Summary: Sherlock Holmes is a great detective. Sherual Watts is his great-great grand daughter. She's been around the world and back yet home called her back, as did her penchant for solving. But she finds herself in a tight spot when her detecting leads to the origin of her family, a mystery untouched by the ages - the Holmes mystery.
Rating: G
Chapter 1: Enter Sherual
She ducked under the outstretched arm of a woman reaching across from her cubicle to her friend next door and weaved around the people walking through the narrow corridor with arms weighed down by assorted papers, files and books, always keeping in sight the tell-tale swish of that black coat.
Leaving behind a mild case of disarray and chaos, she pounded after the shadow, who swiftly but silently navigated around the next few maze like passages.He never went fast enough to leave her far behind, but remained tantalisingly close, teasing cruelly, sometimes with only unclear glimpses as a clue to where he'd gone. Pausing briefly, he glanced around himself as though unsure before flitting away to his left, moving again with a lightness of foot unseen on such a tall man.
Her heart was already thudding from the adrenaline and the need to keep chasing the dark figure yet she pushed on a little harder before stopping where he had. Where'd he go? Looking to her left, she noticed the bank of lifts that adorned the far wall. She barely had time to see him wave and grin jauntily before a lift whisked him away. She immediately sprinted to the closest lift and stabbed its button, knowing that this particular building had lifts that mentioned the location of all the lifts in the area.
It seemed that the destination of the man was the roof, so she set her own to the same. Fingers pulling through her hair, she sank against a mirrored panel wall and concentrated on slowing her breathing.
-ping!- You are now approaching, your destination.
The man should have already reached. Straightening, she flung her her sweaty hair behind her in readiness to bolt as soon as the metallic doors opened.
The roof was only a place for clandestine meetings and impromptu breaks, a barren courtyard of concrete and cigarette breaks. She arrived in time to see him make a dramatic leap from the ten storey bulding to a lower residential flat. Stared as he landed buoyantly. He pirouetted and returned her stare with a cold one of his own. With largely exaggerated mouth movements, he clearly and loudly enunciated his words . He already knew she was an expert at lipreading.
"You will rue the day you were ever born, Sherual Watts." He turned and ran to the other end of the structure, another death-defying jump taking him out of her line of sight.
Her half-hearted scowl dropped, a befuddled expression taking place. She punted a conveniently placed beer can. It fell over, spilling dregs of leftover amber coloured liquid. Way to go, Sherlock.
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Feel free to cut this to pieces, I'll try my best to take your suggestions to heart. Plus, I'd like your opinions. Also, I'm not sure if this should be in action/adventure. DOn't you think it'd be really nice to have a mystery section?
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,028 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
BUBBLE,
I think your story so far is great. I really enjoy the heightened vocabularly. The overall tone of your writing is that of a mystery novel and so is pretty perfect. I like the name of the main character because it is different and unique. I also enjoyed the way the man she was pursuing mocked her during the chase. That was funny. As for criticism I don't have much to say. The only thing I really noticed was the semi-awkward wording of the very first sentence. It threw me off and didn't flow as well as the rest of the piece. I really enjoyed the visual image you created though. I also liked the end of the chapter. It was dramatic and satisfying. So all in all, I think you are off to a nice start.
Hi Bubbles!
Me thinks you can't use 'who' here after referring to shadow. Maybe you should say something like "after the shadow of the man silently navigating through..." Well, play around with words until you find something good.Well, I've read a few Sherlock's great-grand somebody stuff but this is a good read. I like it. I'm not sure though, if it should be placed here or the FanFics. Anywho, let's get nitpicky.
I think you need to add as 'she' to make the sentence feel complete.
Overall: The fast pace is good, but I think you're slightly overplaying it. Make it a little slower; concentrate in details, descriptions etc. Sherual is hardly described here, I need to form a definitive picture of her. That would help increase the length too. Hope this helps in editing this piece.
PM me if you have any questions.
Cheers,
-Lava
Hi, PenNPaper here to review!
This sounds confusing, maybe change it to 'to her friend next door'?
Okay that was all that I wanted to correct. The title doesn't seem to fit, there is no mystery here, or is there another part to this story? You described it well, with the necessary stuff and all that. Hopefully, there is another part to this, because this is a very abrupt stop.
Good luck and keep writing!