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Young Writers Society



So Wrong But So Right Chapter 2

by psouth


Emma

Buzz! My alarm clock sounded at exactly seven a.m. telling me to get up and get ready for my first day of high school.

Being a girl and all, I had to take a shower and smell good for the first day, so I hurriedly showered and dressed in a blue, short-sleeved shirt, skin tight jeans and sandals.

"Emma," my mother yelled up the stairs, "breakfast is ready!"

"Okay, Mom! I'll be right down!" I grabbed my book bag and purse and headed down the flight of stairs.

"Morning mom," I said, as I entered the kitchen, "where's Dad?" I sat down and started to eat.

"Oh honey, he had to leave early for work. He should be home later," she said as she sat down and began to eat her food.

I finished and put my dishes in the sink, and gave my mother a good-bye kiss before walking out of the door. I made my way down to the bus stop at the end of the street. I didn't have to wait long before the bus showed up, its headlights shining brightly in my face.

The school was massive. I walked nervously through the doors and headed for the main office. Since it was the second door on the right, it was easy to find, but I hoped that everything else would be that easy to find. After getting my schedule, I walked through the halls trying to find locker I was assigned to, number 270. I finally found it and as I reached for the lock, I saw Shawn Foust coming out of the locker room. He was walking towards me, looking dreamy as always. I felt my cheeks flush red, so I turned my face to my locker so that Shawn couldn't see my face, but it didn't work. He was standing right next to me.

My face got redder as he opened up the locker besides me, which told me that it was his. Butterflies fluttered in my stomach as I realized I would get to see him every day. He turned to me and said something, but I didn't hear him. I wondered what I should say; I couldn't tell him my face was red because of him. In a panic, I closed my locker and hurried off to find math for my first class.

Shawn

"Shawn, honey. There is someone on the phone who would like to speak to you," my mother said through the bedroom door. I groaned and rolled over in my bed. Glancing at the alarm clock, I saw it was only six a.m. Groaning again, I wondered who would be calling at six in the morning for me.

"Okay mom, I'll be right there." I said, as I sat up and rubbed my eyes before standing and walking to the door. I opened it and took the phone from my mother.

"Hello?" I croaked into the receiver.

"Hello Shawn. This is Coach Gilmore from the varsity football team at Parkway South. I've been watching you at all the camps we've been to and also the practices over the summer. I was calling to let you know, if you're up for it, that we have varsity practice before school and if you'd like to join us and get to know some of the guys, you can.

"You will still play and practice with the freshmen after school. Morning practices start at six-thirty and go till seven-thirty... so I hope to see you there."

"Thanks coach," I replied, "I'll show up for sure... and thank you for telling me. See you there." I hung up the phone and sleepily walked into the bathroom and started to get ready.

I dressed in a sleeveless armor shirt, some gym shorts and a pair of nikes. I grabbed my football bag out of my closet and threw a pair of nice jeans and a polo t-shirt in it with my cologne and deodorant.

"Shawn, honey, what did that man want?" my mother asked from the foot of the stairs.

"Oh, that was the varsity football coach telling me that I could join them for morning practice if I wanted to." I said to her as I walked down the stairs and into the living room.

"Oh. So, are you going to?"

I grabbed a pop tart out of the kitchen. "Yeah, I'm going to go. Could you give me a ride to school, please?"

"Sure honey," she replied, getting her keys, "I'll take you."

Ten minutes later, I arrived at the school. I gave her a quick good-bye kiss, grabbed my things from the back of the car, and headed into the gym towards the locker room.

I looked around for the locker that I was assigned to. It had my name on it, so I walked over to it and put my stuff inside. Then, I looked around for someone to ask about what was going on.

I went over to the varsity dressing room and looked inside, only to be instantly told to "get out".

"Hey, I'm here for the varsity football practice," I said to a random guy in the locker room,"what are we doing and what do we need?" All he did was point to a sheet of paper on the wall. I walked over and looked at it. I found Monday's workout at the top of the list, so I walked out of the locker room to the weight room to wait for everyone else.

