z

Young Writers Society



vengeance (chapter eight)

by psudiname


Chapter eight

The door opened reluctantly with a loud creaking sound, as if hundreds of tiny pieces of wood were splintering simultaneously. As I stepped into the room beyond, the tribal bongo drums ceased all at once. Silence filled the air, and my eyes began to adjust to the new lighting, as the room was only lit by a series of candles. Tendrils of white mist covered the floor, constantly being emitted from some unknown location. They swirled around at ankle length like white eels, giving the room the feel of a swamp. The most incredible thing about this room was not its mysterious feel, or the fact that it was carved out of the trunk of a massive tree, but what resided in its centre.

Down on one knee, as if genuflecting, an enormous muscular humanoid faced the wall opposite me. It was eight feet tall, with a headdress that protruded about another foot or so towards the ceiling. Its skin was black and smooth, like obsidian, with occasional streaks of red running up and down in thin stripes. The headdress was made from dead palm fronds that stuck out in every direction, giving it the appearance of a shriveling pineapple. It wore a plate mail armor, constructed entirely from ancient looking bark, with large thick plate on each of its muscular shoulders . four to five inch claws curved from its hammer like hands, one growing out of each finger, and its head from the back looked disproportionately large for its six foot body. The even from the back this thing sent chills down my spine.

"Mazama!" I shouted confidently.

It turned around slowly, rising from its former state, which appeared to be one of meditation. The very way it moved was a testament to its attitude. Mazama was powerful, and he knew it.

"Who dares address a Spirit of The Beyond!" Mazama bellowed. Its voice was like thunder, deep and powerful. It sounded as if two people were speaking in unison, one raspy and wraithlike, the other deep and booming. Every time Mazama spoke, its voice seemed oddly metallic, like the very sound was reverberating from inside a suit of armor.

"It is I, Duncan of Guanna."

At last, I got a view of its face. It had turned fully around to face me, and now stood tall, staring me in the eyes. The first thing I noticed were the teeth. They were foot long daggers, lined up perfectly alongside each other in a lipless grin. The Spirit's countenance was one of unsettling leisure, and its eyes spoke of its pride and knowledge of superiority. They bored into me, black as tar, and I could feel them reading me.

"Why have you come, mortal?" the Spirit asked, folding his sleek muscular arms.

"I have been poisoned, and I come to demand a cure." An air of calm boastfulness overtook me as I convinced myself that I was the Spirit's equal.

"What makes you think you are worthy of the aid of my powers?" Mazama asked with a sneer. I couldn't help but think he was enjoying this to an extent. I took a deep breath, still calmly staring into his eyes, careful not to break eye contact. As I responded, I was surprised at my own audacity, and barley recognized the voice I was projecting. I had transcended fear.

"I have traveled across many lands, and conquered many foes on my quest for the revenge of my village, and I refuse to let a petty poison fell me now. You will cure me Spirit! I demand it! I will have my revenge on that bastard Kane, and no poison will stop me! Do as I charge you, Mazama!"

The Spirit stared at me for a full ten seconds, and for a moment I was sure he would kill me, but I didn't care. I did not fear him any more than he feared me. Finally he shifted his weight, looking pleased.

"You are gold among copper, warrior; seek your antidote from where you entered." With that, he dissolved into mist with a loud hiss. The mist blew in every direction, dissipating through the cracks in the floor and ceiling. Dean let out a sigh of relief, but before Mazama had even entirely vanished I began to feel fatigue, and the pain from the poison that I had been previously ignoring hit me full force. My head felt like it was being assaulted with a sledgehammer, and my vision spun. I started to walk back out onto the platform hurriedly, and that's when I caught site of the antidote. A small glass vial filled with green liquid was sitting on the wooden floor. In front of it were my companions. They rushed towards me with looks of surprise and excitement on their faces. I ran straight for the antidote, but began to lose consciousness before I made it there. My heart was pounding faster than it ever had, and my legs collapsed under me. I reached for the vial in vein, my hand landing a few feet from it before everything went black.

When my eyes opened, I gasped the sweetest breath of air I've ever inhaled. My vision returned to the faces of Sarah and the twins, worriedly looking down at my collapsed body. Still breathing heavily, I sat up, smiling broadly.

"Duncan!" Sarah shouted, about to ask if I was okay. I interrupted her.

"I'm fine," I said with an immense smile. I stood up, feeling terrific.

"We thought you were dead there mate," one of the twins said, looking relieved.

"How do you feel?" the other said.

