Wonderland

hey quietcuppi,

Here is my review!

Your poetic lines are so minimal for you to describe about the circumstances you are stacked in. Why I point this is because I can find in your lines a part of description.

"Shady leaves mask the sun
The wind whispers my name
As I lay under one lone willow tree
Crows and ravens sing me to sleep"
this would be the best part of poetic lines of yours I would say. But still you lack in deviating readers attention towards this. And punctuation part needs to be worked out.

The best part of a write up would be drawing everybody towards this to get assimilated.

I would suggest you to use more personifications, exaggerations , descriptions ,vocabulary to make it a crispy one.

Best of luck. keep writing!!

Hello there here is a review for ya that I do hope helps you.

OK this is really weird funny the first thing I noticed is that there is no punctuation at all but you should see my work I mean it has punctuation but it has it in the wrong places.

But your spelling was good I don't see what the them of it is though.

Good work here I hope that we meet again.

And if ever you need to see something that is worse than your just look at some of my work it is not that great.

Well I think that is it although every thing I can see wrong here is already covered.

Until later good bye.

Good work keep writing and good luck.


I hope it helped.

And pleas if I rambled "Sorry".

~Jon~

Hello! Sarah here!

Okay, this is definitely an exceptional poem and you create an exquisite picture in just a few lines. However, I feel as though some of those lines are a little cliche and can use just a tad of originality? Such as "the wind whispers my name" and "in my hour of death" - it's still your poem, and you're totally inclined to leave it like that as the poem itself is still a nice and pretty one, even when dealing with a dark subject like death.

Hi quietcuppi!
I'm hanorah this is my review
I thought this was really really really really really really really good!i have nothing muchbad to say about this poem except maybe more use of punctuation?other than that it was really good,well done.I really thought it was quite smart!ten out of ten! Anyway bye,how you liked my review!

S'up,

I'm Sarah! Let me see...I found it very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very cool! It's really cute in a way! :3

On with the show...

*curtains open*

I have no complaints about this other than one thing. It's just a little thing, it's that you don't have any full stops or question marks at the end of the sentences. It will make it look neater, if you know what I'm saying. It's just one of the important rules when writing anything really, you always need full stops or some other mark at the end of sentences. That way, people won't be confused if it's a question or statement.

Next, commas. To me, this needed some commas SOMEWHERE. I feel as if this is missing quite a few of them.

All in all, this peice feels...Un edited, if you know what I mean.

*curtains close*

This peice reminds me of Alice in Wonderland but only twisted. It's as if she not wearing a blue dress but black, if you know what I mean. I like it a lot!

I hope my review helped! If it offended you, I'm super sorry!

*spk sign* Until next time,
-Sarah

Hello,

I am new to this site and I would like to give you a review of your poem.

Title: "Wonderland"
From this title, I thought of “Alice and Wonderland” and was expecting a type of surrealist poetry, but I wasn’t sure what to expect. Because even “Alice in Wonderland’s” interpretation is purely up to the reader. So I was quite interested in what meaning you wanted to pass along to the reader.

Line 1: "Shady leaves mask the sun"
This is an interesting line and I have never heard anything quite like this. I really like it and it pulled me into the poem because I wanted to know what was next. You made a unique and original opening line.

Line 2: "The wind whispers my name"
This line seems a little cliché; however, you could use different vocabulary to spice it up. Instead of "wind", perhaps try "breeze" and instead of "whisper" perhaps you can try any of these words: hummed, murmured, or sighed. Also, one thing I thought of when I read this line is Alliteration. "wind whispered" is great alliteration and if you want to experiment with this poem or other poems, alliteration would be a seemingly nice challenge for you.

Line 3: "As I lay under ONE lone willow tree" (not on)
The willow tree part of this line really intrigued me. Did you choose the willow tree for a reason? The willow tree is one of my favorite trees because metaphorically, it has the ability to adjust and adapt to life rather than fight it. Were you intestinally using the willow tree as a metaphor? If so, kudos to you! Very well done.

Line 4: "Crows and ravens sing me to sleep"
This is also a very interesting line. Crows feed off of anything and everything that they can find. And they are adaptable and highly intelligent birds. Ravens on the other hand are considered dark and mysterious. I suppose Poe's poem contributed to that. So I found this line to be remarkable. Was the symbolism intended? If so, congrats. You did it beautifully.

Line 5: "Black bunnies warm my heart"
The "black bunnies" portion of this line made me smile. We think of bunnies being cheerful and cute and cuddly. Then you mix in the word "black" and it seems that the cute bunnies become evil, yet they warm your heart. Very interesting.

Line 6: "As it beats one last time"
I really think you could spice up this line. It is bordering upon cliché.

Line 7: "My twisted wonderland is where I am"
I like how you refer back to the title.

