Published November 19, 2009
**** this came from a writing assignment from a book called 'the write brain' (an amazing book!!check it out= http://www.bonnieneubauer.com/writebrain.shtml)
Just looking for some opinions...*****
Dearest Allison,
Thank you ,thank you my darling! Without you I wouldn't be possible.
No really,I wouldn't exist! You made me up.
You gave me my beautiful,melodious voice,my glimmering golden skin,and long shining auburn hair. Everywhere I go people compliment me on my flawless smile, and perfect beauty.
I love traveling the world! I have been everywhere imaginable and unimaginable. After a long month,or sometimes even a year of exploring the earth, I like to retire to my home: my very own undiscovered private island! I can't thank you enough for giving me a peaceful and stunning place to live.
I hope to be seeing you soon.
Maybe we could get together sometime and go shopping. Oh,and I know an amazing Italian restaurant in New York.
Thanks so much again!
Ciao for now dahling!
Catalina Trinoline
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141,399 Literary Works • 674,387 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well this is a very intriguing note for us to start off with here. The letter starts off pretty normal as far as that very first few paragraphs are concerned but the moment that we actually get into that first paragraph here things really do get very exciting here, especially with how simply and casually we have this declaration of you made me. Its not too much of a stretch to simply see it as someone thanking a teacher of some sort but there's something in the way its phrased that gives it a little more ambiguity and seems to hint at a more literal creator and that's a lovely place to start.
Now this part is a little more confusing and adds more to the ambiguity. While it sounds plausible enough if you squint a little, some of these declarations make it almost sound like this is a letter the character in a novel would write to the author. It definitely ends up leading towards quite a lot of very interesting questions here with some of the details this person throws in. All in all, its a lovely piece I think, keeps you guessing, has a nice little sense of mystery and I think it ends off on a slightly random but oddly fitting spot there.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Kate
Hi there!
. Keep writing, but remember: backbone!
First of all, I love your title, although that probably seems redundant by now.However, your story, to quote the last post "is built on sunshine and daisies." which you can't really do. If you could add a backbone and more of a plot line, this would really shape up. I can kind of tell that you wanted to just put out some emotions, which is great
It's good (although I can't say good idea because it comes from a book), but there's no conflict or anything to make it interesting. Even the muse-ness falls flat because of this. Your 'muse' isn't a muse at all, really. She is basically a prissy little Mary Sue rich girl. Stories can't be built on sunshine and daisies- it doesn't work like that. Give the story some shove. Show what the muse does instead of just telling. Or expand it by contrasting the muse with, say, a troubled writer. You need something to go wrong, some forces to oppose, or everything you write will just sound like self indulgence in how many cool adjectives you can describe your muse with or how many interesting things your muse does. I say this in pretty much every review: everything you write should make a point. You should be able to ask, 'what is this story about', and not just get a recital of the plot.
Keep writing.
-Critiq
Hi!
Well, I really like the title and continued reading this. It's quite good! I'm going to be quite short here.
I think you need to capitalize your "I's." (Sorry, but I find uncapitalized i's really annoying.)
'New York' needs capital letters.
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Keep writing!
~Lava
Hello, I like the title. I think you should keep writing with this idea!
It sounds like Catalina(like the name) is imaginary?
Maybe say, "imaginable, literally imaginable." or simply, "imaginable and unimaginable."
think you mean thank?
Keep writing!