You and me, we're like a centipede
we share our eyes, our ears, our hands, our feet
this makes it awfully difficult when you disagree, you see
for our legs to work in unison you need to follow me...
For of what use would a centipede be
if it's hundreds of limbs refused to act co-operatively?
Well, we'd be stuck in a rut, circling for eternity,
if you were forever travelling improperly.
Perhaps I'm insane, but I thought we were a team?
I thought this was an arrangement of which we both had agreed?
That we'd share the strain of marriage and the troubles it brings...
...or maybe I'm the only one who values the bond of our wedding rings.
You stare at me with those eyes, old glorious black and blue
the twinkle bled out where the youth used to shine through,
you question my motives, but darling! I question yours too!
Why do centipede do, what centipede do?
You scream "monster!" In that shrill tone I've come to expect,
and you must understand that I am aching with regret
each time I resign to our broken-springed bed -
I hate the images that circle my head...
But you and me, we're like centipedes,
we share each bruise, cracked bone, drop of blood that we bleed
which makes it awfully difficult when you disagree, you see
for each time that I hurt you, it in turn hurts me.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I find this centepede business quite interesting, and i like it i reckon. however, i feel you should go more into the ways of the centepede and less into the ways of the married couple. i comprehend that you want to show this conjoination in a marriage but i find myself far more intregued in the lives of the centepede and frankly i find marriage rather dull.
all in all i do appreciate that you have put this into the world, it wouldnt be the same with out it.
secondly in all, i think you should leave it just as it is but perhaps write another poem about the centepede, i feel he/she needs some more attention and this little hundred limbed centepede could wriggle its way to become a masterpiece. in a new poetry form. use reviews as advice for new poems. never change your work. you did that. its fab. just write more about centepedes
This is how I think the poem should be maybe its just me.
You and I, we're like a centipede
We share our eyes, ears, hands and feet
This makes it awfully difficult when we disagree
For our legs to work in unison you need to follow me...
For of what use would a centipede be
if it's hundreds of limbs refused to act co-operatively?
Well, we'd be stuck in a rut, circling for eternity,
(I know you are trying to create rythm here but it doesn't fit)
if we were forever traveling in different direction
Perhaps I'm insane, but I thought we were a team?
I thought this was an arrangement of which we both had agreed?
That we'd share the strain of marriage and the troubles it brings...
...or maybe I'm the only one who values the bond of our wedding rings.
You stare at me with those eyes, old glorious black and blue
the twinkle bled out where the youth used to shine through,
you question my motives, but darling! I question yours too!
Why do centipede do, what centipede do?
You scream "monster!" In that shrill tone I've come to expect,
and you must understand that I am aching with regret
each time I resign to our broken-springed bed -
I hate the images that circle my head...
But you and me, we're like centipedes,
we share bruises, cracked bones, drops of blood that we bleed
which makes it awfully difficult when you disagree,
for each time that I hurt you, I hurts myself.
I enjoyed reading this, I could tell that you DID have emotion when writing this. But you might not want to space out so many times, and make sure when you do, you put commas when they are needed, or a period or anything like that.
Overall, I liked this poem. Just reread and make sure you have everythings in check. Of course it's okay to make mistakes, it's apart of learning.Keep writing.
-M.H. Darling.