The Ranger

qgadhia wrote:The Ranger



Over the hills and mountains beyond,

Living next to a shimmering pond,

Was a ranger with his sliver steed,

And to every call, he would take heed.



In the time of distress and trouble,

And in the late hour of pain,

Would stir the slumbering sage,

And put him into an uncontrollable rage.



Rise he would, to adorn his mighty pack,

And ride to aid without any tack,

His selfless deeds towards his race ran amok,

Never even ignoring the village flock.



This fevered frenzy did so last,

Till over 40 years had past,

His very own thoughts evaded his clutch

To lift a finger would cost him very much



When the hooves of the mare, were heard no more,

These signs, the village folk could not ignore,

Set out, they did, to find the cause of delay

Determined as iron, to drive it away.



The long journey didn’t cause any pain,

But from sight of the afflicted, it did not abstain,

Stayed the men, till his pulse wore out,

And the signs of his passing, shifted from doubt,



Brought him back to the village where the flowers bloom,

And buried him there within a marble tomb,

Put an epitaph over his head, “Here lies

Our Savior, for us he will never die"

I liked the story and your writing.
If it were me doing the creating I would of tried to find more interesting words, that is not a criticism though,
what is interesting to me may not be to you.
I am never for asking anyone to change their work, and here I remain the same way.
This is good, especially the second to last stanza.
Continue.

Hiya! I'm Rosey and I'll be your reviewer today.

The poem here is rather interesting, seeming to take from a tv show with a similar name? Anyway, I liked the overall theme of the poem, but I found the rhyme a bit forced. They created awkward lines because you were wanting to put certain words for rhyme's sake. Lines like this, especially, are awkward:

Rise he would, to adorn his mighty pack,

And ride to aid without any tack,

In this context, "pack" is almost read as a group and "tack" I find is used out of context. I consider "tack" to be one of the things that keeps a saddle on a horse (I forget the exact part/term).

I'd consider making this rhymeless, just for the sake of getting a better flow. The line I quoted was the worst, but most of your other stanzas don't have that great a flow because of the rhyme.

Overall, I did like the theme but the rhyme made the poem obscure to me.

PM me with questions.

~Rosey

Hello qgadhia!

Today I shall review your poem.

So, to begin with, I would like to say that I quite enjoyed this piece of work. But I believe I have some suggestions as to how I can be improved.

What I liked most about this poem was the story, however I think that some of the rhyme was a bit stretched, and when read doesn’t seem to flow very well. This can also cause the poem to be difficult to read aloud.

So I suggest these changes to make the poem flow a little better:

Over the hills and mountains beyond,

Living next to a shimmering pond,

Was a ranger with his sliver steed,

And to every call, he would take heed.

A comma after ‘ranger’ so that the reader pauses, this would also let the reader take a breath if reading aloud.

In the time of distress and trouble,

And in the late hour of pain,

Would stir the slumbering sage,

And put him into an uncontrollable rage.

I am afraid to say that I do not like stanza two. I suggest this instead;

‘In the time of distress and trouble,
And in the late hour of pain,
Would burst the sage’s sleepy bubble,
And make him not think in disdain.’

This is only a suggestion, and possibly one that you may not wish to include, however the lack of rhyme here unbalances the poem in my opinion.

Rise he would, to adorn his mighty pack,

And ride to aid without any tack,

His selfless deeds towards his race ran amok,

Never even ignoring the village flock.

I think again that a comma between ‘deeds’ and ‘towards’ would pace the stanza a little better.

To lift a finger would cost him very much

I like this stanza, it is my favorite in the poem, however I think you should remove ‘very’ here. This is because I think that there are too many syllables in this line.

These signs, the village folk could not ignore,

I like this stanza too but I think that you should either:
1- Move the comma to after ‘folk’
2- Place an additional comma after ‘folk’

I didn’t really understand this stanza I’m afraid so there’s not much I can say about it.

Brought him back to the village where the flowers bloom,

And buried him there within a marble tomb,

Put an epitaph over his head, “Here lies

Our Savior, for us he will never die"

This stanza is really good, however I would put a comma after ‘village’, and change the final (two) lines. I thought something along the lines of;

‘Put an epitaph over his head, “Here lies
Our Savior, who shall never be dead.”’

Or

‘Put an epitaph over his head, “Here he lie
Our Savior, for us he will never die."’

Overall I really like this poem and with a few tweaks I think it will be even better, keep up the good work!

~MindYourHead