Published October 7, 2007
When Left to Myself
It's two in the morning and I'm left with the dread that I'm on my own again.
The sky outside is faded with a dull gray light,
There's a forthcoming shadow in the trees.
Strewn across my room is the usual liter,
Still now its too chaotic for me.
So I keep to my vigil at the open window,
But the sun won't show its face.
All is silent but the locust's stark cadence,
And the hiss of the wind in the trees.
The world is hushed, but my mind is shouting,
And I've no way to give it peace.
Left to myself, I fear what comes when my thoughts pour out stagnant and raw,
For I know that this thick sorrow is not only a phase,
This restlessness forlornness not an adolescent stage.
But yet I wait for the dawn,
Proverbial yet real,
My heart,
My mind,
Betting on unseen lots.
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141,397 Literary Works • 674,387 Reviews
I want to go into full depth reviewing here, but I don't know if I can. I'm kinda lazy right now, but it was a nice poem. I think that you need to work on imagery. You need to show us what your saying. Other then that, good job.
Lots O' Luv,
Lindsay
This was a little... hm... angsty. I'm not sure how much I liked it. Sometimes the lonesome, oh-poor-me sorts of stories get a little bit tiresome.
I mean, they can be good, but this was a little... tired? A lot of blood and woe, and not much torn flesh, if you get my drift.
Sometimes I think that you shouldn't be happy unless there's an injury... when there's just the blood it doesn't make much sense.
Peace, love, chocolate,
Muffin
Whoa! Your diction is amazing! I had some trouble putting a beat to the poem, but then I realized that the speaker's just talking. The description is powerful and melancholy...I love it! Once you add those line breaks in, maybe give the poem some more meter, it'll be nothing less then fantastic.
That's interesting. It's got a nice ring to it. In the drafting stage, I'd say you're pretty well off. It's got some great potential.
Maybe try changing some lines around.
Quote:
So I keep to my vigil at the open window,
But the sun won't show its face.
All is silent but the locust's stark cadence,
And the hiss of the wind in the trees.
The world is hushed, but my mind is shouting,
And I've no way to give it peace.
To me, those last two lines feel like they should be a whole new stanza, with some more lines added in to make it fuller. But I think it's just because the first four lines flow together, and it ends with a rhyme, and to me it just changes the flow of things, and makes the pacing a little off.
But, that is totally just me, and I love rhyming and so I base everything off of that.
Ah! Also...:
Quote:
Left to myself, I fear what comes when my thoughts pour out stagnant and raw,
For I know that this thick sorrow is not only a phase,
This restlessness forlornness not an adolescent stage.
Just the last line: the two words "restlessness forlornness not an adolescent stage"
Now, I wonder if you maybe left some commas out, or it's just some typos, but together, the two "-nesses" without commas to space them and to make them flow better, don't really flow with the line, or frankly, together.
Other than a few unimportant punctuation mistakes that can be easily seen and fixed, it's a beautiful poem, and it has quite a lot of potential.