An hour later, I walked out of the weight room sweaty and tired. There was a water fountain across the hall, and I eagerly went over to it and took a drink before heading for the bathrooms.

In the shower room, I turned on the faucet and rinsed myself off, getting all of the sweat off of my body. I turned the water off, and walked out into the locker room to get my stuff out of my locker. Everything in there was dripping wet.

Frustrated, I shoved everything back into my locker. It was probably the upper class men who had done it. They were probably intimidated and wanted to scare me off.

I grabbed my cologne out of my bag and sprayed more than usual on my gym clothes to try and cover up the sweaty smell. I grabbed my book bag, the only thing that was still dry, and headed out of the locker room for first period.

I walked out of the locker room, my book bag hanging from one shoulder. I pulled out my schedule and look at it for my locker number. I grinned at the number and made my way over to locker 269.

I saw a pretty atrractive girl standing at the locker next to mine. I smiled at her, and her face went noticeably red. I opened my door and put my bag in it and glanced at her again.

"Is it hot? Or is it just you? Because... your face is red, and that's probably not normal. Am I correct?" I asked her.

Something was definitely up with her. Her color deepened the longer I stood next to her, and then she closed her locker and hurried off without saying anything. I stood there looking confused, wondering what had gotten into her. Shrugging my shoulders, I looked at my schedule again for my first class. Seeing that it was math, I closed my locker, and walked off, forgetting about the girl.


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Fri Feb 06, 2009 5:36 pm
MySunshine wrote a review...



Another great chapter!
Again, I really like that you write the chapter from both Emma's and Shawn's point of view. Makes it a lot more interesting to read, I think.
Loved their first encounter! But maybe you could write things like that a little more detailed - you're kind of just rushing through it, vaguely pointing out but not specifying. It would be interesting to see what exactly Emma and Shawn are thinking. I think that especially Emma would have dozens of thoughts running through her mind when she sees her crush.
There were some punctuation mistakes, as far as I could see, but that's all.

Hope you continue soon ;)
MySunshine




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Thu Feb 05, 2009 10:26 pm
live.laugh.love wrote a review...



Dear Psouth,

I love the dialog of both chapters. I also love how you switch from one characters view to the others. I like it when Shawn finds his locker all wet, but I would like to hear more of what his feelings towards it was like. The meeting between him and Emma was off to a good start but I think you should tell more of what he though about her. What did he think of what she was wearing? Was there anything he noticed about her specifically like her eyes? Stuff like that. I like how both characters are so similar yet so different at the same time. Keep writing! I can't wait to hear the third chapter! Keep writing! PM me when you post the third chapter please!!!




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Sat Jan 24, 2009 9:05 pm
Ms LB wrote a review...



Dear PSouth

This is getting more interesting. It is a lot more detailed than your first chapter, and the dialogue is really good, it give the story life.

I think most readers like the quirky things. It's interesting when Shawn finds his locker dripping wet. When that happens I want to hear what he thinks and feels about it. Is he embarrassed, does he know who did it, does this sort of thing happen a lot to him? That could give some insight into his character i.e. a lot of people think he is this perfect guy but in fact he gets bullied, or he gets enraged, loses his cool sometimes.

I think you could go back over this and take out some of the stuff that is too objective e.g. I looked confused (just say, It confused me, or I couldnt make sense of it). So that everything that each character says is from their perspective. That way you get an interesting dynamic between what each of their takes is on things. It's interesting when people see things in different ways.

Also, the meeting between Shawn and Emma is really important. It needs more detail. Does he need to notice that she goes red and is embarrassed. Perhaps he actually feels embarrassed himself.

Hope the next chapter is going well.




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Fri Jan 23, 2009 10:43 pm
Merry_Haven wrote a review...



*psouth~

Here are my thoughts and comments while reading this second chapter.

