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Young Writers Society



The Raven King/Barely Audible

by quitecontrary


‘Come close,’ whispered the voice of my sister,
‘And I will tell you a story of the Raven King,
With eyes as black as night, beady and sinister,

And claws adorned with obsidian rings.
Upon his brow sits a thorny crown
Of wilted roses and blushing pinks.’

I once glimpsed the Raven King under heavy oaks renown.
His eyes shone like coals; in them covert
Red light flickered like a hopeful spark beaten down.

My sister beckoned me closer.
‘His breath lingers like the midnight soul
On wasted moors of mossy clover.’

I met him on a bright grassy knoll,
Where the golden sunlight caressed
His feathers, black as coal.

Her voice was wreathed with distress.
‘In his mouth he carries his heart,
Bright cherry red, bloated with sins unconfessed.’

When I looked in his eyes they smarted
With tears; the broken colors of stained glass purified
Into transparent works of art.

‘My darling,’ she cried,
‘It is your heart he will cheat.
Relinquish your love, but guard well your pride.’

And even more softly, ‘I cannot save you, my sweet,
From the piercing bite
Of his barbed beak.’

My sister, you speak of his words with spite,
But it is the truth he imparts,
Even though it comes from the blackest night.

And although his life seems dark,
That’s only because you haven’t opened your heart.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was the end of the day
The end of an era
The end of my reign as King.

I heard her whisper from the back of the room,
Head turned, eyes bright,
Barely audible,
“Better left unsaid, the things he did as King.”

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1334 Reviews

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Sun Jan 31, 2021 2:59 am
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Hannah wrote a review...



I am 100 percent with you until "transparent works of art', because after that, you suddenly turn from the speaker telling the sister a story, to the sister somehow knowing something about this king and warning the speaker away?? How he will cheat the speaker's heart?? But I thought the sister was just learning about this amazing character.

If you wanted to slip in some romance, I would say that having the sister's facial expression change just as she is listening to this description would be magical. Maybe the speaker than realizes the power of their words. It's possible you were trying to show the speaker just learning of the Raven King, but as the sister hears the description, she realizes she knows this person and warns against him, but if that's the case, she would have known from the first stanza where he is named, and not let the speaker go on so long. Either way, something about the relationships needs to be fixed.

I am also very intrigued by the epilogue section. I am not quite clear on whether the speaker was also a king all along, or whether this is still discussing the Raven King. It also gives me mixed messages about what I'm supposed to think of the Raven King. The first description makes it seem as he is beyond the realm of humans, not really someone who will get involved in base politics. But the last line of leaving what he did as king unsaid makes it seems like he was, after all, just another politician to be judged later in history.

I would spend more time with this poem, because the opening is GORGEOUS. But if you can get the story and message straight, I think it would be more enjoyable! Thank you so much!

If you have any questions or comments, feel free to message me.
Hope this was some help.

Hannah






Thank you for your review! I was trying to play on the idea of a sister warning her other sister about the Raven King(metaphor for another guy), but I can see how you were confused by the relationships. Also thanks for the idea about facial expressions! I'll see if I can slip that in somewhere in my next draft.



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Sun Jan 31, 2021 12:05 am
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trashykawa wrote a review...



Ohaiyo, quitecontrary! Here to review your poem <3

It's been some time since I read/reviewed poetry, but this one sucked me right in. I've always been a fan of ballads and bards and old-timey poems that rhyme, so this was wonderful to read!

I think you began with a good line; it's a tried and tested way to start any ballad. I do feel like the "come close and i'll tell you a story" style is overused, and while most readers who read a lot of poetry would've like to see something different, I don't think it takes anything away form the poem as a whole.

The entire poem has a lot of dark imagery, from "raven" to "midnight" to "coal" which I think sets an appropriate mood and adheres perfectly to the theme of mystery and suspense. I keep imagining the fae as I read this, was that intentional? Nevertheless, it has a very "dark magic" vibe to it and I love it.

In some parts of the poem, for example,

I once glimpsed the Raven King under heavy oaks renown.
His eyes shone like coals; in them covert

I feel like the pacing changes very suddenly? The rhythm in which I read the previous paragraphs suddenly veers and breaks, which I think detracts the reader from the poem. The same thing happens in paragraph seven. It's slightly disconcerting, but I think the rest of the poem keeps a more consistent rhythm.

The ending segment doesn't rhyme, but somehow it fits very nicely as an epilogue. I'm dumb so I don't think I actually understood what happened at the end, but it has a very mysterious touch it, and I loved it!

Anyway, keep writing! I'd love to see how you grow as a writer, since I remember starting with ballads and narrative poetry when I first joined the site too! Adios and have a good day <3






Thanks for your review! When I was first writing it, it seemed natural to change the pacing at that point because it was a different voice from the person telling the story, but I'll take another look at that!




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