“Student attention needs to return to learning in the classroom, rather than how they look when they are in that classroom” One of the biggest debates there are is should schools require uniforms or not. Students need uniforms so there would be reduced bullying, and appropriate clothing. Although a strong case could be made that uniforms are expensive, this reasoning is unconvincing because the costs of uniforms will help parents in the long run because of clothes trends that make students buy new clothing every few months because they have no uniforms.
First of all, students need uniforms because bullies tend to make fun of other students based on their looks. Students are also bullied because of what they wear and their unfashionable clothing. Another important reason why uniforms are essential are that students will no longer be distinguished by what economic class they’re in. I used to go to a school where there was no uniform policy in Canada and got bullied there because of what I wore back then. I got bullied by this one kid so often that my teacher got fed up with me telling her all the time. Furthermore, many are made fun of because of their religious clothing. Uniforms are an excellent way to solve this dilemma. In a school where everyone wears the same clothing, it is hard to make fun of what a student's clothes look like when you are wearing the same uniform too. Bullies will have less people to make fun of when they cannot insult others in the same clothes.
In addition, many students nowadays dress inappropriately due to lack of uniforms. Students dress in short skirts and tank tops claiming it to be freedom of expression and causing debates among students and teachers about what types of clothes are appropriate. Some students dress so openly that other students of the opposite sex ogle at them all day long which distracts from their studies. A teacher at my school states that he had a similar problem with students when he was teaching at a previous school. He finds it ridiculous that some students dressed so openly that others couldn’t help but outright gawk at them. Uniforms will solve this problem and cease all debate. School uniforms are already fitting so students will be dressed appropriately.
Many would argue that uniforms are too expensive for parents to afford. According to the Telegraph, the author states that “Hundreds of thousands of parents are being forced to pay twice for school uniforms” This illustrates that uniforms are too costly for parents to afford and so this is one reason why some may not want uniforms. While this is true, with uniforms there are no competition to dress in the latest trend, and students would not have to worry about peer pressure. Although some might claim that uniforms are expensive, these uniforms will help in the long run, not only in bullying but also costs. Parents will also have no financial pressure on themselves with students wearing one set of clothing for years instead of buying new clothes every few months because of new trends.
In conclusion, students need uniforms so it would diminish bullying, enforce appropriate dress codes, and cause no financial pressure on parents due to costs. Some may think that uniforms are too expensive, but changes in trends will require students to buy products accordingly. As a result, the cost of a couple sets of uniforms will amount to much less than buying new clothes every month. If uniforms aren’t enforced on schools, everyone will suffer the dire consequences because then students will stare permanently at each other and won’t be able to study, teachers will argue indefinitely with students about clothing, and parents will endlessly buy clothes for their children because of new trends.
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Hello, InfiniteRectangles here with a review for you!
First, you have a strong opinion on this, and you've made it clear which side you are on. That being said, a formal essay should never be fueled by personal opinion but rather with facts. Anecdotes are fine, they can even make an essay stronger, but this seemed pretty biased. Just because you personally had issues with bullying doesn't mean that everyone did. Try providing some statistics to provide some evidence to your "facts". Otherwise, they're just opinions.
The next point I will address is that every essay needs to have a strong, valid thesis statement which will be the focus of your essay. This is something you seem to lack. Your essay as a whole has potential, but as it is, it is quite unorganized and nothing really stands out at me. When you are writing a formal essay, you want to make sure you are being as professional as possible, and using phrases such as "first of all" aren't very formal and don't provide your essay with a lot of credibility. You also want to avoid using "I" "me" "you" and things like that. Essays should be written in third person (with the exception of an anecdote), and should never address the reader personally, i.e. "you". This is something I noticed you haven't done, and that's good. But you did use "I" quite a bit, so just be careful how you word things.