*A girl's mind~
Do you have any sisters or have any chicks around you? Because the way you described the mind of Emma was amazing. Maybe because I don't have any brothers, but I never read something written by a guy, who spoke through a female. What you did was incredible! Great job on that!!

*What they do~
Knowing I'm not a guy, but is high school life being a guy, really bad? (I'm home schooled) I mean, I could picture those guys wetting all of Shawn's stuff, but can that really happen? What they do is kind of mean, but they are guys after all.

*Awww~
That little moment between those two was cute. I should have guessed that a guy like Shawn would say something like that to Emma. And Emma blushing like that?! Seriously, girls can act like that. Well, the ones I've met.

*Overall~
I know I seemed a little too harsh on chapter one, but you're getting to become a great writer. So I congratulate you, on a job well done. Congrats!! I am really getting into this story of yours. PM me for chapter three. Thanks!

*Merry




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Fri Jan 23, 2009 10:11 pm
cheese9975 wrote a review...



Okay, I liked this! It's moving along nicely!

psouth wrote:Emma

Buzz! My alarm clock sounded at exactly seven a.m. telling me to get up and get ready for my first day of high school.

As AntiPop said, I would get rid of the "being a girl" bit, do you say "being a boy?" Being a girl and all, I had to take a shower and smell good for the first day, so I hurriedly showered and dressed in a blue, short-sleeved shirt, skin tight jeans and sandals.


"Emma," my mother yelled up the stairs, "breakfast is ready!"


"Okay, Mom! I'll be right down!" I grabbed my book bag and purse and headed down the flight of stairs.


"Morning mom," I said, as I entered the kitchen, "where's Dad?" I sat down and started to eat.


"Oh honey, he had to leave early for work. He should be home later," she said as she sat down and began to eat her food.

I finished and put my dishes in the sink, and gave my mother a good-bye kiss before walking out of the door. I made my way down to the bus stop at the end of the street. I didn't have to wait long before the bus showed up, its headlights shining brightly in my face. You could add some description here. Was it cold out? Was it foggy? Were there birds? Describe a typical morning, make the reader feel like they're walking down the street with Emma!



The school was massive. I walked nervously through the doors and headed for the main office. Since it was the second door on the right, it was easy to find, but I hoped that everything else would be that easy to find. How about, "It was only the second door on the right, so it was easy to find." After getting my schedule, I walked through the halls trying to find locker I was assigned to, number 270. Were the halls crowded? Empty? Loud? Tight? I finally found it and as I reached for the lock, I saw Shawn Foust coming out of the locker room. He was walking towards me, looking dreamy as always. I felt my cheeks flush red, so I turned my face to my locker so that Shawn couldn't see my face, but it didn't work. He was standing right next to me.

My face got redder as he opened up the locker besides me, which told me that it was his. Butterflies fluttered in my stomach as I realized I would get to see him every day. He turned to me and said something, but I didn't hear him. I wondered what I should say; I couldn't tell him my face was red because of him. In a panic, I closed my locker and hurried off to find math for my first class.



Shawn

"Shawn, honey. There is someone on the phone who would like to speak to you," my mother said through the bedroom door. I groaned and rolled over in my bed. Glancing at the alarm clock, I saw it was only six a.m. Groaning again, I wondered who would be calling at six in the morning for me.

"Okay mom, I'll be right there." I said, as I sat up and rubbed my eyes before standing and walking to the door. I opened it and took the phone from my mother.

"Hello?" I croaked into the receiver.

"Hello Shawn. This is Coach Gilmore from the varsity football team at Parkway South. I've been watching you at all the camps we've been to and also the practices over the summer. I was calling to let you know, if you're up for it, that we have varsity practice before school and if you'd like to join us and get to know some of the guys, you can.

"You will still play and practice with the freshmen after school. Morning practices start at six-thirty and go till seven-thirty... so I hope to see you there."

