The elf of Elisian >>currently looking for better title<<

by quez

>>My dream is to become a writer, and I started on this work as practice. This is the beginning of what I want to be a very long story<<

chapter 1: With the wind

The wind, the sky, all up high,

All must perish, all must die,

But the brave don’t fear,

They celebrate and cheer,

And drink 5 bottles of beer!

The sound of singing filled the air in the town. The people were grouped up around the bard, happily singing along with him. It was a great sight, seeing so many happy people, almost as if they don’t have any problem in the world. Of course this wasn’t true, since it was winter and the people of Elisian always had problems during the winter. It was great that at least they can sing and dance even during these difficult times. They were so happy that they didn’t even notice the hooded figure coming into the town. The hooded figure wasn’t very tall, and probaly still a teenager. However, he looked very threatening despite his age. He had a long black robe and a flowing cape, black boots, black gloves and a black cap that almost hid his entire face. You could only see his eyes, which seemed to pierce through your body, observing your very soul. They almost looked like the eyes of an eagle. The hooded figure walked up to the crowd, to see what was happening. When he saw they were just singing and dancing, he lost interrest. Instead he continued walking.

The Drinking Dwarf read the sign. Seems like a name for an inn, the hooded figure thought. He walked into the inn, to be greated with the smell of wine and warmth of the fire. ‘Evening, sir.’ said the innkeeper. ‘I want to rent a room for a day. How much you want?’ said the hooded figure. ‘Calm down! Around these parts it’s considered normal to greet and introduce yourself, stranger. This is just rude!’ the innkeeper formed a big smile. ‘Rude? Tssh. Like a would care about that. But sure, I’ll introduce myself. My name is Aron. I’m a lone wanderer, on my way to Himslhold. I’m just passing through this place for one night, so don’t you get excited now!’ Aron formed a small smile to counter the innkeepers big smile. ‘Well, that is certainly different from most people that pass through here. But I won’t bother you anymore, I know a tired man when I see one. Well, man… More like a boy, haha!’ the innkeeper seemed to enjoy his own joke a bit too much. Aron remained silent, and gave the innkeeper 10 Fredriks (the currency of Elisian). He walked up the stairs and went to sleep on his rented bed.

Aron woke up, and was greeted by a beam of sunlight coming through the window. This was a plesant surprise, because it had been snowing constantly since around 4 days ago. Aron knew this was gonna be a very good day, he just felt it. After eating and saying goodbye to the innkeeper he set out into the town again. He was planning to keep travelling to Himslhold, but then he heard some screams: ‘Help! Bandits! Please help!’ The sound came from the west of town, where several people where running away from a group of bandits. The guards came… well, some guards came. Aron was surprised by how little showed up. Were the rest hiding in fear? These guards didn’t look very brave either. Aron quickly thought of what to do, and decided that he wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he let these poor people suffer. He grabbed his sword and ran at them. He then realised something else. The guards already lay dead on the ground. He counted the bandits… 5...6… 6 was a lot. Nothing he couldn’t handle, except there were a lot of people around.

Though his sword skills are quite impressive, he needed a bit more to handle 6 bandits. However, if he used that bit more, he would be in trouble. As it was he decided didn’t really have a choice. The 6 bandits saw Aron walking to them, and surrounded him. ‘Hah, another peasant trying to defend his people? I don’t think some teenager can fight us.’ said a big man with a giant axe, who looked like the leader. ‘Famous last words, I must add. Big words for a big man.’ said Aron in a taunting tone. ‘You think you are some kind of hero? Boys, attack this kid who thinks he is some kind of hero.’ With that, the bandits charged at him. Aron quickly raised his hands, and a ring of fire surrounded him. The bandits turned quiet. They weren’t expecting this. ‘... A mage, huh? Did a filthy little elf sneak into Elisian? Why are you helping these people, aren’t you at war with us?’ the leader shouted, with a bit of fear in his voice. ‘Us? You think you are with the people you are attacking? As I see it, I am with these people, and you are against us. Now come, face me.’ Aron shouted back. The bandits had enough of the taunts, and started to put out the fire. They made a small opening, and walked into the ring. Aron saw his opportunity. He manipulated the fire to smash into the 3 bandits walking through the opening. They screamed in pain while being burned. The other bandits came from the sides. He created 2 blasts to hold them off.

