to be understood.
Other than that, it's pretty generic. I mean, who hasn't felt like this at some point? Nothing about this really stood out to me. There was nothing that stuck out and made me see a new perspective on betrayal. Granted, there's SO MUCH out there on betrayal and heartache that it's hard to find something new about it. However, I felt like this poem didn't even try. Thinking more creatively will help a lot with this.
KF
Great work! I love the way you have structured your poem. It flows extremely well and I love how it seems like a mess of words with a very specific emotion within them. I love the foreshadowing in your poem, because it allows the reader to relish in that battle that feeling of doubt and hope.
I love the .. you left me without a word and came back with your heart
in anothers hands
It is a interesting and fluent way to describe cheating and being betrayed.The end really brings the readers attention on how the battle was over, the imagery was stunning!
Hi! First of all, I loved the dramatic mood you've created in this poem. You've certainly put in a lot of emotion. There's something about it which attracted me and kept me mesmerized as I read it all. The flow, I thought, was off at one point but when I read the second line, it was back to normal again. You really have a hidden poet in you.
I really loved this part. Collects itself from the shattered pieces. Just awsome. So do post more poetry and keep it up!