"Thanks coach," I replied, "I'll show up for sure... and thank you for telling me. See you there." I hung up the phone and sleepily walked into the bathroom and started to get ready.
I dressed in a sleeveless armor shirt, some gym shorts and a pair of nikes. I grabbed my football bag out of my closet and threw a pair of nice jeans and a polo t-shirt in it with my cologne and deodorant.

"Shawn, honey, what did that man want?" my mother asked from the foot of the stairs.

"Oh, that was the varsity football coach telling me that I could join them for morning practice if I wanted to." I said to her as I walked down the stairs and into the living room.

"Oh. So, are you going to?"

I grabbed a pop tart out of the kitchen. "Yeah, I'm going to go. Could you give me a ride to school, please?"

"Sure honey," she replied, getting her keys, "I'll take you."


Ten minutes later, I arrived at the school. I gave her a quick good-bye kiss, grabbed my things from the back of the car, and headed into the gym towards the locker room.




I looked around for the locker that I was assigned to. It had my name on it, so I walked over to it and put my stuff inside. Then, I looked around for someone to ask about what was going on.

I went over to the varsity dressing room and looked inside, only to be instantly told to "get out".


"Hey, I'm here for the varsity football practice," I said to a random guy in the locker room how about, "I said to the first guy I saw" ?,"what are we doing and what do we need?" All he did was point to a sheet of paper on the wall. I walked over and looked at it. I found Monday's workout at the top of the list, so I walked out of the locker room to the weight room to wait for everyone else.


An hour later, I walked out of the weight room sweaty and tired. There was a water fountain across the hall, and I eagerly went over to it and took a drink before heading for the bathrooms.

In the shower room, I turned on the faucet and rinsed myself off, getting all of the sweat off of my body. I turned the water off, and walked out into the locker room to get my stuff out of my locker. Everything in there was dripping wet.

Frustrated, I shoved everything back into my locker. It was probably the upper class men who had done it. They were probably intimidated and wanted to scare me off. Ego much? Haha.

I grabbed my cologne out of my bag and sprayed more than usual on my gym clothes to try and cover up the sweaty smell. I grabbed my book bag, the only thing that was still dry, and headed out of the locker room for first period.


I walked out of the locker room, my book bag hanging from one shoulder. I pulled out my schedule and look at it for my locker number. I grinned at the number and made my way over to locker 269.

I saw a pretty atrractive girl standing at the locker next to mine. I smiled at her, and her face went noticeably red. I opened my door and put my bag in it and glanced at her again.

"Is it hot? Or is it just you? Because... your face is red, and that's probably not normal. Am I correct?" I asked her.

Something was definitely up with her. Her color deepened the longer I stood next to her, and then she closed her locker and hurried off without saying anything. I stood there looking confused, wondering what had gotten into her. Shrugging my shoulders, I looked at my schedule again for my first class. Seeing that it was math, I closed my locker, and walked off, forgetting about the girl.



I liked it! Reading the second part I liked that you used diary entries for the first chapter to get the reader familiar with your characters, very clever! But, as June said, it's a little predictable. If you want, you should consider a twist to really shock the reader's pants off. I like it when that happens :)


Drugs are bad,
Shannon




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Fri Jan 23, 2009 12:39 am
anti-pop wrote a review...



[s]Being a girl and all,[/s] I had to take a shower and smell good for the first day, so I hurriedly showered and dressed in a blue, short-sleeved shirt, skin tight jeans and sandals.

Since this first part is narrated by a girl, I would take out the "Being a girl and all" part. Most girls don't refer to themselves that way, but to keep the same idea that she just has to be squeaky clean for the first day, you can put emphasis on 'had'. That sounds more like a girl's thought process.


I didn't have to wait long before the bus showed up, its headlights shining brightly in my face.

There's nothing really wrong with this except why would a bus' headlights be on in the morning? Unless it is fairly dark, of course, I don't think they'd be shining brightly in her face.


Since it was the second door on the right, it was easy to find. [s]but[/s] I hoped that everything else would be that [s]easy to find[/s] convenient.

