Published August 27, 2009
The Lily
The sight of the single white lily,
Ends my evening stroll,
The sight of it in my eyes,
Makes every known, unknown…
The immortal wind blows across,
And skims through the flat plains,
It dances over the fragile leaves,
And brings with it the gentle rain…
The pitter patter on the lily,
Increases its beauty two fold,
The brilliance is as such,
It would outshine a mountain of gold…
Surrounded by its glorious foes,
Standing apart from the rest,
It is this single white flower,
That I value above the very best....
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141,368 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
This was, purely and simply, a beautiful poem. The imagery is at once rich, sensual, delicate, and evocative. I could see, hear, and feel everything you described. This poem proves that the joys of life truly are in the small things.
I applaud you.
Overall, nice job! Your topic is quite unique. It's a good break from all the love poems, so I really appreciate this one.
But of course, I have some suggestions to make it better:
I'm having a bit of a problem with the first stanza. The first line is a little redundant (but that's just my personal opinion)and a bit too long; maybe just cut it down to ".. of a white lily"? On the third line, you re-used the word "sight". Maybe you can use another synonym? Or maybe you can remove the words "the sight of the" from the first line, so you're left with "A single white lily,".
I see you have a slight inconsistency in rhyme. I suggest you revise the second line as such: "and skims through a flat plain." Aside from that, i should say, this is my favorite part. Great imagery.
As you may have noticed from the previous stanzas,I made some small corrections with regards to capitalization and punctuation. I get this a lot, so I thought I'd return the favor.
This is quite a simple poem. I think it would've been better if there was more depth in it, say using the lily as a symbol for something. But that's just a friendly advise based on personal preference. Again, good job! Come up with more unique ideas(I'm bad at this one)! Hope this helps! Take care, dear!
First review. Sorry.
Yeah, i really liked it. It certainly conveyed an atmosphere, and i liked how it started talking about the lily, and then the rest of the poem broadened out to include a lot more about nature. Possibly some adjectives were a little forced (immortal?) but otherwise, yeah, very good.
God I hate reviewing already. It's so judgemental!
I like it really makes you appreciate nature.
Bravo!
No, I'm not trying to bug you by posting on every single one of your posts:) I really liked your poem. The rhythm was good and it flowed nicely as I read it. Keep up the good work and you'll be an author in no time
~Dakota