Ha, it's lookin' purdy purdy good, even though it was written in math class and all. I'm just glad the team isn't attacked by hordes of vicious square root signs and and the dreaded quadratic equation.
But anyway, on to my critique:
The sounds of the dead and dying were everywhere.
Do dead things really make noises? It feels like a noun is missing, or something like that. Dead and dying... people? creatures? souls? broccoli? You could also reword it to say something along the lines of "The sounds of death was everywhere." But now I'm tearing that apart; I'm sorry! Do what you will.
The monolithic buildings of glass exploding from percussion.
First off, monolithic is an awesome word. All things considered, though, this is a confusing sentence--you mean to say the buildings themselves are made of glass? If so, then don't correct that part of it. Also, the sentence is a fragment. Unless you wish to keep it as such, change it to "The monolithic buildings of glass exploded from percussion." or "The monolithic buildings of glass were exploding from percussion." Lastly, are you sure you mean percussion? I think you're thinking of the word "concussion," actually, in which case you'd need to put something like "The monolithic buildings of glass were shattering from the concussion of explosions." Son of a pickle, I've digressed again.
fell on the body's
...should be "bodies".
plummeted from some where in the sky
I'd correct you that it should be "somewhere," but that feels like a weak word. How about removing it entirely? "Jets and alien machines plummeted from the sky" has more punch.
the cold blade of Death.
A vivid visual description, but the capitalization of "death" gives me the impression that everyone is running from an anorexic creature with a black blanket and a farming tool. I'd recommend having no caps.
escape the city this way
Saying "this way" is redundant; take it out.
who got violent
"Got" is a very weak work; how about "turned"?
hardly visible by the little light the fluorescent flares
Okay, now I'm getting picky. By all technical standards, I don't believe a "flare," which is usually light produced by flame, can be "fluorescent," which is usually light produced by making phosphorous glow with UV light. But hey, it's the future; take your pick.
The following information is for AAE only.
This information is for the Assault and Extraction team, right? Generally, the "and" in a group's name is left out in the acronym, so you should either have it the "AE," "AET" (in which case "team" probably should be capitalized), or change team to squad, force, or another name. Assault and Extraction Force? AEF! Or, if you really really want to, it could be the Extraction and Assault Team, for "EAT." So I haven't had lunch today.
Your mission: Survive insertion
No cap on "survive."
successful completion of the mission you will be
Add comma after "mission."
The drop will take place above the library.
Don't the aliens already hold the airspace directly about the library?
"Exactly that." Said a more heavyset man
Should read, "Exactly that," said a more heavyset man".
was a grunts job, and should be carried out by a grunt.
"was a grunt's job, meant to be carried out by a grunt."
Tarry and Me drop in on the roof;
The norm, for what I've seen, to spell "Tarry" is "Terry," but that's your choice. Yet unless the people became so cruel from the alien attacks that they started naming their children after antecedents, "Me" should not be capitalized. In fact, in context it should be "I," which should be capitalized.
John got a few looks at the last name, Laura didn't work very will with Ben,
"John received a few looks of dismay at Laura's name; she didn't work very well with Ben,"
Besides a few disgruntled looks from Ben, who looked thoroughly disgusted, and Laura,
"Besides a few digruntled and digusted looks from Ben and Laura,"
It was almost quiet enough to hear the dripping from the sewage pipes, almost.
The inside of the tent was almost completely bare
Almost? Are we absolutely sure of this? I'd remove every almost except the very first one in the first sentence, and perhaps change it to "nearly."
There was also a table lined with computers with satalite (what was left of them) connections
Correct "satellite," and take out "(what was left of them)". We've long since determined that everything is in a haphazard state of partial destruction; let the imagination take this idea by itself.
because the aliens seemed to be cold blooded
Correct "cold-blooded." And, as much as I hate to tell you this, cold-blooded creatures can still be seen with thermal technology. (I seriously don't know this all off the top of my head; I simply do a quick research.) To remedy this issue, you can simply say that the aliens have some kind of technology or brain wave pattern or voodoo magic that renders such technology useless.
All it had were a bunch of books and video's, and maybe some worn out computers.
"All it had was a bunch of books and videos, and possibly some worn-out computers."
"Isn't it possible that they could use the libraries resources to learn about our ships, planes, and weapons?"
Ha! I just had a silly thought; "be careful who you're talking to online--they may be an alien!!" Sorry, I just saw a picture in my mind of your aliens surfing the web, and oh, did my imagination run with it. Don't worry, that's not a problem--though the spelling of "library's" is.
Everybody elses eyes darkened,
"Everyone else's eyes darkened,"
"You might be onto something." Stated the general,
"You might be on to something," stated the general,"
The rule of thumb when writing dialogue is that if the tag line ("stated the general") comes immediately after the character's dialogue, you end the character's dialogue not with a period but with a comma. Also, you don't capitalize the tag; just remember, it's still one sentence, and you don't put periods or unwarranted capitalizations in the middle of one sentence.
Saluting, John turned on his heel and leaft.
Now, I'm no military man, but isn't there a specific term that means "turned on his heel"? I think it's "made an about-face," but don't change it to that on my account. If nothing else, turn it to "John pivoted away." Spelling of "left" needs fixin', too.
He had no time to waste, the alien threat could take the information
"He had no time to waste; the alien threat"
once ouside of the tent he breaks into a run to the hangar.
"Once outside the tend, he broke into a run to the hangar."
Arriving at the hangar, he gets salutes and two soldiers walk up to him.
There's that change of tense of which you spoke. It should be "Once he arrived, he received salutes and two soldiers walked up to him."
They salute and tell him to follow. They walk to the back of the hangar to an equipment storage room.
"They saluted and told him to follow, leading him to the back of a hangar into an equipment storage room."
There were several empty racks, the sudden invasion
Change comma to semi-colon.
with the insignia of the AAE
Make certain that any changes you make earlier in the tale is reflected here.
specially made weapons
"specially-made weapons"
The gel was warm around his hand, causing his hand to sweat slightly. The gel released a blast, making his hand freeze, causing the pores on his hand to contract to get a more accurate scan. The "blast and scan", as it's called, lasts only a few seconds.
"The gel was warm around his hand, causing his hand to sweat lightly. The gel released a blast of ice, causing his pores to contract. The "blast and scan," as it was called, lasted only for a few seconds."
...And that's all you have, so that's all I have!
Ways to improve:
Better integrate the characters' descriptions.
Avoid use of words like "got," "just," and "there," Basically, filler words.
You did well! Seriously. I could easily visualize the scenes you portrayed, and I was kept interested until the end. At times, the story did seem a little overdone (eg. other people have done it before), but that's really not much of an issue. Simply work on finding better words throughout the story, and you should be good! I've made a reference to a younger writer earlier on this forum, and I'll say it to you too--your style of writing reminds me of myself when I was about your age (which is only two years' difference, imagine!). Keep up the work! I'll have to keep watch for coming installments.
~Tarver
Points: 890
Reviews: 19
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