Here, it would be best to split this into two separate sentences. You also used the term 'easy to find' back-to-back, which gets annoying for readers.


After getting my schedule, I walked through the halls trying to find the locker I was assigned to, number 270.

This sentence just seems a little awkward to me. Maybe you could reword it? Something along the lines of: "After getting my schedule, I walked through the halls trying to find locker number 270."


I felt my cheeks flush red, so I turned my face to my locker so that Shawn couldn't see my face, but it didn't work.

This sentence should be broken up. Also note your repetition of 'my face'.
Example: "I felt my cheeks flush red, so I turned my face away from Shawn in hopes that he wouldn't notice. This proved difficult since he was standing right beside me."


In a panic, I closed my locker and hurried off to find math for my first class.

Nice way to end this POV, but this sentence would probably make a bit more sense if you just said, "..hurried off to find my math class."


"Okay mom, I'll be right there," I said, as I sat up and rubbed my eyes before standing and walking to the door.

Should be a coma before the end of the dialogue.


I dressed in a sleeveless armor shirt, some gym shorts and a pair of nikes.

I think 'nikes' should be capitalized.


Then, I looked around for someone to ask about what was going on.

Take out 'Then'. It makes your writing sound amateur-ish. (Like I would know, right?) You see my point, though? 'First, Next, Then, Last' all sound very elementary.


I went over to the varsity dressing room and looked inside, only to be instantly told to "get out".

I don't know why, but this made me laugh. I love instant, out-of-nowhere humor. :D


In the shower room, I turned on the faucet and rinsed myself off, getting all of the sweat off of my body. I turned the water off, and walked out into the locker room to get my stuff out of my locker.

You use the word 'off' in these two sentences quite a bit. I couldn't really tell you how you could fix it, but I have faith that you can make this scene less boring.


It was probably the upper class men who had done it.

'Upperclassmen' is a single word.


I grinned at the number and made my way over to locker 269.

Hmm...explain why Shawn was grinning. What significance does that have in the story? If he was just smiling for no apparent reason, then I think it's safe to say that that unnecessary bit of information can be taken out.


I saw a pretty [s]atrractive[/s] attractive girl standing at the locker next to mine.

I know you're using 'pretty' here to mean 'rather', but since it can also mean 'attractive', it sounds redundant used in this sentence. Just replace 'pretty' with 'rather' and it will be the same sentence, just clearer.


"Is it hot? Or is it just you? Because... your face is red, and that's probably not normal. Am I correct?" I asked her.

xD Poor Emma!


Another good chapter! I like where this story is going, but as springrain pointed out: It's getting predictable! This is reminding me so much already of A Cinderella Story...
Anyways.

I enjoy reading about Shawn very much. He seems like a very down-to-earth kind of guy, and who doesn't like that? I think you should definitely start to go into more detail about him, though. Show us why he loves sports so much and why he isn't a stereotypical air-headed jock. The audience likes him already, now let us get to know him.
Emma, however, seems to be very stereotyped here. A.K.A., she's the 'average teenage girl'. Which, I suppose you were going for. So far I like her character, but I think you can definitely make her more interesting. Give her a little more depth; right now she seems so self-conscious and...not extraordinary that she's a little boring. Or a Mary Sue, almost.

Besides all of that, I am nearly in love with this story, and I'm still very impressed!
*Gold stars*


*anti-pop




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Thu Jan 22, 2009 10:55 pm
Juniper wrote a review...



Hola Psouth! June here again ^^.

Perfect! Having this as your second chapter fits the first perfectly well. I hope you'll keep your chapters around this length in the future :).

I like where it's going, although it's like... predictable XD. But you, as the author, have the freedom and ability to give the story an interesting twist so that it's not actually the typical highschool-teenage romance story that is all over the place :D.


There are some lines in this story that make me nearly laugh-- they're silly, but so realistic; it fits :D. Keep it up!

Can't wait for chapter three (which better be as long as this or else!)

*stars*

June :D

Fabulous job!





I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
— Steven Wright