I tell him I want to die
He says please don't cry
I say why shouldn't I?
There's no hope left in me
He whispers one last time, don't ever give up hope
And kisses me before I die
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Hello!
and welcome to YWS.
Just a few suggestions.
Please add a lot more description.
It's waay too short.
This has a whole lot of potential, but it just seems lacking, because you just state things, and don't show us anything.
Other than that
Nice job!
----------------------------
-jojo.
Okay. It's a pretty good poem. I got a little lost in the middle when the rhyming stopped, and the lack of pauses.
Also, I think maybe you could use a little more descriptive language, instead of saying "He/she says this"
You know, show not tell. It would give the reader a better feel of the poem, which is good, especially since yours is so short. It could flow a little more, because I felt at times that I was just reading a tiny piece a a chapter book that was compressed into smaller sentences.
Not bad!