Published August 23, 2010
Every year I go to South Carolina for a few weeks with my family, and every year I find myself writing a poem about what I experience. I have to admit that this is not my best South Carolina poem, but it is my latest. Critique if you wish.
The sand between my toes
Is a cushion of shells
Ground to dust by the endless waves
That become my lullaby
These summer nights by the sea.
My skin turns to leather
As the sun showers me with kisses.
My skin, as dark as the mud in the marshes,
Is the embrace of an old friend
These summer nights by the sea.
The mockingbird cries
And the tree frogs hum
In time with the crackling fire.
They sing with us in celebration
These summer nights by the sea.
The twilight air quickly runs dark,
Chasing the sun over the dunes
Before exploding into billions of fragments of light.
They keep me company
These summer nights by the sea.
It feels lacking to me, in my own opinion. Share with me your thoughts?
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141,397 Literary Works • 674,387 Reviews
Maybe they're refering to the leather skin being like an old friend, as in they're remembering the same feeling from the last visit, and it's comforting, like a friend?
I like this poem. I've never been to South Carolina, but the way you've described it in your poem makes it sound nice. As mentioned before, I like the repetative line
I think I might try a poem in a similar format, 'cause I really like this
Hm. As for the lacking... It's your duty as the author to figure out what's lacking. Maybe you need to add more detail?
Hi there
Okay, so I thought this piece was very good.. the word choice was great, the phrasing pretty, and the imagery was gorgeous. However, for some reason, it just wasn't grabbing. I couldn't relate, I couldn't emotionally connect in any way. I would think about adding to this a bit, maybe beef it up with some more emotion.
However, like I said.. this was a very pretty piece. Nice job.
-Coral-
I really liked this.
I think, like the reviewer before me, you could make it not-lacking by adding a stanza or so. I don't have much to nitpick, because this was quite good.
Like the review above me, I must ask, how is your skin like the embrace of an old friend?
Other than that, I have nothing to nitpick because you captured that moment--summer nights in SC--quite well.
Keep Writing!
~Sporks
I really like this poem, especially since I was just in South Carolina for vacation. How you say it feels lacking to you, I just feel maybe you could add a stanza or something. Also, I really like the repetition and your descriptions.
I don't really see how your skin is the embrace of an old friend, unless you meant because of the sun-kissed part.
The last stanza is my favorite, especially the ending with the stars.
Good job and keep writing!
Hey! I'll be your reviewer for today!
I really liked this, I've never been to South Carolina, but the way you described it I could see it perfectly. You ask me what is lacking, I really don't know. I liked how you use repetition and how you really described it. You didn't exactly tell us what you were doing, but I could tell that you meant to. I really thought it was great. Good job!
~Fireflight