Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,238 Literary Works • 673,049 Reviews
I didn't expect such a dark, painful poem. However, I understand that when writing, our emotions happen to spill out sometimes. Is this to a lover/loved one? I like how the poem is organized, I like the form also. It's interesting to read, because it has some seriously deep emotion. At the end, it does sound slightly winey. However, overall, it's a good poem.
Wow I have to admit I didn't expect this!
Its a good poem but very very very dark and quite emotional.is this person talking to a loved one?i normally wouldent put brackets in a poem, but that's just my opinion.i did kind of like it but it was very very gory,overall it was good a 9/10 from me, but well done!
-hanorah
Hi there, prim, and welcome to YWS!
This is quite good. I really like what you did here with all of your images and ideas. Nice work.
I'm going to give you some ideas that would make this good poem into a marvelous poem.
I like your use of parenthesis to convey little asides that almost are snarky, but end up feeling very truthful. However, I think that you might use them a little too much. I want parenthesis to frame something profound (in the first one, there's a close, confessional feeling to them), not frame an errant thought (such as the thoughts within the second and third set). I would try to find a way to use less, so when you do use them, it feels heavier.
There are some awkward line breaks, as well. When you end a line, it's so the reader can savor what was in what was in the line, and if all of the ends of your lines push onto the next every time, it's difficult to savor what you've written. I suggest ending on an important word. Generally, you're not going to want to end a line in a preposition, just as you're not going to want to end a sentence in a preposition. Also, don't end lines with and or the because they also create rather unnatural breaks. In fact, if you want to read more, read this great article by PenguinAttack on Writing Gooder: http://www.writinggooder.com/2013/03/to-break-or-not-to-break/
I have several things to say about this snippet. First of all, I love the last line of this section. It's lovely. Second of all, the thought enclosed in the parenthesis isn't doing it for me. It's a little jarring, and it feels wrong. It feels a little self-pitying and whiny, really. You didn't mean it to come off that way, I know, but since the reader read it that way, they dismiss the speaker as whiny. We don't want that. I think that it would serve the poem better to take out the enclosed portion completely. Third of all, I wonder how it would serve the poem if you said "gift shops" or compared your bones to seashells glued on to cheap trinkets. That way, you add another dimension to the poem. Right now, because you say "museum," it implies that your bones are somehow valuable (which seems a little contrary to what you say in the rest of the poem). Only valuable things go into museums. Now, it would serve the poem better to say your bones were modeled into things and sold in a gift shop because the things in gift shops are a) cheaply made b) bought by tourists and placed on mantles. It would fit a lot better with hot glue guns as well.
You used glass before, and since glass is a noun that has an adjective form, I think you should use a different word. I do appreciate that you try to use a noun as an adjective; it really makes for an interesting read when poets do that. But since "glassy" exists, I'd find a different noun to become an adjective.
I feel like hearts in jars has been done before, and you have an opportunity to play with stuff here that I feel you didn't take. Jars are such general containers (also boxes) that it doesn't tell us anything about the heart or the keeper of the heart. Try to use a more imaginitive way to keep the heart on the bedside table. What jumped to mind when you said jar was pickling, and that is a strong image.
Or, you could (since you get into wearing later) use a jewelry box.
Think about ways to show us more about what the heart is going to be used for by the container it's in (on a side note, you should put the period on the outside of the parenthesis).
I like the feeling behind the last two stanzas, though I think they're a bit awkwardly worded. I would try combining them into one, and taking out some of the words. Here's how I would write it:
Altogether, I really enjoyed reading this. I hope that this review was helpful to you. Happy poeting!
Wow, I did not expect this at all. Its an okay poem, but its very dark. It sounds like these are instructions a lover would give to his/her lover. Its very dark, and intersting. I was not expecting it. I wouldn't put things in () but that's jus me. Overall it was a dark, intersting poem.
lol, i was not expecting that. it was dark, painfully detailed and emotional. well done. there are some things that make one question the right and natures laws of living but that was way different.
i have been to the body shows where they turn a corpse into a piece of artwork but skinning them and positioning them in normal day positions. the one i like the most was about a woman that couldn't move or walk and had been in a car accident and had many surgeries. when she died they showed all of her metal plates and broken bones that had been fixed and put her in the most graceful of positions. she had heels on and had her foot up on a mans knees and he was broken as well.
sorry too much information.
i really liked this. keep up the good work