#BF0000 ">changes
#FF0080 ">comments
Jamie.
I now looked out over the road, potholes, dead bodies, houses still smouldering, and then I see something that makes fall to my knees… My dead family.
My mother #BF0000 ">was holding my baby sister and little brother in her arms, trying to protect them, but #BF0000 ">with noavail. #BF0080 ">(The thing I noticed right away was your tenses. On "page one," you stay in past tense. Here, you go from present to past and it doesn't work. Editing present to past tense would do wonders for you.) My father was a few metres away, he’d obviously tried to fight for mom, Josie and Thomas, but lost his life along the way.
“First Lucifer… Then my friends and family… When will this end?” I sobbed, gaining enough strength to wipe the tears, now black after mixing with my makeup, and push to my feet.
I kicked a stone angrily across the road.
I longed to have Lucifer touch me one last time, his arms to offer me some support, the way he always did, made me smile when I had nothing to smile about, kiss me when I needed him the most. The way he always knew when I was down, even though I never let it show.
Now he was gone, mom and dad were gone, Little Josie and Thomas’ charred remains were the only thing left.
“Jackson! Please get up!” I heard a voice call, strained and choked at the same time.
At first I thought it was a trap, to lure out the rest of the Shmettawing’s, but then, I gave in and went to investigate, only to find a boy, about my age, sobbing over a body that was covered in soot.
“Are… Are you okay?” I kneel down beside him and touch his shoulder gently, but he pulled away.
“Who are you?” He snaps, leaning protectively over the body.
“Jamie.”
“Oh… You’re were the girl who was…” He trailed off.
“Yes,” I ruffled my dress a little to show him, “Who is this..?”
I didn’t believe what I was seeing, so much destruction and loss, heartbreak and death… I never thought it would really come to this.
“Jackson… He’s my brother,” He finally turns to face me, and his jaw drops as he sees my wings.
I wiped some soot away from his face with the tips of my fingers. He looked vaguely familiar, but where had I seen him before? He’d never gone on a hunt with us, I hadn’t seen him on the beach… Where?
Lucifer… That’s how I knew him… He was Lucifer’s friend…
“What’s your name?” I asked, trying to distract myself from thoughts of my amazing Lucifer. #BF0080 ">I feel a bit like you've lost the emotion in the last few paragraphs. The sorrow for the deaths is missing. She's too strong, too soon, considering how she was earlier. I would suggest less thoughts of "amazing Lucifer" as he was alive and more trauma over the death of her "amazing Lucifer."
“Luca…” He didn’t take his eyes off my wings.
Were my wings really that big a deal?
A faint crash snapped me into reality. Slowly, it got louder and louder, closer and closer.
“We have to get out of here!” My head whipped around, mind on red alert.
He was reluctant to leave his brother’s remains, but I managed to pull him along to Lucifer’s house where I could find him some new clothes. His were now burnt and shredded. I also changed out of my wedding dress and into a shirt Lucifer wore the most along with his favourite pair of jeans… They still carried his comforting smell.
I also took the opportunity to clean my makeup off and take the pins out of my hair, putting the diamond pins on Lucifer’s counter in the bathroom.
As usual, I liked your writing, you just have a few small changes to make.
Good job, I look forward to reading more.
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