"I'm alive!" I said enthusiastically, "I've never felt better."

With that I kissed Sarah directly on the lips and hugged both twins. She blushed and smiled shyly, looking slightly embarrassed. At this point all that mattered was that I was alive, and everything around me seemed like a gift.

"That was incredible Duncan, how did you get the Spirit to grant your request? Almost no one survives when they go face to face with a Spirit of The Beyond," Sarah asked, getting over her embarrassment.

"Honestly I'm not sure myself. All I know is that I was a different person in there. And I think... maybe I'm a different person now."

The others didn't look like they understood, and it was hard for me to describe in words. I knew my own abilities then, and realized how strong of a force I could be. I felt powerful. If I could triumph over the Spirit that easily, maybe I could tap into that confidence at other times.

After that we began to descend from the tree which proved to be a difficult feat, considering how high up we were. Eventually we reached the ground, our sweat mixing with the humidity of our jungle like surroundings to drench our clothes. Once again we began to walk to the edge of the forest, wary of another attack, knowing that next time we someone was poisoned we would not be so lucky. As we were almost at the edge of the forest, blue men began dropping from the trees behind us. The twins picked a few off with their crossbows as we ran, but besides that, our party did not engage our pursuers. We wanted nothing more than to get out of that dreadful forest before someone else became injured or killed, knowing that none of us probably had the strength to take them all on. Their footsteps sounded behind us on the damp leaves that covered the ground, and we could hear them shouting in another language. More and more we heard their footsteps, and when I glanced back I saw almost thirty assailants.

Finally light broke through the canopy and the edge of the forest was revealed. Pushing forward as fast as we could, the four of us stepped into the sunshine and let out a breath of relief. We had expected that if we exited the forest, its locals would leave us alone. This was not the case. More than thirty half naked fiends were still after us with all manner of pikes, spears, and knives, all constructed from bone and wood. I knew what I had to do.

"How can we escape these bastards!" gasped John as we ran.

"Give me some cover with your arrows, I can take them."

"Duncan are you sure we can do this?" Dean asked, trembling slightly as he ran.

"I'm going to need speed, but I know I can do this, just trust me."

I ignored the protests of the others, and stopped running. The blue men charged at me as I drew my sword and stood my ground. I felt the same confidence in my ability possess me that had driven back when I stood face to face with the Spirit of The Beyond. I had transcended fear.

Arrows whistled by, killing the first couple before they got to me. Their corpses fell to the ground with expressions of awe on their painted faces. When the first wave reached me I moved like lightning. Between my own natural skill and dean's help, my sword darted at the enemy like the tongue of a snake. I killed attacker after attacker, parrying their thrusts, dodging their slashes, and plunging my blade into their exposed flesh. Warm blood dampened my face, and I struck so hard I often cut completely through my attacker's bones like twigs. They began to surround me, but I was dropping them so fast that I kept an area of several yards between me and any two living persons at any one time. When I had finished, there were bodies strewn about in a circle around me, like petals on a grotesque and bloody flower. My breathing raced at phenomenal speeds, and my heart beat painfully in my chest, sounding like a huge base drum in my ear every split second.

I had barely survived my trip through the forest, but I felt stronger afterwards. Until then, I had not know my own strength and skill, but now I had tapped it fully. Between me and Dean, I felt like nothing could defeat me. The challenge that I was about to face however, would take more than just strength. The next difficulty I would face would test every fiber of my being, and would make the forest seem like a cake walk.


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Wed Jun 01, 2011 9:07 pm
GryphonFledgling wrote a review...



Oooh, dealing with the spirit for the cure was interesting. My question is, now that they have faced the spirit, who the tribal folks really seem to revere if not worship, and came out alive, why are the tribal folks still trying to kill them?

With that I kissed Sarah directly on the lips and hugged both twins.

Again, this seems really out of character for Duncan. I know he mentions later that he feels like a whole new person, but even still, I would have liked to either a) have seen some sign of this being a possibility for him or b) have the others comment a bit on the difference. He does say that he feels like he has a new outlook on life, being alive and everything, but even that doesn't seem very in-character for Duncan.

Thing is, I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to be seeing from Duncan. For the first few chapters, he seems to be very stoic, very driven, very warrior-like, without time for extraneous emotions. But lately, he seems to have done a 180, warming up to Sarah incredibly fast and even getting fond of the twins. Which is the real Duncan? I feel like I don't really know him at all.

More for me? I'm moving on.

~GryphonFledgling




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Sat May 07, 2011 7:02 am
HIGHWHITESOCKS wrote a review...



