Hi!! I did this one in a rush but I hope you enjoy it.
**** ****
In a lonely room she cries
Waiting patiently for the pain to ease,
eagerly expecting for her tears to dry,
and finally finding a way out of the
darkness.
She feels broken, lonely.
The betrayal she could not afford.
And now it haunts her like a demon,
following her every step and
looking for more flesh.
The emotions that had been building in her chest
press against her lungs like a steely knife.
The pain she can't bear, air in her lungs she can't find.
Her mind is becoming an insane machine of
used-to-be's and once-upon-a-time sunsets.
Night extends its sheer dark blanket over her.
And from the blackened horizon the moon smiles at her.
But she doesn't see it.
From the far away northern sky, comes a star,
but she refuses to see its splendor.
When nightitme falls across the sky
and the twilight of another day held its hand at her,
a lonely tear ran down her cheek.
And she refuses to see the magnificence of a nother day.
She begs, she sobs, and with teary eyes
sees the beautiful white shadow of endless peace
and quite sleepness for the tired soul
that she can no more bear.
She extends her hand at it.
Cold and solid she feels the shadow.
Sharp against her skin, painful
as a broken heart and swift
as the kiss of a nighttime lover.
But at least it will give her peace.
And yes. It was swift. The pain stopped.
A sudden stillness crawled through her body
like the crimson fluid that used to live within her.
Her eyes don't ache anymore, for they are close
Her tears are no more running, for there are no more left.
And her heart, the heart that had beeing hurt,
the heart that had been damaged, has stopped feeling.
No more tears, no more wounds.
And in a lonely room lies a chair,
where she used to wait patiently
for her pain to ease.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,016 Literary Works • 672,852 Reviews
Oh my, now I feel quite saddened... nice nice work (:
I'm really not sure if there is anything you could of done better to be honest,
Well written; perhaps the flow of the whole narrative could of been a little smoother but I'm just nitpicking here.
*Applause*
I loved this. I really, really loved it. Being someone who has been in that situation before, you captured the emotions perfectly. It's deep and meaningful...just beautiful.
There are a few grammatical and spelling errors, but as far as I can see they've all been pointed out already, so I'll just leave you with this.
Really, really amazing.
Vampyre
that she can no more bear.
She extends her hand at it.
Cold and solid she feels the shadow.
Sharp against her skin, painful
as a broken heart and swift
as the kiss of a night SPACE time lover.
But at least it will give her peace.
And yes COMMA it was swift. The pain stopped.
A sudden stillness crawled through her body
like the crimson fluid that used to live within her.
Her eyes don't ache anymore, for they are close
Her tears are no more running, for there are no more left.
And her heart, the heart that had being hurt,
the heart that had been damaged, has stopped feeling.
No more tears, no more wounds.
And in a lonely room lies a chair,
where she used to wait patiently
for her pain to ease.[/quote]
I REALLY ENJOYED THIS AND IT IS SOOOO SAD BUT SO TRUE WHICH IS WHAT I LIKE ABOUT IT THANK YOU FOR SHARING
IS she looking for an out or EXPECTING one?
What's following her? A demon, her past? What? Its a mystery.
What's hurting her and chantging her?
Sometyhings holding her, what?
Is she afraid to see another day? Or unable to?
Somethings got her, but what? No one knows. What's gotten her like this?
OMG is she about to kill herself?
What's going on? Is she dead? Frozen?
She's gone!
Wow, that's really good, I tyhink you did good.
This poem does have great potential. Just work on it a little bit and it will have even greater potential.
Hi Juni! Kat's here for a review -- as promised!
I. Details, details!
Here I'll disagree with both Eli, above, and roon. This is worded just right, in an order that has something lyrical to it, and the only thing missing is a comma, but not exactly where roon said it should be. I think it would better after 'room'.
Here, I have two advices that will therefore change the whole rest of the stanza. If you dis-capitalize 'waiting', and replace the comma for a period, it would flow better. I understand why you put this like this, for this should be the start of the third line, as if the line below is the continuation of this one. But if you reword the third line, this could be a continuation of the first one, therefore giving it a more deeper feeling, than just saying she is crying in an empty room.
Here you use the continuous tense, which I suggest you cut out. It gives the wrong feeling to this, as if you're just enumerating the things that are happening. So, I'll suggest something like this: 'Eagerly, she waits for her tears to dry,
and to finally find a way out of the dark.'
Two things I changed here: I think awaits sounds better than expects because it's as if she's despaired for it to happen, and dark, because darkness sounds awfully common. Remember, these are just suggestions!
I just wanna say, bravo! Best line, so far
Here, I feel like there's a verb missing after flesh. Like more flesh to devour, or something.
There's an 'up' missing after building (making it 'building up'), and a comma after chest, please. 'Press' should be pressed; little tense thing.Nice comparison.
The order here is messed up; it ruins your flow. 'She can't bear the pain, no air in her lungs' or something ^.^ Again, these are only suggestions! You have no need or obligation to follow them, I am just trying to find ways to help you improve your writing.
Three quick suggestions: Comma after 'sheer', but there's no need for one after 'dark'. Turn the first period to a comma. Also, in the second line, dis-capitalize the 'and' and take out blackened -- it's a nice detail, but you've mentioned it already, so it's only stomping the way.
I suggest you replace 'she' with the girl or something, just because you always use she. It also has one more syllable, so it gives a better strike to your flow.
Typo? It's supposed to be 'nighttime' and comma after sky. This is a bit confusing, because on the other stanza you said night had already fallen.
Another.
Trade 'more' for longer, because it sounds better, and consider using another verb instead of 'bear', since you've already used it.
'Close' should be closed.
II. Flow
Amazingly, even with all the different lengths of lines, this flowed very well! The only part where I noticed that it was a bit sketchy, was the 'darkness' that was put on single line on the end of the first stanza.
III. Wording
I am more than impressed, Juni! Your wording was... fabulous. You managed to explain everything, with great comparisons and metaphors, while in some points you did repeat some you had already used, it still wasn't bad. Meaning, you pulled off repetition. Best poem of yours, by what I've read of what you've posted. As the poem was coming to an end, it gain even more power. The stanza right before the last one just killed me. It was beautiful.
Everything I pointed out above, were minor things. Hope I've helped!
- Kat
Hello Pudin. I really enjoyed your poem. It was definatley better than anything that you've ever wrote before. I do have a few nitpicks, though.
I think 'she cries in a lonely room' flows a little bit better.
This i redunant, and it dosen't flow very well with the rest of the piece.
Should be 'pressed'.
The night?
Period after 'eyes'
That's all! Amazing job; PM me if you have any questions.
Hi!!
Thanks so musch for the review, Roon. It is really cool that you liked my poem, thanks so much!!
Pudin
Hello, Roon here! This is amazing, I'll start with nitpicks!
Okay, other than that, this was stunning. Your use of language is divine, and the mood you create is wonderful! You just need to watch the typo's and grammar. Imagine you are writing a normal paragraph, the same rules apply. Also, you don't need a capitalisation at the start of each line. You really portray the emotion, it's amazing how well we can feel what the she is feeling. You take us inside her head, well done. The only things you need to concern yourself about are the little bits, that distract us from the rest of the poem. Your writing style is beautiful, so well done indeed!
Thank you for posting, if you ever need another review, please just let me know! Thanks again, this was wonderful!
~ Roon
Alright review time. I love this, it is so sad but so real. I see a lot of typo's though. I think if you fix them it will be a lot easier to read. All you have to do is look through it for them. I do like this though.
Keep Writing
-Flower-