Story of Apple Anne

O.o That was a surprising end.

Okay, to start off!! The structure! Nice, for a short story. But it still looks a bit untidy. ^^" Maybe because of all the missed spaces? So... mind if I clean it up for you?



A long time ago a little girl named Anne lived with her mother Beatrice on an apple farm. Beatrice loved the farm. Everyday, she told Anne not to eat an apple. One day when Anne was playing she got really hungry. She was far from the house. She looked around and saw an apple tree. "Mommy wouldn't notice one apple missing," she thought then grabbed an apple. She picked the juiciest one she could grab. When she was done she turned around and her mother was there. She got nervous because she knew her mother's strange love of the apples. "Mommy I'm really,really sorry. I was just so hungry. I promise I'll never eat another apple,"she said. Her mother just smiled and said,"It's okay. I know that this was just a one time thing and you'll never ever eat another apple. So don't worry. Now come on we have to get ready for tomorrow."

Anne started noticed her mother acting strange. For example Beatrice would stare off into space and she would be talking to the apple trees. So on Anne's birthday her mother told her to wear her new apple-patterned dress and Mary Jane shoes because they were going on a picnic. When they got to the spot Anne saw that it was the place she had eaten the apple the other day."Come here Anne I have a surprise for you,"Beatrice called. When Anne came to her mother she saw her take something out of the basket. Her mother took out a knife. For a second she got really scared. Beatrice noticed this and told her not to be afraid. She handed her daughter an apple to eat while she peeled her's. While eating her apple her mother spoke about the 'apple incident' as she called it and how Anne said she would never eat another apple again but she stated that she lied because she was eating an apple right then. Anne grew more and more scared. Before she knew it her mother was choking her then the world went black. She woke up to the sound of digging. She was tied up and gagged by duct tape. The digging stopped and her mother came up to her."I said you'd never eat another apple again," she said then lifted Anne up. She put her daughter into a hole she dug near an apple tree. After the terrible deed was done Beatrice went home and feasted upon many apples not caring about what she did.

Okay, I fixed some punctuation errors and things like that.

Now, Story!!

It was, admittedly, weird! So, the mother just killed her own daughter?! Like that?!
Man, she must really love that farm. Sicko. >u<

Also, I didn't get to see the characters' emotions at all! This was so monotone. Even when the girl was dying, it like, completely emotionless. Please work on that.

Now, since it's a short story, character development isn't necessary... but is it strange that I didn't feel anything for the girl? O.o

THAT'S when you know you need to re-write.

Overall, great plot. Just- since you seem like a beginner- work on expressing yourself more. It's not that hard, really! >u< It just takes time.

Hahaha, oh my gosh! What a mean mom. Like she just tricked her daughter into eating another apple? When her daughter probably trusted her 'cause they grew up together?

I guess that's one thing that always confuses me about some scary stories like this. How does the mom just get over the familial relation she's had to her daughter? She birthed this person, raised this person, and cared for this person for however long Anne's been alive, but suddenly she can just kill her? Another option would be that Beatrice has always kind of neglected Anne for the apples, but in that case I'm pretty sure Anne wouldn't trust her mom and would always be on edge about these dumb APPLES that stole away the attention her mom was supposed to be giving her.

I'm going to say now that your characters are flat. And I know that's maybe a big hit to take, but they don't seem like real people! Why? Does Anne go to school? How do Anne and Beatrice usually spend their day? Just having conflicts over apples? Does Anne have a father or any other family? If not, why not? Like, she had a father to have been born, so what happened to him and why isn't he here to protect her? What does she do during the day if she doesn't go to school? What does her mother do during the day if she doesn't have a job? If she does, what is it? If apples are the mother's sole pursuits, what led her to live in such a condition? What was the impetus for her obsession and if it happened before Anne was born, how did Anne survive childhood?

So many questions! So little reality! If it were more realistic, it could be much scarier. As it is now, I kind of giggled. But I did wonder how Beatrice ate the apples. Does she cook them in pies or make jams or eat them with cheese?

PM me or leave me a wall post if you have any questions or comments.

Good luck and keep writing!

Hey Cuppi, welcome to YWS!

I'm Abel, and I'm here to review your work.

I think you have a nice creepy story. But you went too fast; you didn't create a solid image of a crazy mother before she murdered her daughter. The only thing crazy you mentioned is that she talks to the tree. At least you could have elaborated on that. You could go on to write:
"Sometimes, Anne sees her mother dancing around the tree, laughing and talking, as if the tree could hear her; as if the tree were alive."

Here's an error I caught sight of: "Anne started noticed her..."
It should be: "Anne began [or started] to notice..." OR "Anne began [started] noticing..."

Nevertheless, I think this is a great story, and with some time and corrections, I believe that you shall become an excellent writer. This is why you should continue writing on YWS

My first thing posted hope you like it