Line 8: "In my hour of death"
This last line is BRILLIANT! I loved it. It threw the poem off balance, but tied it all together at the same time! It was like...BA-BOOM! TA-DA! I'm very impressed. Sometimes simplicity beats overdone writing. You have really created a magnificent line here.

Good Luck!
Hope my advice helped.
Message me if you have any questions.

hey, that is a really short and sweet poem.

i think you made a mistake though in the third line it says 'under on lone' i think you meant to put 'one'.

i really like the imaginative vocab you used but you could do with some punctuation apart from that you have a really good poem here

Hi there, quietcuppi!

I like the brevity of this scene. It's about one moment, one heartbeat, so it is just the suitable length. If it was any longer, it might start feeling repetitive or redundant.

As this is so short, you have to pay even more attention to the fact that in poetry, every word counts. Every line should bring something in the poem, and there shouldn't be any "filler" lines in, because those will make the poem flat. You also have to be wary of cliches for the same reason. I felt that this line was a bit cliche:

The wind whispers my name

As I lay under on lone willow tree
Crows and ravens sing me to sleep

Black bunnies warm my heart

Hello there

I spotted your poem, and, which doesn't happen all that often, I decided to stop by and review it for you. Why it doesn't happen often? Because I'm absolutely not a poet myself, and I wouldn't bet I even know how to review poetry. I'm also not a native English speaker, so I will not be paying attention to your grammar either. I think other reviewers said a thing or two in that one already anyway.
I am here to give you my honest opinion, about how your poem made me feel. I hope I won't fail miserably at my attempt of reviewing

So.
I liked it. Even more, I really really liked it.

You have beautiful images there. It pulled me in at the very first line and kept me there until the very end, and then I read it again. I love how it's at the same time dark, and sad and kind of eerie, yet so calm and descriptive and doesn't make me feel unease at all.

You made me intrigued. I want to know more about you, or that person in the poem. I want to know where they go, what awaits there. What happens next, what happened before. It has a marvelous tone of something nostalgic and mysterious and leaves me happy and sad at the same time. Really, thank you for sharing.

I'd be interested in reading more of your writing. You feel free to appear at my wall or message me anytime - whether you want another review, have a question, just want to talk, look for a new person to tell a joke to.. You get it. Also, welcome aboard!

Keep writing. That's pretty much an order.

Kind regards,
Aria :3

Woah. O.o
Your poem had me thinking about a beautiful scenic park, especially with that title, until I realized it was a graveyard... I like it!

"Shady leaves mask the sun
The wind whispers my name"

I really love the imagery you started with, some mistakes, but it's a good way to start a poem.

"Crows and ravens sing me to sleep
Black bunnies warm my heart"

I'm not so sure if black bunnies go so well next to crows and ravens, in the same setting.
But I suppose that may be just me. However I also think bunnies match well in any poem, especially when warming hearts. :3

"As it beats one last time
My twisted wonderland is where I am
In my hour of death"

This poem was a nice treat, like a bag of sweets on Halloween.
It made me wonder about how the MC got to the willow tree, why she was alone and why she was going to die... I wanted to know a bit more.

I feel like I only spent a second in your wonderland before it was whisked away from me.
I really wish there were more to read, I wanted more time there.
It felt like being at a restaurant, when a waiter comes your way with a delicious chocolate cake and your eyes widen, your mouth watering, in anticipation- just before he turns giving it to the table next to you... bad example maybe. :/

Or maybe that's the only example I relate well to.
Hope I helped a little.
density//

Hey there!

Starleene here!

First off, I just want to welcome you to YWS! We hope you enjoy it as much as we do! So let’s begin this review!

Right off the bat, I notice that you don’t use any punctuation, is that intentional? Regardless, I’ll mention them in the comments as I go along.

“Shady leaves mask the sun
The wind whispers my name”

You need a semi colon after sun and un capitalize the (T) in “the”, also add a period after “name.” I really like the imagery you have here, it’s almost as if I could see the giant tree that the MC is laying under, a small breeze brushes against their face. Very pretty.


“As I lay under on lone willow tree
Crows and ravens sing me to sleep”

There should be a comma after “tree” also don’t capitalize the “c” in “crows.”


“Black bunnies warm my heart
As it beats one last time”

Again, add a comma after “heart” and don’t capitalize the (A) in “as.” I don’t understand this line. Black bunnies? I know that you’re trying to go for a wonderland affect but it seems like a strange statement to make.

“My twisted wonderland is where I am
In my hour of death”

Add a semi colon after “am” and don’t capitalize the (I) in “in.”

Over all, I enjoyed the piece and I can see potential in your writing. Keep it up! I can’t wait to see more from you!

Good Luck! Happy Writing!

Starleene Out.