Published June 3, 2011
Come with me
And take my hand;
Let the gentle breeze
C'ress your eyes;
Spread your wings;
Catch the sun
Let it's brightness widen your smile.
One more push and sail to Greece
or to Rome or to Nice,
Maybe Pisa;
Touch the clouds;
I'll give you a jar;
Capture this day for the rest of
Your life;
Laugh out Loud,
Little princess fear not;
I'll catch you should you ever
Fall;
One more push,
For now you shall see;
That little boy there wants
A turn.
~hallie~
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,495 Literary Works • 672,584 Reviews
thank you very much Justagirl.....thank you and I will...thank you very much everyone:)
I love the young, playful vibe that comes from this. It could've had a better rhythm, but I liked the simple way it was written. Good job, keep writing!
I loved the tone and the wistful kind of emotion that you created here. I didn't fully understand it but you created a couple of very beautiful images and although it didn't quite flow as well as it possibly could have in places I enjoyed reading it. Keep writing.
Great job with this
Other than the things I pointed out in purple above this was awesome! I loved your emotion and your flow was very good too. So, good job
Keep writing,
Alzora
Thank you
Hello there. :3
Nitpicks:
Shouldn’t this be the other way round? Because when someone takes you hand then only that person would be able to come along and if the person has already taken your hand, then he is already coming with you. But, it was a good start.
Ok so this also sounded kind of odd. :/ generally good sceneries and beautiful images caress the eyes but here you mention breeze. It is a bit weird that it was sounds a bit odd while reading. And that would be caress do not keep a word in apostrophes.
That will be, its.
This stanza was good but it doesn’t quite appeal to the reader. It does not create images which this stanza would be likely to create. The imagery isn’t good. It ought to be good to make this stanza stand out. This could be a very good stanza if you use more imagery.
It would be: “I’ll catch you if you ever”; and bring “fall” in this same line because it makes the reader pause when it is not even required.
“A turn” does not sound good. Make it “his turn”.
Well, it was a good poem. You did well. It lacked any sort of rhythm or flow but I guess it was supposed to be that way, but the sudden line breaks makes the reader pause when not required. It’s like a jerky path. And the images also, where not prominent enough. I hope my review helps. If you have any queries just let me know.
Keep writing.
Hola
I really enjoyed this poem. Its those types of poems that make you feel good and lively. I like the simplicity of it and that made it really unique. Keep up with your writing! 
Hi, I really enjoyed this. It was one of those poems that I didnt really understand but made me feel so lovely and happy inside. I liked the layout and the punctuation was fine. A job well done, in my opinion! Keep up the good work and, of course, * like *! Happy writing, Hallie!
~ Amelia