z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Shadow Keepers: Section, Part 1

by racket


I race silently past the short little houses squatting beside the dirt road. My gritty, soaked hair slaps against my forehead, sending droplets of pure water down my cheeks and onto my chin. I keep running.

The sun-dried ground carries me off into the distance, poking through the surface of my skin, making me bleed. Praying I am not leaving a trail of blood, I duck down an alley. Will they find me? Breathing hard, I back up against a wall and watch from the shadows the opening I have just raced through. Only seconds later, stealthy black-clothed guards slip silently into the opening of my alley. My breath catches in my throat as I stare fearfully at the leader’s gleaming sword sheath, strapped intimidatingly to his back.

He, or maybe it’s a she, peers into the darkness all around him. He nods toward the shadow-like group behind him, his fingers flitting through the air in silent communication, white gloves gleaming maliciously. The group immediately separates into five different groups, dispersing down the five passages on and off of the main road. A larger group darts into my alley, stalking the shadows that are abundant in this part of the city. I feel them sense the presence of my soul, their uncanny way of knowing things presented as they unsheathe their swords and slip through the night towards me. Everywhere I look there is a guard.

Panicking slightly, I slip into the darkest, deepest shadows and grope among the night looking for a handhold in the limestone walls. Cutting my hand in the process, I push my scrawny body off the ground and into the air. The wind whips my soaked bangs and I can just see the shiver crawl down my spine. Time slows down as I watch a single drop of water fling itself free from the claustrophobia of my bangs and pierce through the air, striking a perfect hit on the heart of one of the shadow guards. His head snaps sharply in my direction and he moves as if struck by lightning in my direction, all the while signaling others in the foreboding language of the hand. I climb for dear life, striking stone after stone with my blind attempts. The sting of the wind pushes through the darkness to my bloodied hands as my ascent becomes more and more desperate. The silent slice of a blade cutting through the air stings my thoughts with identical pain as the one shooting through my lower leg this very moment. I scream inside and bite my lip until blood seeps from it. Wrenching the blade from the depths of my calf, I struggle to the top of the squat building that has a significant part in determining my fate. The roof tops greet me like long lost friends as I pull myself over the edge of that dreaded alley.

Using the last of my strength, I push myself into a standing position and stagger as fast as humanly possible through the fateful night. The sharp edges of the ends of buildings block my path every few yards, and I find myself faltering too many times in the darkness. The outlines of guards nearby swarm to meet me in every direction, and I find myself cornered against the fateful edge of a building, the emptiness behind my back pulling and pushing me in the wind; willing me to come and accompany it in its ascent towards the heavens and back to the lowly earth. A block of stone crumples under my foot and I struggle to keep my footing. As the last precious seconds of freedom tick away, the craziness of the night convinces me to believe the impossible. Taking a enormous breath, I leap into the night sky, willing the souls of the victims of Shadows past to carry me on their wings of underserved eternalizm. For if I do not escape, my life will never end and therefore I shall be living an eternal Hell not deserved by anyone. I can feel the pulsing beat of fellow victim’s souls in the night sky, under me, next to me, over me, everywhere. They carry me to the farthest of all buildings in the city, then swoop into the darkness while wishing me luck of any and every kind. Weaving through my fingers, a silver lock of hair wriggles about my wrist in a symbol of eternal luck, tying itself off at the ends. I press my hand to my heart, kiss it and push it into the wind as a sign of thanks. In the time it takes for such a simple gesture to occur, an eerie whistle blows through the wind, reaching my ears as I twist around in fright of the impossible.

“No!” My mind screams as the streak of silver breaks through the magic of the moment, into the underside of my arm.

“No, no, no, no…..” I crumple to the ground and utter a silent sob. Peering up into the darkness, the beautiful darkness that gave me life and meaning, I stare into the shaft of a silver arrow, loaded on a golden bow in the hand of a murderous archer. He stares coldly down the shaft, into the depths of my heart through the window of the Eyes.

“NO!!” I scream as invisible blades pierce me from every direction. A single tear races down my cheek as the gleaming arrow plunges through my heart, into my soul.


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382 Reviews


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Sun Feb 02, 2014 6:54 am
Dreamy wrote a review...



Hey there,

Dreamy here to review.
At first I was hesitant to review this piece, since I'm not good in first-person narrative thing. And to my surprise this is also written in present tense. And guess what, you have done a very good job. I enjoyed it thoroughly. I liked your description and your narration. It was all fast-paced and very griping. I liked it very much and I can't wait to read the rest of the story. There is one thing I thought you should have a look at,

The group immediately separates into five different groups,


The word "group" is repeated twice in here, so it feels kind of off. Try re-phrasing this sentence and other than that, this is a beautiful and heart-racing story. Keep up your good job!