This is promising! :D I liked this chapter the best out of any of them, I think. Gettin' into it!

The door opened reluctantly with a loud creaking sound, as if hundreds of tiny pieces of wood were splintering simultaneously. As I stepped into the room beyond, the tribal bongo drums ceased all at once. Silence filled the air, and my eyes began to adjust to the new lighting, as the room was only lit by a series of candles. Tendrils of white mist covered the floor, constantly being emitted from some unknown location. They swirled around at ankle length like white eels, giving the room the feel of a swamp. The most incredible thing about this room was not its mysterious feel, or the fact that it was carved out of the trunk of a massive tree, but what resided in its centre.

Oooh, great opening! I think it could be better with a little refining, but I like the descriptions!

Down on one knee, as if genuflecting, an enormous muscular humanoid faced the wall opposite me. It was eight feet tall, with a headdress that protruded about another foot or so towards the ceiling. Its skin was black and smooth, like obsidian, with occasional streaks of red running up and down in thin stripes. The headdress was made from dead palm fronds that stuck out in every direction, giving it the appearance of a shriveling pineapple. It wore a plate mail armor, constructed entirely from ancient looking bark, with large thick plate on each of its muscular shoulders . four to five inch claws curved from its hammer like hands, one growing out of each finger, and its head from the back looked disproportionately large for its six foot body. The even from the back this thing sent chills down my spine.

OH SNAP, $#!t bout to go down! Did I ever tell you that you have a god power for creating creatures? Man, and I thought the Nasheek was menacing!

"Mazama!" I shouted confidently.

It turned around slowly, rising from its former state, which appeared to be one of meditation. The very way it moved was a testament to its attitude. Mazama was powerful, and he knew it.

"Who dares address a Spirit of The Beyond!" Mazama bellowed. Its voice was like thunder, deep and powerful. It sounded as if two people were speaking in unison, one raspy and wraithlike, the other deep and booming. Every time Mazama spoke, its voice seemed oddly metallic, like the very sound was reverberating from inside a suit of armor.

"It is I, Duncan of Guanna."

Pretty awesome! You're getting better at the dialogue. By any chance, are you trying to make the voice sound like Aang in the Avatar State? Just wondering.

At last, I got a view of its face. It had turned fully around to face me, and now stood tall, staring me in the eyes. The first thing I noticed were the teeth. They were foot long daggers, lined up perfectly alongside each other in a lipless grin. The Spirit's countenance was one of unsettling leisure, and its eyes spoke of its pride and knowledge of superiority. They bored into me, black as tar, and I could feel them reading me.

"Why have you come, mortal?" the Spirit asked, folding his sleek muscular arms.

More awesomeness! I'm liking this character

"I have been poisoned, and I come to demand a cure." An air of calm boastfulness overtook me as I convinced myself that I was the Spirit's equal.

"What makes you think you are worthy of the aid of my powers?" Mazama asked with a sneer. I couldn't help but think he was enjoying this to an extent. I took a deep breath, still calmly staring into his eyes, careful not to break eye contact. As I responded, I was surprised at my own audacity, and barley recognized the voice I was projecting. I had transcended fear.

"I have traveled across many lands, and conquered many foes on my quest for the revenge of my village, and I refuse to let a petty poison fell me now. You will cure me Spirit! I demand it! I will have my revenge on that bastard Kane, and no poison will stop me! Do as I charge you, Mazama!"


The Spirit stared at me for a full ten seconds, and for a moment I was sure he would kill me, but I didn't care. I did not fear him any more than he feared me. Finally he shifted his weight, looking pleased.


"You are gold among copper, warrior; seek your antidote from where you entered." With that, he dissolved into mist with a loud hiss. The mist blew in every direction, dissipating through the cracks in the floor and ceiling. Dean let out a sigh of relief, but before Mazama had even entirely vanished I began to feel fatigue, and the pain from the poison that I had been previously ignoring hit me full force. My head felt like it was being assaulted with a sledgehammer, and my vision spun. I started to walk back out onto the platform hurriedly, and that's when I caught site of the antidote. A small glass vial filled with green liquid was sitting on the wooden floor. In front of it were my companions. They rushed towards me with looks of surprise and excitement on their faces. I ran straight for the antidote, but began to lose consciousness before I made it there. My heart was pounding faster than it ever had, and my legs collapsed under me. I reached for the vial in vein, my hand landing a few feet from it before everything went black.

That was a pretty badass scene my friend! Well done! :D

"Duncan!" Sarah shouted, about to ask if I was okay. I interrupted her.

