Young Writers Society

Hello there! After reading your poem, I decided I'd leave my first review for it!

Like someone mentioned below, in your first stanza you give away the ending (that your best friend passes away), and I feel like that would have been better used to build tension through the poem.

Otherwise, I actually love this poem! It's sad and it definitely made me emotional just reading it. I feel like the way you added the peer pressure ("Do you want to be popular? Do you want to be cool?") made it relatable, in that many many teens face very similar pressures. I think your overall flow and choice to rhyme helped the poem, as well, despite what someone else said. Overall, you did a wonderful job making an emotionally haunting poem! I look forward to hopefully reading more of your work!

Hi there, queenebea! cleverclogs here to review!

I think that my main problem with this poem isn't the subject you chose, but the way you chose to portray it. The rhyming just doesn't work at all. I generally reserve rhyming for childrens' poems or humorous poems, so it just seems really out of place here. It feels like you're making fun of the matter, like, "Look at the funny poem about death, children!" The rhyming just didn't sit well with me. There are certain subject matters that you just shouldn't use rhyming with unless you're 100% certain that you can make it work. The effect of this was also compounded by out-of-place phrases such as "cat's meow". Think about your subject matter for a minute. It's dark and serious, a sort of warning to people. Now think about the phrase "cat's meow". Does it really fit in there?

Another problem I had with this was that it seemed so unrealistic. I mean, does anyone actually go around saying, "do you want to be cool?" Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong and people actually do that, but to me it seems like something out of an anti-drug video that they show kids in health class. Also, unless the narrator has grown up without watching any of those videos, why would they be dumb enough to actually listen to the drug dude?

I don't know how to break it,
To her family and friends.
I only know that if we hadn't sniffed,
Her life wouldn't have had to end.

A portmanteau of anvil and delicious (or possibly vicious), anvilicious describes a writer's and/or director's use of an artistic element, be it line of dialogue, visual motif, or plot point, to so obviously or unsubtly convey a particular message that they may as well etch it onto an anvil and drop it on your head.

Very descriptive!
Hauntingly sad, but beautifully written.
It gives just the right amount of emotion to bring it to life.
It makes the reader FEEL the emotion you are writing.
Keep writing! Its amazing.
My only negative thing I have to say is that you give the ending in the beginning..... So the suspense or emotion doesn't build up because you already know whats going to happen.
So if you wanted to create a flood of emotion at the end, don't give up the ending. But that's just my opinion.

Overall: Amazing, beautiful, yet haunting. But don't give away the ending too soon!

A few plot holes.

I wasn't a big fan of this. A question I must ask is did they get drugged? What was the exact drug they used? This didn't effect me because there were so many questions left out in the open. You just told a story with no definite answer and I didn't enjoy that. You leave the audience questioning way too much, and that's a bit discouraging. I get that something went wrong, that drugs are bad, but you just told a pointless story. If a few points ended up fully delivering throughout the poem, then that would make it a great poem.

thanks.

Nice use of dialogue to go along with the vivid pictures this shows. The blood is also quite effective