With the other bandits out of the way, Aron attacked the leader. He parried his attacks, and shot a fireball right at him. The leader staggered, and Aron took his chance. He sliced the leaders head off. Then he went back to the 3 bandits burning. He didn’t decide to have mercy. 5 bandits could come back to attack the village. He made the flame more intense, and the bandits burned to death. The last 2 bandits where back on their feet. ‘Leave this place! Don’t you dare show your face again!’ Aron shouted. The 2 remaining bandits ran as quickly as they could. 2 bandits where not much of a threat, so Aron let them live. He then turned his back to the people that were watching. ‘If I were you, I would ask for better security. These untrained guards can’t defend against a small group of bandits.’ There was a long silence. When the people saw that Aron didn’t do anything, one of them said: ‘Leave. Now. Your people aren’t welcome here.’ Aron was shocked. Not that the people wanted him to leave. Now they knew he was a mage, that was normal. The people of Elisian fear magic greatly, and it’s illegal. But they showed no gratitude that he saved them. Then he realised something. They didn’t know he was trying to save them. In all of the chaos they didn’t see that his actions saved the town.. ‘I will leave now. I took mercy on you. But if you tell others about a mage being spotted around here, I will curse this entire town!’ Aron said in a very imposing voice. He knew that the people here feared and misunderstood magic so much, that they wouldn’t know that he can’t curse an entire town. Aron left the town. Alone. Hated. Feared. With the wind.

chapter 2: Alicia

Aron was walking along the road to Himslhold. He was getting closer. ‘70 kilometers ahead.’ the sign read. He would be there in about 2 days. He decided to stop to get something to eat and drink. He went off the road, into the forest. He saw some rabits. He decided to hunt instead of eating his rations. He took his hunting bow and shot the rabits. He walked up to them, and saw he hit 2. Then he walked to the river up ahead. He took a cup and put it in the river. He also refilled his watersack. He was drinking from his cup, but then he saw someone doing the same around 50 meters ahead. He decided to ask for directions. When he walked closer he saw it was a girl, also a teenager. She had brown flowing hair, filthy peasant clothes and a bucket with water and some clothes she was washing. ‘Good day, stranger. Where is the closest town from here?’ Aron said. The girl looked in shock at Aron. She definitely didn’t expect to see anyone. ‘... Oh…Yes! A town! Sir! Ehm… I… I come from a town, obviously. So you could follow me to it. It’s pretty close. But I need to finish this work first. Sir.’ the girl said nervously. Aron couldn’t help but smile at the girls nervousness. ‘Here, I’ll help you with that to repay you for you helping me.’ Aron said. The girl looked confused. ‘Help me? I’m cleaning clothes. Are you sure you want to do that? Sir.’ ‘Of course. I have to do something to repay you, don’t I?’ said Aron. They then cleaned the clothes in complete silence. When they were done, they started walking to the nearby town. Aron tried to talk to the girl: ‘So… what is your name?’ ‘Alicia. Sir.’ she said hastily. ‘You don’t have to call me sir, haha. You can call me Aron.’ Aron said, smiling. They stayed quiet untill they got to the town.

It was a very small town. You could hardly call it a town, it’s more like a colection of 10, maybe 11 houses. ‘Is there a store around here?’ Aron asked. ‘This way, s.. Aron.’ Alicia said, while walking to the store. ‘Good talking to you Alicia. Here is a little for showing me the way.’ Aron gave 1 Fredrik to Alicia. This surprised her more than anything that day. He didn’t really have to give her any money. But Aron felt like she probaly needed it, judging by her dirty, cheap clothes. Aron went to the store and bought some food for later. Then he went out and roasted his rabits and started eating.