Your essay seemed to focus mostly on bullying and expenses, which can be two strong arguments for school uniforms, but your delivery of these points seemed a bit weak, which made your entire essay weak. Mostly what I noticed here was a lot of rambling and not a lot of evidence. For example, you kept mentioning how in the long run it is cheaper to purchase uniforms because parents won't have to deal with changing styles, but that isn't necessarily true. Students only have to wear those uniforms during the school day, so it isn't like the student's closet will be filled with uniforms. As soon as they get out of school they will likely change into something more fashionable, especially when going out with friends, so parents will still have to buy their children non-uniform clothing. If you are going to use expenses as an argument you have to take into account all factors that affect it and provide strong, sound evidence to support your claim.
Overall, your essay is okay, but it could use some improvement. You have a lot of potential though, and with practice and editing I'm sure you could make this into a really jam-up essay! Keep writing and have a wonderful day/night!
P.S. I hope I didn't sound too rude. I was honestly just trying to help!
Hey there ptran20. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
Your title, description, and introductory statement need a little bit of work. I'll start with the title seeing as it is the first thing a potential reader will see.
The misspelled word made me instantly dislike the piece. Please change "Unifroms" to "Uniforms" before continuing with the rest of my suggested edits. This title is almost misleading because it sounds like the students are demanding that they have to wear uniforms and not be able to show their creative side. If you were looking for that tone, why not provide evidence from a student besides yourself who wanted uniforms.
Now onto your description.
Besides the lack of punctuation, this is not at all interesting. You could reword the first part to avoid confusion and to reel in readers. How about this version?
Then with the second part you still need to do some changes. You already have the reader part of the way hooked but now you just lost them. You can't order them to "read on" you need to let them decide. Either re-word this part or ditch it completely.
And finally the first sentence of the first paragraph. My analysis of the first paragraph as a whole will be saved for the next paragraph.
You started with a quote which is pretty good except it was also a link. This means the reader would read the quote, go and read the other article, and then come back to your piece. Now if that article supported everything you said they would have no reason to read yours. They have just been informed of everything going on. If you still want to give credit make a reference in parenthesis after the quote.
First Paragraph
I think it would be easiest if I just put the entire paragraph in quotes and then typed my notes at the bottom.
-Where is the thesis statement telling me exactly what support you are going to use? oh wait, there is only a half finished one. I think I will be able to apply my mad essay skills to help your thesis statement. The first part of the thesis needs to say about why uniforms should be mandatory. The second part will be a summary of your second paragraph(first body paragraph) and the third part a summary of your third paragraph(second body paragraph). Fourth and final part will be about your fourth paragraph(third and last body paragraph.) Try this one on for size.
My version is pretty rough but you know what I mean. This thesis statement means you no longer need all of these long, wordy, drawn out lines.
So get rid of them.
Second Paragraph
I don't have very much to say about your second paragraph so no need to paste.
This was a good sentence except you made it into a link. This is hurting the piece more than helping it. If you still want those articles put them in bold at the bottom. Why not say something like this...
That looks much nicer and now the reader would have finished your piece before being distracted by the articles.
Third Paragraph
I only have one comment on the third paragraph and then you can be on your merry way to reading my analysis for paragraph 4.
So you say a teacher is stating something. Then this is your version/interpretation of what he said. It would be better if you took a direct quote from this teacher and then say he preferred to stay anonymous. This way you would have actual evidence from someone who was right there instead of borrowing from an article who already borrowed off of somebody else.
Fourth Paragraph
I lost attention at the link again. It really would be best to place your references separate from your quote. You also need a period on the end of the quote.
Fifth Paragraph
Your conclusion paragraph was actually pretty good. It wrapped up everything nicely but it was missing the bow. Don't reword the last line. Just circle it around to something you said in the beginning or with another quote.
Well that's about all I have for this review. Sorry if I couldn't offer anymore advice, my hands were getting tired from so much typing. If you have any questions about this review feel free to PM me.
Have a nice day.
-lizzy