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16+ Violence

Sharp Edges

by qulydia


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

How many rocks should she take with her?

Five.

One to throw at the people laughing, pointing.

One to throw at her Fear.

One to throw at a wall, screaming.

One to throw at the mirror.

And

One to swallow

With her eyes squeezed shut.

So the sharp edges

Tear her open.


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15 Reviews


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Thu Jul 27, 2017 2:04 am
jessegrey wrote a review...



Though this may be short, I found it to be very powerful. I found myself thinking back to times where I definitely could identity with what she is feeling and going through. Something I particularly loved was the capitalization of Fear. I don't know, maybe it's because it feels more real or the connotation to the fear being a living thing you could not only feel but also see, but it just really provoked me in the best way possible. The ending was heartbreaking, because I think we can all relate to it. Overall, I loved this and it was beautiful!




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Mon Jul 10, 2017 7:54 pm
midnightdreary wrote a review...



Hi! This was a very interesting poem, since it was so short, but it actually told quite a bit. I also like the idea about the rocks, especially throwing one at the mirror. That being said, let's get into the review!

So first thing is I feel like this poem begins too abruptly. I think that instead of just saying five straight away, you could always do a description of her picking up the rocks or something like that.

The next thing is that you could try to develop her character a little by going more into her emotions. I feel like the reader needs to see more of her thoughts to be able to empathize more with her. Yes, I feel that she's sad, but it's more interesting to read about someone who you've gotten to know a little bit.

Next is your poem's structure. So after you say "Five", I think there should be a new stanza for the lines after that. Then I think you should put the last rock in a separate stanza rather than just having "And" in its own line. Also, side note, try not to start lines with "and".

Then I think I'm your last line, you could end with "tear her wide open". I think the adjective just gives it a punch that it needs.

Your poem is short and it delivers your message clearly, that's no question. But, I think adding on what I suggested and your own ideas would really make it stick with the reader.

That's all. I hope this helped!




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Mon Jul 10, 2017 7:43 pm
EKK15 wrote a review...



Hi!

I really like this poem. You captured so many emotions in just a few short lines. I really love the idea of the 5 stones to use as outlets and representations of what the girl is feeling. I think the last 4 lines are the most powerful, and they're pretty simple too. You're able to capture such a strong and overwhelming moment in simple, easy to read, words.

The one thing I would recommend, is maybe introduce why the girl is feeling all of this pain. You don't have to say exactly why, but maybe before the stones part, give a few background hints and context clues, so that we can see why the girl is hurting so much.

Loved the poem. Keep up the good work!

-E




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Mon Jul 10, 2017 4:24 pm
Kaylaa wrote a review...



This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review! First of all, welcome to YWS, qulydia. If you ever have any questions, don't be afraid to ask me or any other names in green or red. Without further ado, let's jump right in.

Before I comment on anything else, I wanted to note that there's potential here. That's what I got from this poem. What's holding back this potential is multiple aspects that I'm going to touch on. First of all, I wanted to ask about the decision to capitalize the beginning of each line. This is a stylistic choice that you're allowed to make, of course, though I don't see how this enhances anything? An explanation for that'd be nice, even if it's as simple as making the overall aesthetic look better.

With that being said, I wanted to touch on the punctuation here. The punctuation of a poem dictates the flow. While I enjoyed the actual structure of this poem and that facet for the most part is effective, the punctuation in places can be fixed or the wording can be changed. The overall thought of the poem packs a punch for what the subject matter is about, though there are a couple areas that can be changed for a stronger outcome.

How many rocks should she take with her?

Five.

One to throw at the people laughing, pointing.

One to throw at her Fear.

One to throw at a wall, screaming.

One to throw at the mirror.


Let's take the first six lines for example. In the first line, who is she? Where exactly is she going? The first question, to me, is much more important than the second seeing as this isn't actually answered. Context is key. I'm going to assume from the rest of the poem that this is a girl, presumably in a mental state that isn't ideal.

This is a decision you're going to have to make. Do you want to keep who 'she' is more vague throughout the poem, or do you want to go into more detail? Is this 'she' supposed to represent anyone in specific, or is she representing a body of people? The second line is effective, seeing as we start with a question in the first line, and in the second we're hit directly with an answer.

What I do have to say about the use of repetition is that there are a couple of fixes that can be made. For example, in the third line, instead of using a comma between the words 'laughing' and 'pointing' I suggest you just put 'and' for better flow. In the fourth line, the word 'fear' doesn't need to be capitalized and that doesn't do much to enhance the poem. In the fifth line, instead of 'a wall' which is unspecific, 'the wall' is more appropriate. Maybe an adjective before the word 'mirror' might enhance that line.

You don't even have to use the same verb 'throw' throughout these four lines to be repetition. In fact, it's stronger if you switch it up since it keeps this from getting stale so easily. For example, the first use of repetition works fine with flow. The second use with fear, I suggest changing this to 'banish' or something of that caliber. The third use can be changed to 'One to put a dent in the wall' while taking off the screaming which I forgot to mention earlier, is a little unnecessary there. If you want to keep that, take out the comma and add 'while' instead. The fourth usage being 'shatter' instead of 'throw'. Strong verbs can change and make a poem stronger, though it's your choice if you want to give up that part of the repetition.

And

One to swallow

With her eyes squeezed shut.

So the sharp edges

Tear her open.


The 'and' is an unnecessary line seeing as it's a filler word that only clogs up the flow. I often see unnecessary words shoved in poetry, usually at the beginning of a line. There are certain words that can almost always be cut out. So, To, And, Because/But usually shouldn't begin a poetic line. I also believe that the four lines after this can use enjambment for a better effect. What I mean by this is that taking out the period in the third line here, taking the 'so' out of the fourth, and changing 'tear' to 'tearing' in the fifth.

For the most part, the flow is where this poem is weakest. The structure and execution of this poem packs a punch and can pack an even harder punch with some edits of the wording and punctuation. While the concept isn't the most original and I felt this could've been a little fresher in regards to ideas, though for what this is, it works.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

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Mon Jul 10, 2017 1:20 pm
whatchamacallit wrote a review...



Hi qulydia! Whatcha here for a review!
Welcome to YWS! I'm relatively new, myself :D
Wow, this is a great idea, much different than other poems.
There are a few things I have to critique about this poem -
1. Fear and mirror rhyme, but nothing else. Is that meant to be? Or was it accidental? If you were to keep this poem's rhyming scheme through and through, in the second stanza 'shut' and 'open' would have to rhyme
2.'One to throw' gets repeated a LOT. That takes the meaning out of it. Maybe you could change some of it - 'a bullet to shatter the mirror', stuff like that.
3. In the first line, I would cut out 'with her'. It adds no meaning, and it's not a descriptor.
Again, cut 'her' out before 'fear'. I find it flows better that way.
That's all the bad stuff I have to say! I love the way you took a well used subject but made it different.
Keep writing!
~whatcha





"Now I realize that there is no righteous path, it’s just people trying to do their best in a world where it is far too easy to do your worst."
— Castiel