Aron had rolled out his map of Elisian, and decided that it would just be best to keep going. However, he suddenly felt sad. He really enjoyed his time with Alicia. It was weird, he usually enjoyed being alone. But something about her company he really enjoyed. Then he planted his face into the palm of his hand. He was a teenager, of course he enjoyed the company of a pretty girl. ‘Just forget this, it’s just a girl, don’t let this ruin your journey!’ he said to himself. Aron stood up, packed his things, and started walking. However, he then saw a group of ominous, dark clouds. ‘Aww, seriously! I am so close to Himslhold!’ Aron cried to himself. He decided to just stay in the inn until the storm was over. ‘No name for this one? That’s sad.’ he thought to himself. He always liked to see the names of the local inns.

‘Good day, traveler. What brings you to this town?’ the innkeeper asked. ‘I am here for shelter for the coming storm.’ Aron answered. ‘Storm? Is there really a storm coming?’ the innkeeper asked. ‘Look at the clouds. The wind is going our way, a storm is coming.’ Aron said. ‘Well, we have 1 room left. 100 Fredriks.’ ‘100 Fredriks!? Are you kidding me? I’m renting a room for 1 night, and you ask me 100 Fredriks.’ Aron said very loud, almost shouting. ‘I know it’s expensive, but I’m afraid you have no choice. A storm is coming, and this is the only inn in town. Pay up, or get out!’ the innkeeper said. You could see no emotion on her face, except for her eyes, which were full of greed. ‘This is ridiculous!’ Aron said. He suddenly thought about something. This town was very small, there can’t be very many guards. He could easily threaten her… she would deserve it. ‘100 Fredriks is way too much for a room. If I were you, I would give a normal price. Or else…’ Aron put his hand on his sword, and put up a threatening face. ‘Fine, fine! 10 Fredriks! I don’t want any trouble.’ the innkeeper took Arons money, almost unwillingly. ‘ALICIA! Get over here, and bring this kid to his room! And hurry up!’ the innkeeper shouted. ‘Alicia? Does she work here?’ Aron thought to himself. Alicia came running to Aron. ‘H-hello… Aron?’ Alicia looked up and was surprised to see the face of Aron. ‘Right this way!’ Aron followed her.

‘So… you work here?’ Aron asked. ‘Yes. I have to work here, else Hilda, the innkeeper, says that she will kick me out. And she is my mother.’ Alicia answered. ‘That hag of a woman is your mother? That must be awful.’ ‘Well, my real parents died when I was very young. Hilda took me in, but she is not very nice… not at all.’ Alicia looked down. ‘I am sorry to hear that… what kind of work do you do?’ ‘I work around the inn, but I also have to do a lot of jobs around the town. Hilda gets the money, but I get food and a place to sleep.’ ‘Sounds kinda bad… you really get no money?’ ‘Well, it’s not like I have a choice’. Aron was silent for a while. ‘You could…’ Aron started. After a while, Alicia asked: ‘What could I do?’ ‘Nevermind.’ Aron answered. Aron got into his room, and Alicia left.

The next morning Aron walked down, and asked for breakfast. ‘No one said anything about breakfast!’ Hilda answered. ‘That was implied! Do you not know how running an inn works?’ Aron angrily said. ‘It is not how my inn works!’ ‘Fine! Thanks for your kind service!’ Aron said sarcasticially. He walked out quickly. After he had calmed down, he thought about Alicia again. He almost wanted to suggest that she could come with him. But that would be foolish. It would be very dangerous for her, and she would only slow him down. And of course… he was an elf. She probaly didn’t want to travel with one of his kind. Despite all of this, he couldn’t help but think about her. Then suddenly he heard: ‘Aron? Aron? Please stop!’ He turned around. It was Alicia. ‘Aron! Please, I want to come with you. I want to see the world. I have had enough of Hilda. She tried to beat me because of some minor mistake. She was probably still angry about you. But I wouldn’t take it anymore. I fought back, and ran out of the inn. Please, I want to come with you!’ Alicia talked so quickly that Aron could hardly progress all she said. ‘But…’ Aron thought about all of the good reasons why she shouldn’t come with him. But then he saw her face, half filled with excitement, half with fear. Fear of him saying no, and her having to go back to Hilda, or maybe even wander on her own. All of the reasons agains’t the idea of her coming with him seemed to suddenly vanish, and he said: ‘All right, but promise you will do everything I say! It is a dangerous world out there!’ The fear on Alicia’s face seemed to vanish almost as quickly as Arons thoughts. The two walked together on the road in complete silence.