"I'm fine," I said with an immense smile. I stood up, feeling terrific.

"We thought you were dead there mate," one of the twins said, looking relieved.

"How do you feel?" the other said.

"I'm alive!" I said enthusiastically, "I've never felt better."

Aaah, what happened? The dialogue was going so well! Now we're back to too much telling! Come on, I've said it enough by now. You know what I mean.

With that I kissed Sarah directly on the lips and hugged both twins. She blushed and smiled shyly, looking slightly embarrassed. At this point all that mattered was that I was alive, and everything around me seemed like a gift.

Oooh, we're getting down to relationships now? Heehee, now that's a good show of emotion and character. Use more of these moments, they add a lot (not necessarily THESE moments, but, you know what I mean)!

The others didn't look like they understood, and it was hard for me to describe in words. I knew my own abilities then, and realized how strong of a force I could be. I felt powerful. If I could triumph over the Spirit that easily, maybe I could tap into that confidence at other times.

Man, slice me off a piece of that confidence! I could use some, haha. Good thought here.

After that we began to descend from the tree which proved to be a difficult feat, considering how high up we were. Eventually we reached the ground, our sweat mixing with the humidity of our jungle like surroundings to drench our clothes. Once again we began to walk to the edge of the forest, wary of another attack, knowing that next time we someone was poisoned we would not be so lucky. As we were almost at the edge of the forest, blue men began dropping from the trees behind us. The twins picked a few off with their crossbows as we ran, but besides that, our party did not engage our pursuers. We wanted nothing more than to get out of that dreadful forest before someone else became injured or killed, knowing that none of us probably had the strength to take them all on. Their footsteps sounded behind us on the damp leaves that covered the ground, and we could hear them shouting in another language. More and more we heard their footsteps, and when I glanced back I saw almost thirty assailants.


Finally light broke through the canopy and the edge of the forest was revealed. Pushing forward as fast as we could, the four of us stepped into the sunshine and let out a breath of relief. We had expected that if we exited the forest, its locals would leave us alone. This was not the case. More than thirty half naked fiends were still after us with all manner of pikes, spears, and knives, all constructed from bone and wood. I knew what I had to do.

Oooh, good lead-up to the fight scene! I sure hope we have an awesomely described battle sequence following!

I ignored the protests of the others, and stopped running. The blue men charged at me as I drew my sword and stood my ground. I felt the same confidence in my ability possess me that had driven back when I stood face to face with the Spirit of The Beyond. I had transcended fear.

Oh SNAP! It's bout to get real! (love the repetition of the fear line by the way. works very poetically)

Arrows whistled by, killing the first couple before they got to me. Their corpses fell to the ground with expressions of awe on their painted faces. When the first wave reached me I moved like lightning. Between my own natural skill and dean's help, my sword darted at the enemy like the tongue of a snake. I killed attacker after attacker, parrying their thrusts, dodging their slashes, and plunging my blade into their exposed flesh. Warm blood dampened my face, and I struck so hard I often cut completely through my attacker's bones like twigs. They began to surround me, but I was dropping them so fast that I kept an area of several yards between me and any two living persons at any one time. When I had finished, there were bodies strewn about in a circle around me, like petals on a grotesque and bloody flower. My breathing raced at phenomenal speeds, and my heart beat painfully in my chest, sounding like a huge base drum in my ear every split second.

Well, that was pretty cool, but still over too quickly! Come on man, give us more! I want battles worthy of being a Kingdom Hearts-Legend of Zelda boss fight love-child! Now give them to me! O.o

Well, probably the best installment yet. Can't wait to see what happens next! Is more $#!t bout to go down? I sure hope so!
- SOCKS















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Thu May 05, 2011 10:24 pm
Amfliflier wrote a review...



Hey there!

I laughed at the end of this. It was funny how he said, "It would make the forest sound like a cake walk." I remembered that before they went into the woods, he said, "With Sarah, the forest should be a cake walk." I wasn't sure if you planned that, but it was a nice touch! :)

I loved the entire piece where Duncan went into the tree. It was so beautifully written, and the mystery and power just came out right in the beginning. That section of the story was amazing!

:( I can't believe there's only one chapter left! D: I hope that's not the ending, because it'd be too short. Really great job with this chapter, and all the other ones too! :)

~Amfli
GO TEAM TOXIC NUDIBRANCH! :D





“If lightning is the anger of the gods, then the gods are concerned mostly about trees.”
— Lao Tzu