Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
I walk down a dark and narrow path on a foggy December morning, my orange hair straightened and my heavy gothic makeup applied to my face. I'm wearing my favorite black skinny jeans, a long sleeve shirt the color of blood, and my neon blue vans. It is windy as I walk and my hair whips around my face, occasionally obscuring my vision. A few more feet down the barren path and there is an option to go left or right. Before I can determine which way I need to go I am startled by a presence behind me.
The hair on my arms stands up straight and my legs twitch, wanting to run as fast as they can away from the terrifying creature behind me. Yet I am unable to move, I am frozen with fear. The heinous creature roughly grabs my arm with its freezing, pale hand and turns me around to face it. I look up into its electrifying green eyes and I am mesmerized by the depth and beauty I find in them. I cannot look away.
It takes advantage of my momentary paralysis and leans over, closer to my face and grazes its nose across the expanse of my neck while deeply inhaling the tantalizing scent of my blood. As it pulls away I slightly come out of my daze, enough to take in its appearance. I come to realize it is a man, and very handsome. He has skin as white as fresh snow, accentuated by his all black ensemble. He is tall in comparison to my short stature, five feet eleven inches maybe, with broad shoulders. He has a defined jaw line, clean shaven, and his lips are stained red from the blood of the victims shortly before me. He is the definition of tall, dark, and handsome. Everything about his looks makes me want to jump his bones right then and there, but the energy emanating off of him makes me quiver in fear for what is to come. He is a lethal killer, and he had me at first glance.
I am now aware of my imminent death, but no advances have been made yet. Suddenly I feel his intense, heated gaze upon my neck and I mistakenly look into his gorgeous green eyes. He moves in a furious blur, holding me still with immense strength he then plunges his razor sharp teeth into the tender flesh of my neck. I scream out in pure agony. As he continues to savagely gulp down my blood, quenching his unnatural thirst, my vision starts to fade away. My body goes limp just as my eyelids close shut. He extracts his now blood stained teeth from the new gash on my neck and drops my body onto the ground where I land with a heavy thud. He licks his lips and what blood his tongue does not capture he wipes away with the back of his large pale hand. Just as suddenly as he appeared he is gone, off to murder another innocent human, and I am left lying dead on a seldom used narrow path.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
This...was.... amazing.....
The wording was great. I loved how you worded everything!
The introduction was excellent. Loved it, don't think you need to change anything there.
The ending..... Was really really remarkable. The ending, I could imagine it very clearly! Like, I could see the story fading away, like one of those dreams, just seeing her lying on the ground and such and such.
But there was one teeny weeny problem: the plot.
The plot was just a girl, just taking a walk, the a vampire appears and bites her. Just seems like, I've already heard this kind of stuff. <- like that.
But all was good! Hoped this helped!
You have no idea how happy that makes me!
I am very glad you enjoyed it!
Yeah, I have never really written anything that required plot before. I generally write poetry but I want to write a story eventually so I'm trying to put my writing to the test. I am definitely going to be working on plot.
Thank you for reviewing! It did help!
The "seldom used narrow path" reminded me of a poem written by Robert Frost, seemed almost poetic itself. I think that this was pretty well written, the "definition of tall, dark, and handsome." part felt a little comedic, like it was meant to be cliche. I like how the narrator told the story even after they died, but I think it might have had more of a dramatic effect if the end was shrouded in mystery. Like if you ended it where they victim last remembered being drained of their blood. The language used was very nice and diverse, but sometimes it doesn't help the flow, extract makes me think of sterility, not a blood sucking vampire killing you in a dark alley. I like that fact that this is nice and short, easy to read and helps make more of an impact. Good job, look forward to reading more like this, a good "snapshot".
Wow. That's the only word I have, wow. This is extremely good! I love the description, the plot, everything! My skin actually crawled when you said:
He moves in a furious blur, holding me still with immense strength he then plunges his razor sharp teeth into the tender flesh of my neck. I scream out in pure agony. As he continues to savagely gulp down my blood, quenching his unnatural thirst, my vision starts to fade away. My body goes limp just as my eyelids close shut. He extracts his now blood stained teeth from the new gash on my neck and drops my body onto the ground where I land with a heavy thud. He licks his lips and what blood his tongue does not capture he wipes away with the back of his large pale hand. Just as suddenly as he appeared he is gone, off to murder another innocent human, and I am left lying dead on a seldom used narrow path.
This doesn't need ANY work, at all! PLEASE write more so that I can read it! Do you think that you could look at a few of my stories and give me a few pointers?
BookLover33
Thank you! I'm so glad you liked it! I will definitely be writing more!
Of course, I would love to read your work and I will be sure to review it!