Keep writing!!!

Cheers!!! :D




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19 Reviews


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Fri Jan 31, 2014 7:45 pm
Scoeri wrote a review...



Interesting. I like it really and truly. I especially like the consistent theme of blood and sharp edges. It's almost like poetry. Unfortunately I feel as though it's a bit short, and although not enough description is given. What are her (it's a her, right?) wearing? Do they have mail? Or maybe just black boiled leather? Describe your surroundings more too. You do absolutely fantastic with the action, but you're kinda vague with everything else. What does the city look like? Is there a primary color at play? If it was made entirely of something like red adobe brick that'd be pretty cool, and fit with your theme. You should also work on describing more than just texture and color. Are the gaurds tall and slender? Or are they short and squat? Do they vary? If so describe a few key individuals. Finally you need to work more on your description of pain. At the moment it's kinda like "Ow, okay. That hurt. Moving on." Having a length of cold steel bight into your calf should be a bit more significant. Same with arrows and swords. That's all I have at the moment. Good job, keep up the work, and have a nice day.

- Scoeri




racket says...


Okay, just for the record, I believe there is plenty of description. The things you think should be added don't really fit in with this because (a. Main Character is running for their life, (b.It is night time, therefore, color isn't that easy to see, and (c.Main Character is in a state of panic right now and doesn't really have time to think/feel and describe absolutely everything going on. The majority of your other suggestions will be answered in following sections. I am not making full chapters because I do not have a good record with continuing long pieces. If I keep the sections short, I have a chance of finishing the whole story. ;) Thanks for your suggestions and review!
~Racket



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Fri Jan 31, 2014 10:59 am
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Wriskypump wrote a review...



Hello!
This had my heart racing because the writing has a present tense feel about it. It reminded me of Aladdin, at least that was what I pictured from the person running from the guards and stuff. That was probably just me. I really don't understand what is happening in the story yet, which is probably your purpose and created suspense masterfully. Nothing stuck out to me grammatically. I find myself wondering if the character is dead at the end. Don't tell me. Just keep doing what you are doing because it is success!




racket says...


Thank you so much! I'm glad you didn't find anything wrong; I swear I edited it five million times. XD It does have an Aladdin feel, doesn't it? I'll make sure to explain almost everything soon, but that most likely won't happen until the second section. Thanks for reviewing!
~Racket



Wriskypump says...


I understand the obsessive editing, same here when I write stuff.



racket says...


I think this was such a success because of the obsessive editing. It's the first time I've ever done that and it paid of! Normally, I only edit once or twice.



Wriskypump says...


Oh. I do it all the time XD. It seems to help everything as far as the final product goes.



racket says...


Yeah, I'm just an impatient person. That's why most of my stories never get finished. That's also why these sections are going to be so short.



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Fri Jan 31, 2014 6:41 am
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TriSARAHtops wrote a review...



Hi there!
This was a really good piece. The style of writing wasn't quite my cup of tea, however, this piece was so well written that this didn't particularly matter. You set the scene well, and I was hard-pressed to find anything to complain about. I think it was a good choice to split the story up like this, but don't afraid to post something a little longer. That said, I thought the length and the pacing within this piece was very good.

You grammar and spelling was fantastic, and I only had a couple of quibbles to point out:

sending droplets of pure water down my cheeks and onto my chin

This is extremely minor, but I don't really see the need to specify that the water was pure. Maybe another adjective, such as 'freezing' might work better, because the water being pure did nothing to add to the scene.

I can just see the shiver crawl down my spine.

Unless she was having an out-of-body experience, I don't understand how she would do this. Maybe 'felt' the shiver?

His head snaps sharply in my direction and he moves as if struck by lightning in my direction

'In my direction' becomes very repetitive here.

You've done a fantastic job, so keep up the good work!




racket says...


Thank you for saying this was so good. The 'pure water' thing has a more significant part in the sections to come, so normally I wouldn't say things like that. I agree; I should fix it to "felt". I will try and fix the repetition problem as well. Thank you so much for reviewing and starring this. I edited this so many times in one day I felt about to explode, so it feels good to have you think so highly of it. Anyways, thanks for reviewing!
~Racket



TriSARAHtops says...


No worries, I enjoyed reading it, and the fact that there was so little for me to point out showed that you had done some really good editing. Good luck with part two!



racket says...


Thanks!




Every generation laughs at the old fashions, but follows religiously the new.
— Henry David Thoreau