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
steampowered
Review

Hello quez, steampowered here with a review!

Generally, I feel like this piece definitely has some potential, and I wholeheartedly encourage you to keep going with it. However, I spotted several things which might be improved to help the story read more nicely.

First of all, your paragraphs are very long. I’m guessing you’ve probably read fantasy epics such as The Lord of the Rings where long paragraphs are the norm, but you really don’t need to do this to create a literary feel (and generally, having long paragraphs puts the reader off, because they find themselves intimidated by a large block of text)

However, your dialogue paragraphs are easy to split up, because Aron often talks in the same paragraph as another speaker. For example:

‘... A mage, huh? Did a filthy little elf sneak into Elisian? Why are you helping these people, aren’t you at war with us?’ the leader shouted, with a bit of fear in his voice. ‘Us? You think you are with the people you are attacking? As I see it, I am with these people, and you are against us. Now come, face me.’ Aron shouted back.


One of the reasons why it’s not technically correct to have two different people speaking in the same paragraph is because it’s confusing. Here’s how this snippet of the paragraph should have been formatted:

‘... A mage, huh? Did a filthy little elf sneak into Elisian? Why are you helping these people, aren’t you at war with us?’ the leader shouted, with a bit of fear in his voice.

‘Us? You think you are with the people you are attacking? As I see it, I am with these people, and you are against us. Now come, face me.’ Aron shouted back.


Another thing I thought I’d point out is that you often write in very simple sentences with little in the way of description. For example:

He saw some rabits.


This feels a little brief. Why not embellish this a little more, so it doesn’t read as a simple statement but actually as part of the narrative?

The other thing I’d say is that you should write your numbers not as numerals, but as words. For example, 5 should be written as five.

I feel like this was a bit of a negative review, but I do feel like it has potential. I rather like the dialogue you have, and if you remember to split it up so each speaking character gets a new line then it’ll instantly feel much more readable.

Hopefully this review was helpful to you, and sorry that this work took so long to get two reviews to rescue it from the Green Room. Keep writing, and feel free to bug me if you want any more feedback on this!

-steampowered-

Hello!
First of all, I commend you for wanting to become an author! Such is not an easy task, but I wish you luck!
Second, thank you for posting your work for revision!

The main issue with this piece is one I noticed immediately. The large unbroken blocks of text. As a fantasy author, you should break this up to make it look less daunting to the reader: dialogue gets it's own lines, for example.

Next is an issue with the writing itself. Now, I'm sure you have heard of the issue of showing, not telling. Now, let me define exactly what this means: rather than stating the imagery outright, you must show it through description. For example, when you list the hooded stranger's outfit at the beginning of the text, you could simply say: He was clothed in all black, from head to toe, his hooded features masked in shadow but for his eyes which peered out at the scene before him, glinting with a sort of predatory wisdom like those of a hawk.
See, much more interesting!
This method of storytelling will not come naturally at first. It will take practice gained from a lot of reading and multiple revisions. The same can be said for the next major issue I found: dialogue.
Dialogue, for many new writers, is difficult. It is hard to capture a normal conversation on it's own let alone maintain character during that conversation. The dialogue within your piece felt very forced and awkward, and in many places it felt unnatural and unrealistic to the point that I wondered if I had missed a line.
Once again, this will just take practice.
I hope my review helped, and thank you for letting me read your piece!
~Sincerely, Fading



Born to read. Forced to work.
— Khushi17Bansal